I know ... I've been absent for awhile.
I'm a little surprised - and FLATTERED - to have heard from several of you asking,
"Are you still doing your blog?"
The answer?
Well, that's a tough one. I've got lots of stories still to tell - so far, you've only heard about responses from ONE AD. (Plus a few oldies-but-goodies, of course.) I placed a second ad, and there are stories to tell from that - boy, oh boy, are there stories to tell from that.
But here's the thing -
ONE of those stories is a sweet tale. I mentioned him a few weeks ago. A genuinely nice guy (even sent me flowers at work!), a genuinely nice guy I like. And we've been spending so much time together, and I like him enough, that I haven't had time to write up the stories from the second ad, pursue more stories from the same, or write a third. If you bear with me, though, I'll get there. I promise. It's just that this project takes A WHOLE LOT OF TIME, and (as I warned you a few posts back) I simply don't have much of that anymore.
Can I be honest with you?
I like that I don't have that time.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Lessons Learned, part 2
More and more in my life (and in my work), it's becoming clear to me that people hear what they want to hear. That seems to be the case with men reading ads on Craigslist, as well.
To wit, my first ad said
That's true. (I went to the gym yesterday, the day before that, and I plan to go tomorrow - see? It's true!) You'll note that nowhere does it say, "I love working out." Nor does it say, "exercise is my friend" or "I'm a really active person." It doesn't say that because that's not exactly true. The truth is that I understand that exercise is important for my health; I understand that I feel better (both physically and emotionally) when I take the time to exercise; and I understand that those benefits are maximized when I get to the gym about three times a week.
Understanding those things and acting on them is NOT the same thing as enjoying exercise. Unless I'm missing something?
Apparently, I AM missing something. Or else these men are really hoping to see something that just isn't there:
I don't really like working out, but I go to the gym three times a week because I know I should. I'm still not skinny/slim/slender/fill-in-your-favorite-synonym-here and don't think I ever will be. I certainly don't have a "fit/muscular build." And, um ... I don't want to.
Anyway, maybe I'm being too sensitive. Or maybe I need to re-think how I write my ads. I'm thinking Ad #2 will have a slightly different flavor - still honest and true, but different. You know?
To wit, my first ad said
I try to get to the gym at least three days a week, but I'm still a work in progress. I don't expect I'll ever be perfect, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather feel healthy than fit society's standards of beauty, anyway. You should have a similar philosophy.
That's true. (I went to the gym yesterday, the day before that, and I plan to go tomorrow - see? It's true!) You'll note that nowhere does it say, "I love working out." Nor does it say, "exercise is my friend" or "I'm a really active person." It doesn't say that because that's not exactly true. The truth is that I understand that exercise is important for my health; I understand that I feel better (both physically and emotionally) when I take the time to exercise; and I understand that those benefits are maximized when I get to the gym about three times a week.
Understanding those things and acting on them is NOT the same thing as enjoying exercise. Unless I'm missing something?
Apparently, I AM missing something. Or else these men are really hoping to see something that just isn't there:
I am single, 32 years old 6'5" 215 lbs with a fit/muscular build with a college degree. I am looking for something similar and the way you describe it sounds very intriguing.Wait! Did I say that? What I meant to say was ...
I am glad to hear you enjoy working out and being active
I don't really like working out, but I go to the gym three times a week because I know I should. I'm still not skinny/slim/slender/fill-in-your-favorite-synonym-here and don't think I ever will be. I certainly don't have a "fit/muscular build." And, um ... I don't want to.
Anyway, maybe I'm being too sensitive. Or maybe I need to re-think how I write my ads. I'm thinking Ad #2 will have a slightly different flavor - still honest and true, but different. You know?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
What are you looking for?
Twice now I've been asked what I'm looking for. Once in e-mail (I haven't yet responded to that question) and once in person (I evaded the question). I don't want to lie (plus, the rules don't permit it), but I also don't want to say, "Well, you know I'm looking for a crazy story to share." So what should I say? I think I've landed on
"I'm looking to meet some new people, maybe make a friend or two, and if it just so happens that I meet someone so cool I want to spend oodles of time with him, well - all the better."
But, really, I wish men wouldn't ask. It makes dating sound so calculated. Maybe that's what dating is, but the romantic in me (I admit - the romantic side of me is pretty small, but what little of it is there) wants to believe that dating shouldn't be such a game.
I just got back from meeting someone for the first time. In e-mail he described his life as "being upside down" right now. In person he told me that he's going through a divorce; he just moved out (just as in TODAY) because his soon-to-be-ex is "what you might call a husband beater." This guy seemed pretty broken. When he asked me what I'm looking for and I evaded the question, he told me he's not looking for anything deep. Fair enough, I guess, but I wonder how most people take that?
He talked and talked and talked. There were moments when he stopped himself and acknowledged that he was doing most of the talking, but it was okay with me to just listen. I wasn't attracted to him, and I can't imagine myself ever really dating him (meeting him was a date, though, wasn't it?), but sitting with him and listening to him - that I could do. And, actually, when he did ask me questions, he forced me to think about what is important to me in this whole dating thing.
Why can't I see myself with him?
Well, as I said, I'm not attracted to him. In part, that's because he's quite a bit older than me, I think. The greatest age difference between me and someone I've dated is 7 years. We were both in graduate school at the time, very much at the same point in our lives. Seven years wasn't that much then, and I don't imagine it would be that much now. Interestingly, this guy asked if the 12 year age difference bothered me; I said it doesn't. (Then he asked if I'd date someone who is 12 years younger than me, and to that I can absolutely say no.) I don't think I was lying - it's not the fact that he's older, it's that we're not at the same point in our lives. He's in the midst of a divorce; he helped raise 2 stepchildren who are in their early 20s, he's been laid off and is seeking a career change. It sounds very mid-life crisis to me.
But I listened. I listened to him tell me about the other women he's met on Craigslist. There was the one who is 34, married with 5 children, looking for an affair. There was the one who told him she was beautiful (and then gave him the name of some soap opera star, but as I don't watch soap operas, the name escaped me the moment he said it), but when he met her he "threw up a little in his mouth."
I listened to him tell me that I am "not like the other women." Why? Well ... he enjoys my e-mails; they are smart and thoughtful. I seem insightful and grounded. I have opinions and am something of a smartass. I have a good vocabulary. I mostly agree with his assessment of me. He thinks I am "worldly" because I have lived many places and can talk about many things. I want to know why that makes me special; I want to know why it isn't the case that all women share their intelligence with the world. He tells me that the average IQ is 100. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I want more women to show men they are smart. I don't want to be the only smart woman he thinks he'll meet.
On the other hand, maybe it's true. He told me that an eye condition makes it hard for him to read. His eyes get very tired, and it strains his brain. I want to believe that he really does have a condition. But he tells me that he has only read three books in his entire life. The last one was in 6th grade. He has only read three books in his entire life. His entire life! (Except textbooks, he says - which, as a laid-off mechanical engineer, it is probably true that he's read some textbooks.) He's not unintelligent. He tells me that he likes to learn new things. He reads newspapers and magazines. I can appreciate that. But no books?
Am I a bad person for that? Am I a bad person for that if he has a valid reason for not reading books? (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting that his reason is valid.)
"I'm looking to meet some new people, maybe make a friend or two, and if it just so happens that I meet someone so cool I want to spend oodles of time with him, well - all the better."
But, really, I wish men wouldn't ask. It makes dating sound so calculated. Maybe that's what dating is, but the romantic in me (I admit - the romantic side of me is pretty small, but what little of it is there) wants to believe that dating shouldn't be such a game.
I just got back from meeting someone for the first time. In e-mail he described his life as "being upside down" right now. In person he told me that he's going through a divorce; he just moved out (just as in TODAY) because his soon-to-be-ex is "what you might call a husband beater." This guy seemed pretty broken. When he asked me what I'm looking for and I evaded the question, he told me he's not looking for anything deep. Fair enough, I guess, but I wonder how most people take that?
He talked and talked and talked. There were moments when he stopped himself and acknowledged that he was doing most of the talking, but it was okay with me to just listen. I wasn't attracted to him, and I can't imagine myself ever really dating him (meeting him was a date, though, wasn't it?), but sitting with him and listening to him - that I could do. And, actually, when he did ask me questions, he forced me to think about what is important to me in this whole dating thing.
Why can't I see myself with him?
Well, as I said, I'm not attracted to him. In part, that's because he's quite a bit older than me, I think. The greatest age difference between me and someone I've dated is 7 years. We were both in graduate school at the time, very much at the same point in our lives. Seven years wasn't that much then, and I don't imagine it would be that much now. Interestingly, this guy asked if the 12 year age difference bothered me; I said it doesn't. (Then he asked if I'd date someone who is 12 years younger than me, and to that I can absolutely say no.) I don't think I was lying - it's not the fact that he's older, it's that we're not at the same point in our lives. He's in the midst of a divorce; he helped raise 2 stepchildren who are in their early 20s, he's been laid off and is seeking a career change. It sounds very mid-life crisis to me.
I am not attracted to mid-life crisis.
But I listened. I listened to him tell me about the other women he's met on Craigslist. There was the one who is 34, married with 5 children, looking for an affair. There was the one who told him she was beautiful (and then gave him the name of some soap opera star, but as I don't watch soap operas, the name escaped me the moment he said it), but when he met her he "threw up a little in his mouth."
I listened to him tell me that I am "not like the other women." Why? Well ... he enjoys my e-mails; they are smart and thoughtful. I seem insightful and grounded. I have opinions and am something of a smartass. I have a good vocabulary. I mostly agree with his assessment of me. He thinks I am "worldly" because I have lived many places and can talk about many things. I want to know why that makes me special; I want to know why it isn't the case that all women share their intelligence with the world. He tells me that the average IQ is 100. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I want more women to show men they are smart. I don't want to be the only smart woman he thinks he'll meet.
On the other hand, maybe it's true. He told me that an eye condition makes it hard for him to read. His eyes get very tired, and it strains his brain. I want to believe that he really does have a condition. But he tells me that he has only read three books in his entire life. The last one was in 6th grade. He has only read three books in his entire life. His entire life! (Except textbooks, he says - which, as a laid-off mechanical engineer, it is probably true that he's read some textbooks.) He's not unintelligent. He tells me that he likes to learn new things. He reads newspapers and magazines. I can appreciate that. But no books?
I am not attracted to a dislike of reading.
Am I a bad person for that? Am I a bad person for that if he has a valid reason for not reading books? (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting that his reason is valid.)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
BPB, Revisited
I should have known it would happen. I've heard from several of you (by private message), asking about BPB. The most popular question, by far?
Remember how I met him about 6 months before he asked me out? Remember how, whenever we ran into each other outside our doors, we made small talk? Well, I could not for the life of me remember his name. The day he asked me out, I drew a complete and total blank on his name. SIX MONTHS of talking to the guy, and when he requests a bit more of my time in a one-on-one situation, I let him down. I didn't remember his name.
Oh, I remembered his roommate's name well enough (let's call him "PornMaster" - more on that later). Somehow, that was an easy one. Despite the fact that I'd never talked to PornMaster, I knew his name - first and last. Yet, this guy who I'd been talking to at least twice a week for SIX MONTHS? Nope. Don't know his name. And, really, is it really okay to go on a date with someone whose name you don't know? That seems kind of lame. And it's especially lame when you've been told his name.
So I jumped into action. More accurately, I crept into action. I watched to see when his car was gone. I watched to see when the lights were out in their apartment. I waited for the mailman. And when I was certain no one could see me, I tiptoed over to their door, pulled out their mail, and looked at the addressees. On the first day, only PornMaster got any mail. Same thing on the second day. Third time's the charm, though, and the day before our date, I learned BPB's name. You can call me "Mail Stalker," if you want.
The thing you've been wondering about, though - what about that?
Well, no. It was not at all awkward to see him after. It could have been. It maybe should have been. But there was too much other drama happening in the BPB-PornMaster apartment for a little thing like that to get in the way. (I suspect this drama had been happening the whole time, but I'd remained oblivious to it until my interest was piqued by the "incident.")
Like the two different times the cops visited...
First, the men in blue came by to pay a friendly arresting visit to PornMaster. Turns out he'd been producing pornographic videos in their apartment, and something about that wasn't exactly on the up-and-up.
Then, they showed up in the middle of the night a few months later. BPB had called them to request that they escort a female visitor off the premises. I was thankful for that call, actually, as the woman had been pounding on their door (and my bedroom window, a few times), screaming at BPB about how he'd been cheating on her and she wasn't going to stand for that. She pounded and screamed, screamed and pounded. That woman was going nuts on him. But you know what's really funny about it? When he opened the door for the cops (it was him - I was watching through the bedroom window, so I know it was him), she looked at him and stopped screaming immediately. Turns out she'd been seeing someone else who told her his name was BPB and given him BPB/PornMaster's address. How funny is THAT? BPB actually stopped by my place the next day to apologize for the noise.
Anyway, the point is that there was drama enough going on after I saw all BPB had to offer that it just wasn't awkward. Plus, we just made an effort not to cross paths quite as often. Plus (and maybe this is the real reason), I moved shortly thereafter.
Was it awkward living next door to him after he exposed himself to you?So I figure BPB warrants just a little more of our time. Plus, perhaps I haven't been totally fair to him. No - I've been perfectly fair to him. But I had my own moment of freakdom with him, and it's the right thing to be upfront about that.
Remember how I met him about 6 months before he asked me out? Remember how, whenever we ran into each other outside our doors, we made small talk? Well, I could not for the life of me remember his name. The day he asked me out, I drew a complete and total blank on his name. SIX MONTHS of talking to the guy, and when he requests a bit more of my time in a one-on-one situation, I let him down. I didn't remember his name.
Oh, I remembered his roommate's name well enough (let's call him "PornMaster" - more on that later). Somehow, that was an easy one. Despite the fact that I'd never talked to PornMaster, I knew his name - first and last. Yet, this guy who I'd been talking to at least twice a week for SIX MONTHS? Nope. Don't know his name. And, really, is it really okay to go on a date with someone whose name you don't know? That seems kind of lame. And it's especially lame when you've been told his name.
So I jumped into action. More accurately, I crept into action. I watched to see when his car was gone. I watched to see when the lights were out in their apartment. I waited for the mailman. And when I was certain no one could see me, I tiptoed over to their door, pulled out their mail, and looked at the addressees. On the first day, only PornMaster got any mail. Same thing on the second day. Third time's the charm, though, and the day before our date, I learned BPB's name. You can call me "Mail Stalker," if you want.
The thing you've been wondering about, though - what about that?
Well, no. It was not at all awkward to see him after. It could have been. It maybe should have been. But there was too much other drama happening in the BPB-PornMaster apartment for a little thing like that to get in the way. (I suspect this drama had been happening the whole time, but I'd remained oblivious to it until my interest was piqued by the "incident.")
Like the two different times the cops visited...
First, the men in blue came by to pay a friendly arresting visit to PornMaster. Turns out he'd been producing pornographic videos in their apartment, and something about that wasn't exactly on the up-and-up.
Then, they showed up in the middle of the night a few months later. BPB had called them to request that they escort a female visitor off the premises. I was thankful for that call, actually, as the woman had been pounding on their door (and my bedroom window, a few times), screaming at BPB about how he'd been cheating on her and she wasn't going to stand for that. She pounded and screamed, screamed and pounded. That woman was going nuts on him. But you know what's really funny about it? When he opened the door for the cops (it was him - I was watching through the bedroom window, so I know it was him), she looked at him and stopped screaming immediately. Turns out she'd been seeing someone else who told her his name was BPB and given him BPB/PornMaster's address. How funny is THAT? BPB actually stopped by my place the next day to apologize for the noise.
Anyway, the point is that there was drama enough going on after I saw all BPB had to offer that it just wasn't awkward. Plus, we just made an effort not to cross paths quite as often. Plus (and maybe this is the real reason), I moved shortly thereafter.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Huh.
So, life is pretty funny sometimes, I'm thinking. I think that a lot, but today I'm thinking it because...
I've been really on top of this blog, writing posts and scheduling them days in advance. In fact, there are three more all queued up and ready to go. In part that's because I've been finding that I actually have quite a bit to say. In part it's because I know that there will be a point at which I don't have time to sit down and write something new every few days. And, in part it is because I want to write the stories when they are fresh, but there's still this nagging sense that I need to hold off on actually putting them out into the ether.
All that is to say that this morning's post was written at least a week and a half ago. Maybe two weeks ago. At a time when the idea that I might meet someone I actually thought had potential was still kind of laughable. I mean, I walked into this project with my eyes wide open, and I knew it would be foolish to assume there wouldn't be some pretty great people looking to meet other pretty great people ... and why shouldn't they use Craigslist along with the masses, but come on! Really? Was I really going to meet someone? I was pretty sure that was a shot in the dark. We're talking really long shot, really dark dark.
I'd forgotten about this morning's post until I received notification that some of you had commented on it. (And I was pretty surprised, since it's the FIRST time the scheduling feature actually worked. For each of the previously scheduled posts, I had to go in and manually post them - which, by the way, defeats the purpose of a scheduling feature.) Anyway, I'd forgotten that I had written a brief post in which I wondered what would happen if I met someone I actually liked.
Call it fate. Kismet. Destiny. I don't know.
But I scheduled that post for just a few days after I did meet someone who seems pretty cool. Cool enough that I felt compelled to tell him about the blog. Cool enough that I am contemplating whether or not this project should continue. For now it will ... he says he'd like it to and will even do something obnoxious if it'll get him in the blog. I think I'll let him know he made it without having to stage some crazy drama. Did I mention cool enough to think this is an interesting endeavor?
In the meantime, it may mean that my attention to the project won't be quite so full -- after all, this stuff takes time. And it just might be the case that I won't have as much of it.
I've been really on top of this blog, writing posts and scheduling them days in advance. In fact, there are three more all queued up and ready to go. In part that's because I've been finding that I actually have quite a bit to say. In part it's because I know that there will be a point at which I don't have time to sit down and write something new every few days. And, in part it is because I want to write the stories when they are fresh, but there's still this nagging sense that I need to hold off on actually putting them out into the ether.
All that is to say that this morning's post was written at least a week and a half ago. Maybe two weeks ago. At a time when the idea that I might meet someone I actually thought had potential was still kind of laughable. I mean, I walked into this project with my eyes wide open, and I knew it would be foolish to assume there wouldn't be some pretty great people looking to meet other pretty great people ... and why shouldn't they use Craigslist along with the masses, but come on! Really? Was I really going to meet someone? I was pretty sure that was a shot in the dark. We're talking really long shot, really dark dark.
I'd forgotten about this morning's post until I received notification that some of you had commented on it. (And I was pretty surprised, since it's the FIRST time the scheduling feature actually worked. For each of the previously scheduled posts, I had to go in and manually post them - which, by the way, defeats the purpose of a scheduling feature.) Anyway, I'd forgotten that I had written a brief post in which I wondered what would happen if I met someone I actually liked.
Call it fate. Kismet. Destiny. I don't know.
But I scheduled that post for just a few days after I did meet someone who seems pretty cool. Cool enough that I felt compelled to tell him about the blog. Cool enough that I am contemplating whether or not this project should continue. For now it will ... he says he'd like it to and will even do something obnoxious if it'll get him in the blog. I think I'll let him know he made it without having to stage some crazy drama. Did I mention cool enough to think this is an interesting endeavor?
In the meantime, it may mean that my attention to the project won't be quite so full -- after all, this stuff takes time. And it just might be the case that I won't have as much of it.
I wonder
Umm... what happens if one of these men turns out not to be a freak? And, what happens if I actually like one of them? I don't have any rules about that.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Apparently I wasn't his cup of hot chocolate
My first face-to-face meeting this go-around was actually with the last guy to respond to my first CL ad. I'm quickly learning that everyone has their own ideas about how this process should look. There are guys who respond to ads with long, thoughtful e-mails who never seem to move past that step; there are guys who want to spend some time in the give-and-take phase, using e-mail or phone conversations before ever meeting; and there are the guys who'd rather minimize the conversation at the front end just get to meeting you already.
This guy is in the final category. Short and sweet messages were the norm from "Math Geek":
Hi there, I'm not exactly sure if we would be a good match but I thought to try anyway. I posted my own ad with a couple of pictures. Let me know if you're interested :)
So, rule-follower that I am, I knew I had to respond. I followed the link to his ad to learn that he
1) used to be in the Navy,
2) is working on his masters degree in mathematics, and
3) he thinks he's handsome (photos confirm that he's a pretty good looking guy).
I think - "Hey! We have something in common - I have a degree in math." He calls himself smart but not a bookworm. Me too! I know my ad isn't perfect, but what the heck makes him wonder if we're a good match or not? I mean, really! Who wouldn't think I'm a great catch? Ahem.
So I respond and asked what it is that makes him unsure.
It wasn't that I seemed unsure by what you had written, but you didn't have a picture attached with your ad so I was leaving that question up to you. Do you have a picture?
Oh right. He wants to know what I look like. Of course. That's reasonable. I send him a photo. He says I seem cute and asks me to call or text him. But I don't actually know his name, and there's something about calling someone who's name I don't know that doesn't set well with me. Call it a quirk, but it's just not going to happen. I tell him that and give him my number. He texts within hours. And we make plans to meet within the hour. Whew! That was quick!
It's an easy meet - we're going to have coffee/tea/hot chocolate at the bookstore midway between our homes. (Or ... midway between the general areas where we've told each other we live.)
Short and sweet. We say hello. We order drinks (I get chai; he gets hot chocolate because he gave up coffee for tea, then tea for hot chocolate). We sit down. I start the conversation. I ask him about school. I ask about his research (it's math - I know math; I could follow him if he wanted to share. He doesn't.) 10 minutes later, he asks me what my plans are for the rest of the day. I don't really have any and ask his. He's headed to Target to buy Drano for his clogged sink. Apparently, he's doing that right now. As in, immediately. He stands, limply shakes my hand, and tells me it was nice to meet me.
Fastest date in the world! And it's cool, since I wasn't really feeling him either - and maybe you really can know something like that in 10 minutes. But sheesh! Let me get through more than half of my drink, why don't you? And I know I didn't say anything offensive because I hardly said anything at all. Oh well. One down. How many to go?
This guy is in the final category. Short and sweet messages were the norm from "Math Geek":
Hi there, I'm not exactly sure if we would be a good match but I thought to try anyway. I posted my own ad with a couple of pictures. Let me know if you're interested :)
So, rule-follower that I am, I knew I had to respond. I followed the link to his ad to learn that he
1) used to be in the Navy,
2) is working on his masters degree in mathematics, and
3) he thinks he's handsome (photos confirm that he's a pretty good looking guy).
I think - "Hey! We have something in common - I have a degree in math." He calls himself smart but not a bookworm. Me too! I know my ad isn't perfect, but what the heck makes him wonder if we're a good match or not? I mean, really! Who wouldn't think I'm a great catch? Ahem.
So I respond and asked what it is that makes him unsure.
It wasn't that I seemed unsure by what you had written, but you didn't have a picture attached with your ad so I was leaving that question up to you. Do you have a picture?
Oh right. He wants to know what I look like. Of course. That's reasonable. I send him a photo. He says I seem cute and asks me to call or text him. But I don't actually know his name, and there's something about calling someone who's name I don't know that doesn't set well with me. Call it a quirk, but it's just not going to happen. I tell him that and give him my number. He texts within hours. And we make plans to meet within the hour. Whew! That was quick!
It's an easy meet - we're going to have coffee/tea/hot chocolate at the bookstore midway between our homes. (Or ... midway between the general areas where we've told each other we live.)
Short and sweet. We say hello. We order drinks (I get chai; he gets hot chocolate because he gave up coffee for tea, then tea for hot chocolate). We sit down. I start the conversation. I ask him about school. I ask about his research (it's math - I know math; I could follow him if he wanted to share. He doesn't.) 10 minutes later, he asks me what my plans are for the rest of the day. I don't really have any and ask his. He's headed to Target to buy Drano for his clogged sink. Apparently, he's doing that right now. As in, immediately. He stands, limply shakes my hand, and tells me it was nice to meet me.
Fastest date in the world! And it's cool, since I wasn't really feeling him either - and maybe you really can know something like that in 10 minutes. But sheesh! Let me get through more than half of my drink, why don't you? And I know I didn't say anything offensive because I hardly said anything at all. Oh well. One down. How many to go?
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Quick! I need an opinion
I posted my second ad today. (And, boy, has the response been overwhelming! I've been reading/writing e-mails for about two hours ... I tell ya - this project is time consuming. It's no joke!) You'll get all the juicy goodness of the second ad when I'm done telling you all about the goodness of the first. Yes, there's MORE from the first -- be patient, my friends, be patient. Oh, and don't forget that the second ad has to expire before I can share it with you.
Anyway, I need your opinion, and I need it kind of quickly...
One of the responses to my second ad says he wants "a nice woman." I asked what that means to him. He said, "she should be honest." He also implied that if I'm not honest, I ought not continue to respond.
I'd like to oblige him.
So here's the question - is it dishonest for me to respond without telling him about my project? If so, I simply won't respond. If not, really? Is this honest?
Anyway, I need your opinion, and I need it kind of quickly...
One of the responses to my second ad says he wants "a nice woman." I asked what that means to him. He said, "she should be honest." He also implied that if I'm not honest, I ought not continue to respond.
I'd like to oblige him.
So here's the question - is it dishonest for me to respond without telling him about my project? If so, I simply won't respond. If not, really? Is this honest?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
When it rains, it pours
It's funny, isn't it? How aphorisms can so aptly describe a situation, I mean.
I wrote an ad, posted it on CL, and waited for responses. Several came. Only one really obvious creep in the bunch. The others wrote e-mails with varying degrees of intrigue (and grammatical skills - I'm such a stickler for that).* I wrote back to each and every one of them. Most responded to my response. And so the cycle went.
Then, one day it all just dried up. Gone. I knew there would be no new responses, as the ad had expired. But all the guys who'd been e-mailing me? They all just stopped. Every single one of them.
That's weird.
It made me wonder if I'd said something.
I started to feel a little bad about myself.
I mean, one guy deciding it's not worth continuing conversation with - that's one thing. All of them? All on the same day? I knew I was my father's daughter when
I started to think there was a conspiracy against me.
I know what you're thinking - where's the rain? Where's the pouring? This sounds more like a drought.
Except that yesterday, FOUR of them sent me messages, all with the same theme:
I'm sorry it's been a while. Life has gotten busy and time got away from me. I still really want to chat with you. I hope you're not mad at me.
Mad? No, I'm not mad.
I was feeling a little bit like the well had dried up and it was time to post a new ad. And I was wondering what I'd said or done to make EVERYONE bounce at the same time. And I had needed to remind myself that this is an experiment, and the experiment is NOT intended to wreak havoc on my self-esteem. Or even touch it slightly. But mad? Seriously?!?
The fact that all FOUR of them hoped I wouldn't be mad caused me to wonder...
WHO are these men?
No - WHO are the women they've meeting on Craigslist previously?
Do these women really get mad when someone THEY HAVE NEVER MET disappears? For a few days? Is that happening? Is that "normal"?
If that's normal, then I am definitely not it.
Oh - and for the record, there are still a couple out there who did seemingly drop off the face of the earth. I'm guessing they realized I'm not a good match for them. And,
I am okay with that.
* I admit that I'm a little afraid all of my grammar/spelling judgments are going to come back to haunt me one day. I'm going to make some error on this blog, and someone is going to judge extra harshly for it. Let this be my pre-error caveat: I'm not perfect; I know I'm not perfect; I don't expect you to be perfect; but if you're going to make errors in spelling/grammar and you're trying to impress me, know that you'll succeed only if you make them few and far between.
I wrote an ad, posted it on CL, and waited for responses. Several came. Only one really obvious creep in the bunch. The others wrote e-mails with varying degrees of intrigue (and grammatical skills - I'm such a stickler for that).* I wrote back to each and every one of them. Most responded to my response. And so the cycle went.
Then, one day it all just dried up. Gone. I knew there would be no new responses, as the ad had expired. But all the guys who'd been e-mailing me? They all just stopped. Every single one of them.
That's weird.
It made me wonder if I'd said something.
I started to feel a little bad about myself.
I mean, one guy deciding it's not worth continuing conversation with - that's one thing. All of them? All on the same day? I knew I was my father's daughter when
I started to think there was a conspiracy against me.
I know what you're thinking - where's the rain? Where's the pouring? This sounds more like a drought.
Except that yesterday, FOUR of them sent me messages, all with the same theme:
I'm sorry it's been a while. Life has gotten busy and time got away from me. I still really want to chat with you. I hope you're not mad at me.
Mad? No, I'm not mad.
I was feeling a little bit like the well had dried up and it was time to post a new ad. And I was wondering what I'd said or done to make EVERYONE bounce at the same time. And I had needed to remind myself that this is an experiment, and the experiment is NOT intended to wreak havoc on my self-esteem. Or even touch it slightly. But mad? Seriously?!?
The fact that all FOUR of them hoped I wouldn't be mad caused me to wonder...
WHO are these men?
No - WHO are the women they've meeting on Craigslist previously?
Do these women really get mad when someone THEY HAVE NEVER MET disappears? For a few days? Is that happening? Is that "normal"?
If that's normal, then I am definitely not it.
Oh - and for the record, there are still a couple out there who did seemingly drop off the face of the earth. I'm guessing they realized I'm not a good match for them. And,
I am okay with that.
* I admit that I'm a little afraid all of my grammar/spelling judgments are going to come back to haunt me one day. I'm going to make some error on this blog, and someone is going to judge extra harshly for it. Let this be my pre-error caveat: I'm not perfect; I know I'm not perfect; I don't expect you to be perfect; but if you're going to make errors in spelling/grammar and you're trying to impress me, know that you'll succeed only if you make them few and far between.
The Rules, revisited
Remember the rules? Remember rule #4? Here it is - just in case you've forgotten:
4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes.
Well, I reserve the right to change my mind. I reserve the right to really invoke the "safety first" mantra. And I don't really care what you think about it. I will not meet someone who makes my skin crawl through e-mail.
Why, you ask? Who is the man prompting this relatively early modification to the rules? They all get nicknames, so let's call this one Creepmeister. How 'bout that? I'll give all the gory goodness - but be warned ... it'll make this post long.
His first response to my ad (in full):
Hello,I like your profile and everything you said on your profile is interesting. I'm all new to this online dating thing,anyway My Name is Creepmeister, 5.6ft man, single with no kids.its quite difficult to write about oneself when u know that others will be judging u on what u write,im just going to be simple and fly straight, im an optimistic person who has a variety of interests. I'm a down to earth guy who consider himself confident, intelligent, honest, romantic, spontaneous, caring with a big heart,easy to get along with,positive personality,passionate,good Christian with a good sense of humour.i love working,watching movies.music im open minded and fun loving,little things in life count. im drug,smoke and disease free,im not into games,as they hurt,absolutely not a time waster.I await your reply.i will be expecting your mail. this is my email address and just in case you would love to get to know more about me,you could write back to me.
Whew. What's up with the no spaces between sentences or commas? And the terrible grammar? And the off-and-on capitalization? I admit that I'm guilty of not always using proper capitalization when I'm writing e-mails to friends, but I ALWAYS use it when I'm writing to a stranger. And MOST DEFINITELY when I'm trying to impress someone. And looky there - he pointed out how difficult it is to put oneself out there for fear of being judged.
So, I didn't judge. Nope. Even though I can be quite judgmental. I didn't judge Creepmeister. I wrote him back, just like the rules told me to:
Hi Creepmeister,
Thanks for responding to my ad! I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty of writing who you are - I found writing the ad especially tough (it's the first I've ever done, and I had to spend some time thinking about it before getting it all out on "paper." I had to keep reminding myself that people judge all the time, so this isn't really all that different.) Of course there's no way you can write everything or give a complete picture, but it's a start. I'm glad you found what I wrote intriguing; I can honestly say that everything in it is accurate - if only the tip of my iceberg.
I'm also new to online dating, and beyond writing the ad, I'm not exactly sure where to go - next steps, and all that. So maybe it's right to simply respond to what you've said - certainly you've given a pretty positive picture, and one of someone I'd be interested in getting to know better.
I appreciate that you're positive ... it's something I keep trying to do a better job of myself. By nature, I'm a cynic/skeptic, and that sometimes leads me to be more of a constructive critic than a pollyanna. I'm pretty sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, and that's what I've striving towards. I'm not always great at it, but like all things... it's a work in progress!
I am a huge fan of intelligence; I find both that and confidence attractive. Love a good laugh - sounds like you might be able to provide one (or two). Movies and music ... last movie rented - Flash of Genius; last concert attended - Jill Sobule. How about you? What's next? What would you like to know? Looking forward to hearing from you again, Fly Paper
See how well I did? Inside I was judging him, but I had laid out the rules to encourage myself to be more open-minded about who I might meet. (Well, let's be honest - I created the rules so that I'd go out with everyone who expressed an interest so that I could get some good stories out of the deal.) But see how well I did? I responded so nicely. I should have gone with my first instincts. The whole "good Christian" thing was actually a red flag for me. It's not that I have anything against good Christians (or bad ones, for that matter). As a general rule, I'm not particularly religious myself but truly don't care if you are. I actually find religion pretty fascinating. I attended Catholic schools for most of K-12, and I can hang with the religious crowd. But, my experience tells me that when people lead off with religion when introducing themselves, it's a big part of their identity. And that's okay, but it's probably not going to make them a very good match for me.
And, I contend, I really should have gone with my first instincts.
Because, Creepmeister responded.
Hello Fly Paper, I am a Honest,Faithful and Down to earth Man.I say whatever i have on my mind and keep nothing as secret from Who i meet(my partner),i believe no one knows were the true love lies and in whose heart you can fine the best.I will love to give another chance which i will not like to get hurt in the process.I have been hurt in my past relationship and it still a pain in my heart,i have a son 18 years old but living with his mom while i live alone,i have been a single for 6 year and half now.i don't have either of my parents anymore I lost my mom 18 years ago through breast cancer and my dad in 2002 in a car accident along with my brother (David).I was left to live alone and learn how to depend on my self and cater for my daily needs after i was rejected and called a witch afterward cos i was the only one laft after the death of other family members this make me live Usa for England,I was born in Usa and live there till i was 37 years old,My Hobbies are Drawing,Sailing,Fishing,Hunting and Reading.I will want you to take your profile away from the site if you are interested in me i am a one Woman man and will not like to share my Woman time and thinking with another man.I will not like to change you from the way you live your life. I hope to read from you again as soon as possible.I am now residing in England but was in the states for studies which i stooped learning from 3 weeks ago..I still wish to relocate if all work better between us,My main target in a relationship is living a happy life which will benefit our long lasting relationship..Hope to hear from you again..Ask me what ever you wish to know that i have not told you in this email i will reply with Honesty ... Yours In Love, Creepmeister,
Wait a minute, Creepmeister! You're an honest man, you say? You got an 18 year old son pretty quickly! I think you wrote me the first message in which you had NO KIDS the day before you told me that your son lives with his mother. Huh. That was some quick gestation and growth he had.
And, really, can I be honest with you? Your spelling, grammar, and just general writing abililties are making it REALLY hard for me to understand what you're trying to tell me. I told you I understood the difficulty of writing who you are, but that was kind of a lie. I mean, I understand that it's hard to put yourself out there to a complete stranger, but that's it. I don't generally find it difficult to get my point across in writing. And, can I be really honest with you? The right partner for me is someone who can do the same.
Can I be even more honest with you? You're making me feel a little squirmy. Like creepy-crawlies have gotten underneath my skin. I think you're lying to me. I don't think you are who you say you are. And I think you are awfully presumptuous to tell me I should take my ad down. I don't know you! Also, I hate your farewell - please don't ever sign off "in love" again. It's really, really creepy. Because, do you remember that YOU DON'T KNOW ME??? Plus, those pictures you sent me - I don't think they are you. I mean, look at them ...
Good. Now go look in the mirror. Not the same guy, right? Yeah... I didn't think so. Also, for future reference, the pictures you sent DO NOTHING FOR ME. Next time, maybe you should choose a less creepy guy as your model. Oh, and maybe next time you should choose just a couple of pictures; no need to send FIVE.
Alright readers - you got me. I didn't write any of that to Creepmeister. I wanted to, but I was chicken. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not really all that brave. So instead, I took refuge in that part of his message that said he's now living in England. Whew! The rules don't say anything about long distance wannabe-paramours, so I figured I could make that rule up right there on the spot. Living in England? Nope - don't have to meet him. I still wanted to be nice, though:
Hi Creepmeister,
Thank you for your heartfelt and honest response. I am sorry to hear that you have experienced such loss in the past; it sounds as though you are healing well from the pain.
If I read your message correctly, you are not currently living in the United States. While I appreciate that you have found something about me intriguing, I am unfortunately not interested in beginning (or being in) a long-distance relationship at this time. I have done that before and am not interested in doing so now.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for love, though!
Yes, I know that it wasn't an honest response. I was just trying to be nice. I have that problem. Sometimes I work too hard to be nice to people who do not deserve it.
I thought that would be the end of it. I mean, I told him I wasn't interested. Right? Ha! If you think that, then you're as naive as I was ...
Wait a minute! What? Ugh. My skin is crawling even as I re-read this. I responded one last time and told him in no uncertain terms (no more niceness) that I didn't really care what he thought. I did not want to get to know him. Ever.
I haven't heard from him since.
And then I modified rule #4. If a man makes me feel that way in his e-mails, then I do not have to respond to him. I do not have to meet him. Even if he doesn't live in England. And I do not have to feel bad about it. And it's okay if it means I have lost a good story. Safety first should mean just that. So rule #4 is more of a suggestion. It just is.
4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes.
Well, I reserve the right to change my mind. I reserve the right to really invoke the "safety first" mantra. And I don't really care what you think about it. I will not meet someone who makes my skin crawl through e-mail.
Why, you ask? Who is the man prompting this relatively early modification to the rules? They all get nicknames, so let's call this one Creepmeister. How 'bout that? I'll give all the gory goodness - but be warned ... it'll make this post long.
His first response to my ad (in full):
Hello,I like your profile and everything you said on your profile is interesting. I'm all new to this online dating thing,anyway My Name is Creepmeister, 5.6ft man, single with no kids.its quite difficult to write about oneself when u know that others will be judging u on what u write,im just going to be simple and fly straight, im an optimistic person who has a variety of interests. I'm a down to earth guy who consider himself confident, intelligent, honest, romantic, spontaneous, caring with a big heart,easy to get along with,positive personality,passionate,good Christian with a good sense of humour.i love working,watching movies.music im open minded and fun loving,little things in life count. im drug,smoke and disease free,im not into games,as they hurt,absolutely not a time waster.I await your reply.i will be expecting your mail. this is my email address and just in case you would love to get to know more about me,you could write back to me.
Whew. What's up with the no spaces between sentences or commas? And the terrible grammar? And the off-and-on capitalization? I admit that I'm guilty of not always using proper capitalization when I'm writing e-mails to friends, but I ALWAYS use it when I'm writing to a stranger. And MOST DEFINITELY when I'm trying to impress someone. And looky there - he pointed out how difficult it is to put oneself out there for fear of being judged.
So, I didn't judge. Nope. Even though I can be quite judgmental. I didn't judge Creepmeister. I wrote him back, just like the rules told me to:
Hi Creepmeister,
Thanks for responding to my ad! I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty of writing who you are - I found writing the ad especially tough (it's the first I've ever done, and I had to spend some time thinking about it before getting it all out on "paper." I had to keep reminding myself that people judge all the time, so this isn't really all that different.) Of course there's no way you can write everything or give a complete picture, but it's a start. I'm glad you found what I wrote intriguing; I can honestly say that everything in it is accurate - if only the tip of my iceberg.
I'm also new to online dating, and beyond writing the ad, I'm not exactly sure where to go - next steps, and all that. So maybe it's right to simply respond to what you've said - certainly you've given a pretty positive picture, and one of someone I'd be interested in getting to know better.
I appreciate that you're positive ... it's something I keep trying to do a better job of myself. By nature, I'm a cynic/skeptic, and that sometimes leads me to be more of a constructive critic than a pollyanna. I'm pretty sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, and that's what I've striving towards. I'm not always great at it, but like all things... it's a work in progress!
I am a huge fan of intelligence; I find both that and confidence attractive. Love a good laugh - sounds like you might be able to provide one (or two). Movies and music ... last movie rented - Flash of Genius; last concert attended - Jill Sobule. How about you? What's next? What would you like to know? Looking forward to hearing from you again, Fly Paper
See how well I did? Inside I was judging him, but I had laid out the rules to encourage myself to be more open-minded about who I might meet. (Well, let's be honest - I created the rules so that I'd go out with everyone who expressed an interest so that I could get some good stories out of the deal.) But see how well I did? I responded so nicely. I should have gone with my first instincts. The whole "good Christian" thing was actually a red flag for me. It's not that I have anything against good Christians (or bad ones, for that matter). As a general rule, I'm not particularly religious myself but truly don't care if you are. I actually find religion pretty fascinating. I attended Catholic schools for most of K-12, and I can hang with the religious crowd. But, my experience tells me that when people lead off with religion when introducing themselves, it's a big part of their identity. And that's okay, but it's probably not going to make them a very good match for me.
And, I contend, I really should have gone with my first instincts.
Because, Creepmeister responded.
Hello Fly Paper, I am a Honest,Faithful and Down to earth Man.I say whatever i have on my mind and keep nothing as secret from Who i meet(my partner),i believe no one knows were the true love lies and in whose heart you can fine the best.I will love to give another chance which i will not like to get hurt in the process.I have been hurt in my past relationship and it still a pain in my heart,i have a son 18 years old but living with his mom while i live alone,i have been a single for 6 year and half now.i don't have either of my parents anymore I lost my mom 18 years ago through breast cancer and my dad in 2002 in a car accident along with my brother (David).I was left to live alone and learn how to depend on my self and cater for my daily needs after i was rejected and called a witch afterward cos i was the only one laft after the death of other family members this make me live Usa for England,I was born in Usa and live there till i was 37 years old,My Hobbies are Drawing,Sailing,Fishing,Hunting and Reading.I will want you to take your profile away from the site if you are interested in me i am a one Woman man and will not like to share my Woman time and thinking with another man.I will not like to change you from the way you live your life. I hope to read from you again as soon as possible.I am now residing in England but was in the states for studies which i stooped learning from 3 weeks ago..I still wish to relocate if all work better between us,My main target in a relationship is living a happy life which will benefit our long lasting relationship..Hope to hear from you again..Ask me what ever you wish to know that i have not told you in this email i will reply with Honesty ... Yours In Love, Creepmeister,
Wait a minute, Creepmeister! You're an honest man, you say? You got an 18 year old son pretty quickly! I think you wrote me the first message in which you had NO KIDS the day before you told me that your son lives with his mother. Huh. That was some quick gestation and growth he had.
And, really, can I be honest with you? Your spelling, grammar, and just general writing abililties are making it REALLY hard for me to understand what you're trying to tell me. I told you I understood the difficulty of writing who you are, but that was kind of a lie. I mean, I understand that it's hard to put yourself out there to a complete stranger, but that's it. I don't generally find it difficult to get my point across in writing. And, can I be really honest with you? The right partner for me is someone who can do the same.
Can I be even more honest with you? You're making me feel a little squirmy. Like creepy-crawlies have gotten underneath my skin. I think you're lying to me. I don't think you are who you say you are. And I think you are awfully presumptuous to tell me I should take my ad down. I don't know you! Also, I hate your farewell - please don't ever sign off "in love" again. It's really, really creepy. Because, do you remember that YOU DON'T KNOW ME??? Plus, those pictures you sent me - I don't think they are you. I mean, look at them ...
Good. Now go look in the mirror. Not the same guy, right? Yeah... I didn't think so. Also, for future reference, the pictures you sent DO NOTHING FOR ME. Next time, maybe you should choose a less creepy guy as your model. Oh, and maybe next time you should choose just a couple of pictures; no need to send FIVE.Alright readers - you got me. I didn't write any of that to Creepmeister. I wanted to, but I was chicken. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not really all that brave. So instead, I took refuge in that part of his message that said he's now living in England. Whew! The rules don't say anything about long distance wannabe-paramours, so I figured I could make that rule up right there on the spot. Living in England? Nope - don't have to meet him. I still wanted to be nice, though:
Hi Creepmeister,
Thank you for your heartfelt and honest response. I am sorry to hear that you have experienced such loss in the past; it sounds as though you are healing well from the pain.
If I read your message correctly, you are not currently living in the United States. While I appreciate that you have found something about me intriguing, I am unfortunately not interested in beginning (or being in) a long-distance relationship at this time. I have done that before and am not interested in doing so now.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for love, though!
Yes, I know that it wasn't an honest response. I was just trying to be nice. I have that problem. Sometimes I work too hard to be nice to people who do not deserve it.
I thought that would be the end of it. I mean, I told him I wasn't interested. Right? Ha! If you think that, then you're as naive as I was ...
Hello,
How are you doing?well i so much appreciate your reply but to me distance does not matter in a relationship and am promising you that if all works out fine us i will relocate to you but we need to get to knwo eachother well first please give me ou.your phone no so i can call you.
Creepmeister.
Creepmeister.
Wait a minute! What? Ugh. My skin is crawling even as I re-read this. I responded one last time and told him in no uncertain terms (no more niceness) that I didn't really care what he thought. I did not want to get to know him. Ever.
I haven't heard from him since.
And then I modified rule #4. If a man makes me feel that way in his e-mails, then I do not have to respond to him. I do not have to meet him. Even if he doesn't live in England. And I do not have to feel bad about it. And it's okay if it means I have lost a good story. Safety first should mean just that. So rule #4 is more of a suggestion. It just is.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Lessons Learned, part 1
There are SO MANY things I've learned about my ad:
1) I wrote more than most people (most ads are, on average, about 2 sentences long)
2) I gave way too much credit to men, thinking they might be able to read between the lines. Or, alternately, I didn't give them enough credit and they are reading between lines I didn't even know were there.
And my favorite,
3) I wrote phantom words.
It's true! I offer the following excerpt from a response as proof:
"Oh yeah, I am 6'4' tall. I love the fact that you are tall. You won't have to worry about wearing heals around me. ;)"
Huh. I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything about being tall. Hold on - let me check just to be sure. Yep. I didn't say anything about being tall. Know how I knew that before I checked? Because I am not tall. Not even close. I can't even pretend. At 5'1", I am practically the shortest person I know. And I am most certainly the shortest adult I know.
So, he really read something he wanted to see in there. Or I wrote some phantom lies. Those pesky rules are going to come back to haunt me, aren't they? Is it fair to hold myself accountable to the rules if I don't even know that I'm breaking them?
**For now, I'm ignoring the fact that the guy doesn't know how to spell "heels." The rest of his response was mostly grammatically correct, and his spelling was pretty good - certainly better than most. (Just you wait - there are some doozies out there!)
1) I wrote more than most people (most ads are, on average, about 2 sentences long)
2) I gave way too much credit to men, thinking they might be able to read between the lines. Or, alternately, I didn't give them enough credit and they are reading between lines I didn't even know were there.
And my favorite,
3) I wrote phantom words.
It's true! I offer the following excerpt from a response as proof:
"Oh yeah, I am 6'4' tall. I love the fact that you are tall. You won't have to worry about wearing heals around me. ;)"
Huh. I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything about being tall. Hold on - let me check just to be sure. Yep. I didn't say anything about being tall. Know how I knew that before I checked? Because I am not tall. Not even close. I can't even pretend. At 5'1", I am practically the shortest person I know. And I am most certainly the shortest adult I know.
So, he really read something he wanted to see in there. Or I wrote some phantom lies. Those pesky rules are going to come back to haunt me, aren't they? Is it fair to hold myself accountable to the rules if I don't even know that I'm breaking them?
**For now, I'm ignoring the fact that the guy doesn't know how to spell "heels." The rest of his response was mostly grammatically correct, and his spelling was pretty good - certainly better than most. (Just you wait - there are some doozies out there!)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Ad Number One
I did it. I posted an ad on Craigslist. I followed rule #1, and I put myself out there. (Actually, to be fair, I did it a little more than a week ago - I had to wait until the ad expired before I could post it here because I'd hate for someone to take a piece of the ad, google it, and discover what I'm really doing. You know? Yeah, I get that thinking someone might do that makes me paranoid. But the thing is, I would do that. So I'm sure there's someone else out there who would. Right?) And boy-oh-boy have I learned what not to do in the future. I can, and probably will, write several posts about what not to say in a personals ad. And I've learned that my ad isn't really like anyone else's. Sigh.
I'm never like anyone else.
So, without further ado, the text of my first-ever Craigslist personals ad:
Okay - I'm a little picky, but so are you, right?
I’m not afraid to think things like an adult spelling bee or trivia night are cool; you aren’t either.
I try to get to the gym at least three days a week, but I’m still a work in progress. I don’t expect I’ll ever be perfect, and I’m okay with that.
When I tire of the gym, I’ll head out for a hike. I’m not a hardcore outdoorswoman, though, so a few miles are generally enough for me. I’ve been thinking of buying a bike to spice up the non-gym activities, but a few things hold me back – maybe you can help?
1) While I’ll walk alone, I’m not so keen on biking alone … just doesn’t seem all that fun without a friend.
2) It’s been awhile since I’ve been on a bike, and I’m a teensy bit scared. It wasn’t just funny when my 6 year old niece told me, “When I think of the word ‘clumsy,’ I see a picture of you in my mind”; it was also a solid commentary on my not-always-graceful nature.
3) I really don’t know anything about bikes or buying one, and while I could shop around and ask questions, it’s possible you know all the right ones to ask.
I’m a native of this fair city, but I know I’ve experienced only a fraction of its gems. You want to explore the remainder with me.
I’m interested in other peoples’ lives, and I appreciate when they’re interested in hearing about mine. I met someone for a mutual lesson the other day, spent two and a half hours together, and never once was I asked a question. I want to hear you talk, and you want the same from me. Besides the simple fact that I can be pretty interesting, a reciprocal conversation is far more enjoyable than thinking the other person invited you along just so it didn’t appear they were talking to themselves.
I’ve been on vacation for a week, didn’t leave town (I’m planning to leave when I have another week in July), and my house still isn’t clean. I’m just not a neat freak, and as long as you’re not a packrat, we should be able to make it work.
I’ll want to hang out with you, but I also like time alone. You’ll hear a sigh of relief when you tell me you’d rather go out with friends than spending every waking moment together.
I’m something of a cynic and can be judgmental at times. I’m working on both.
I don’t smoke or do drugs; neither do you. One beer, glass of wine, or cocktail can get me tipsy; two can just about do me in. I’m not a huge fan of animals of any type, and I’m fairly certain I’m developing an allergy to cats; I won’t shun you because you have them, but I probably won’t touch them, find them cute or cuddly, or want to take them out to play.
Not enough? Let me know what you think…
I'm never like anyone else.
So, without further ado, the text of my first-ever Craigslist personals ad:
Okay - I'm a little picky, but so are you, right?
I’m not afraid to think things like an adult spelling bee or trivia night are cool; you aren’t either.
I try to get to the gym at least three days a week, but I’m still a work in progress. I don’t expect I’ll ever be perfect, and I’m okay with that.
When I tire of the gym, I’ll head out for a hike. I’m not a hardcore outdoorswoman, though, so a few miles are generally enough for me. I’ve been thinking of buying a bike to spice up the non-gym activities, but a few things hold me back – maybe you can help?
1) While I’ll walk alone, I’m not so keen on biking alone … just doesn’t seem all that fun without a friend.
2) It’s been awhile since I’ve been on a bike, and I’m a teensy bit scared. It wasn’t just funny when my 6 year old niece told me, “When I think of the word ‘clumsy,’ I see a picture of you in my mind”; it was also a solid commentary on my not-always-graceful nature.
3) I really don’t know anything about bikes or buying one, and while I could shop around and ask questions, it’s possible you know all the right ones to ask.
I’m a native of this fair city, but I know I’ve experienced only a fraction of its gems. You want to explore the remainder with me.
I’m interested in other peoples’ lives, and I appreciate when they’re interested in hearing about mine. I met someone for a mutual lesson the other day, spent two and a half hours together, and never once was I asked a question. I want to hear you talk, and you want the same from me. Besides the simple fact that I can be pretty interesting, a reciprocal conversation is far more enjoyable than thinking the other person invited you along just so it didn’t appear they were talking to themselves.
I’ve been on vacation for a week, didn’t leave town (I’m planning to leave when I have another week in July), and my house still isn’t clean. I’m just not a neat freak, and as long as you’re not a packrat, we should be able to make it work.
I’ll want to hang out with you, but I also like time alone. You’ll hear a sigh of relief when you tell me you’d rather go out with friends than spending every waking moment together.
I’m something of a cynic and can be judgmental at times. I’m working on both.
I don’t smoke or do drugs; neither do you. One beer, glass of wine, or cocktail can get me tipsy; two can just about do me in. I’m not a huge fan of animals of any type, and I’m fairly certain I’m developing an allergy to cats; I won’t shun you because you have them, but I probably won’t touch them, find them cute or cuddly, or want to take them out to play.
Not enough? Let me know what you think…
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Freaks get cool nicknames
Every guy gets a nickname. This is partially in the name of confidentiality (or is it anonymity?), but it's also something that I've always done. Rather, it's something my friends have always done for me. And it's not just one or two friends - nope. I tell someone a story, and the next thing I know the guy in the story has a nickname. The men never know...
It started off pretty innocently, I think.
First there was "Q," so-named because he really had a penchant for dressing in a "GQ" fashion. But since his real name started with a "g," my friend Brad decided calling him Q was the way to go.
But then I met someone who's name actually started with a "q," and some of his friends already called him that. How would Brad and I differentiate between these two when talking about them? Yikes! Even though Q wasn't really part of my life anymore, I've never been very good at letting go totally. Thus, "Q2" was born. Q2 is still a very good friend of mine, and whenever I talk to Brad he refers to him by nickname.
The point of the nicknames, of course, is to be descriptive - either of the guy or the transgression that moved him into the "freak" category. My favorite freak story is that of Big Penis Boy, who even got a nickname for his nickname -- BPB!
I swear this is a true story. Let me say that again and more loudly -
It started off pretty innocently, I think.
First there was "Q," so-named because he really had a penchant for dressing in a "GQ" fashion. But since his real name started with a "g," my friend Brad decided calling him Q was the way to go.
But then I met someone who's name actually started with a "q," and some of his friends already called him that. How would Brad and I differentiate between these two when talking about them? Yikes! Even though Q wasn't really part of my life anymore, I've never been very good at letting go totally. Thus, "Q2" was born. Q2 is still a very good friend of mine, and whenever I talk to Brad he refers to him by nickname.
The point of the nicknames, of course, is to be descriptive - either of the guy or the transgression that moved him into the "freak" category. My favorite freak story is that of Big Penis Boy, who even got a nickname for his nickname -- BPB!
I swear this is a true story. Let me say that again and more loudly -
I swear this is a true story
I was living in a triplex, next door to two men about my age. I'd met one of them about 6 months before he asked me out. We'd talked a bit in the interim but not really a whole lot. He seemed like a nice enough guy and fairly attractive. I didn't have anything else going on so agreed. The date was fine - nothing special, nothing crazy. It was normal! Huh. Imagine that.
Two days later he stopped by my apartment to ask if he could borrow a movie I'd mentioned owning. I handed it over and went back to whatever I'd been doing. Not much time passed before I heard another knock on the door. My neighbor was standing there, VHS tape in hand (umm... remember, this is an oldie-but-goody, and times have changed since then ... DVDs existed, but lots of people didn't have DVD players yet - including me), saying that it didn't work in his machine. Could we please watch it at my house?
Lights off, movie popped in, we're sitting on the couch - about 2 feet apart. We're watching the second Harry Potter movie, and just about the time Dobby shows up (you know - not very far into the movie and not at all sexy), I get up to use the bathroom.
Minutes later, I return to the living room and he's lying on my couch butt-naked! (Proud of myself) I don't even stutter when I ask what's up, he says it's hot. True enough - it was summer, about 90 degrees, and no air conditioning. He looks at me, looks at his crotch, looks at me, and says, "I bet you've never seen one this big before, have you?" I smirk and tell him that indeed, I have seen bigger. He says he's tired, where's the bedroom? I say I'm pretty sure it's out the door and across the walkway. He stands, pulls on his shorts, and slinks out my door.
REALLY?!?! Does that actually work for men ever? I'm not complaining, of course; the BPB story has gotten lots of mileage over the years. But, really? He must have thought it would work, right? Which makes me think that it has worked for someone before.
Two days later he stopped by my apartment to ask if he could borrow a movie I'd mentioned owning. I handed it over and went back to whatever I'd been doing. Not much time passed before I heard another knock on the door. My neighbor was standing there, VHS tape in hand (umm... remember, this is an oldie-but-goody, and times have changed since then ... DVDs existed, but lots of people didn't have DVD players yet - including me), saying that it didn't work in his machine. Could we please watch it at my house?
Lights off, movie popped in, we're sitting on the couch - about 2 feet apart. We're watching the second Harry Potter movie, and just about the time Dobby shows up (you know - not very far into the movie and not at all sexy), I get up to use the bathroom.
Minutes later, I return to the living room and he's lying on my couch butt-naked! (Proud of myself) I don't even stutter when I ask what's up, he says it's hot. True enough - it was summer, about 90 degrees, and no air conditioning. He looks at me, looks at his crotch, looks at me, and says, "I bet you've never seen one this big before, have you?" I smirk and tell him that indeed, I have seen bigger. He says he's tired, where's the bedroom? I say I'm pretty sure it's out the door and across the walkway. He stands, pulls on his shorts, and slinks out my door.
REALLY?!?! Does that actually work for men ever? I'm not complaining, of course; the BPB story has gotten lots of mileage over the years. But, really? He must have thought it would work, right? Which makes me think that it has worked for someone before.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I hear it's possible to find true love on public transit
Want proof that I've been attracting freaks for ages? Let's travel back in time to college days -- more than a decade ago.
I was home for the summer, taking public transit to the mall for work. One day as the train neared my stop, a guy about my age approached. He was attractive and bold - I gave him my number as soon as he asked for it then jumped off the train, knowing he'd call that evening.
He did, and we made plans to meet up the next day. He suggested that we rendezvous outside a relatively popular downtown store. When I arrived at the appointed time, Dante was nowhere to be seen. Irritated (but certainly not devastated) that I'd been stood up, I caught the bus back home. Almost immediately after walking into the house, the phone rang. Dante wanted to know where I'd been - he'd been outside the store waiting for me; why would I stand him up? Umm... what?!? After a bit of confusion, we realized that I'd been at one location of the store and he'd been at the other.
Surely we could try again and get it right this time? Plan #2 was to meet on the top floor of the mall where I worked, in the food court and just outside the movie theater. We couldn't possibly miss each other this time, could we? We could. We did. He wasn't there. (Remember that this is pre-cell phones, so unlike today when I might text someone to say "where are you," we didn't have a mechanism for finding each other except to be at the appointed place at the appointed time.) So, I went home. And, again, the phone was ringing just moments after I walked into the house. Again, he couldn't find me - where had I been?
Now, I'm no fool. I realized that this was RIDICULOUS. And I told Dante as much. In fact, I told him that I just didn't care enough about someone I'd just met to continue to playing this stupid game. I wasn't having fun, and I was done. He begged for a third chance, arguing that "the third time's the charm." So non-fool that I am, I agreed to allow him to put in some effort to meet me, but I refused to put forth any of my own effort. It just so happened that there was a bench in the mall right outside my store. I told him what time I got off work the next day and told him that if he was sitting on that bench at that time, I'd be willing to see him. Otherwise, he could forget about it.
Guess who wasn't sitting on the bench the next day?
But guess what was ringing within minutes of me arriving at home? Bet you can't guess who was calling...
Mmmhmmm. Dante. But this time, he didn't pretend that he'd been there. Nope. This time he wanted to confess something...
The day I met him on the train, he'd been on his way to the police station. He was turning himself in to complete his sentence (something about "a couple of kilos - no big deal"). He'd been calling a friend collect and having that friend use 3-way calling to get me on the phone. THE WHOLE TIME. He wanted to see me, and he wanted to be able to meet up with me; he simply couldn't do it the traditional way. Could I maybe visit him at the jail instead?
Sigh.
I didn't go. But I confess that I did give him my address so we could correspond. He wrote me the craziest letters about how women were like popsicles. He'd tried a lot of flavors but finally found the one he liked best. I'd met him for 5 minutes. I never responded to his letters. He continued to write for at least a year. When he got out, he tried to call - over and over and over again. He finally stopped when a friend of mine made some kind of threatening "don't ever call my friend again" call to him.
Flypaper for Freaks. That's me, folks.
I was home for the summer, taking public transit to the mall for work. One day as the train neared my stop, a guy about my age approached. He was attractive and bold - I gave him my number as soon as he asked for it then jumped off the train, knowing he'd call that evening.
He did, and we made plans to meet up the next day. He suggested that we rendezvous outside a relatively popular downtown store. When I arrived at the appointed time, Dante was nowhere to be seen. Irritated (but certainly not devastated) that I'd been stood up, I caught the bus back home. Almost immediately after walking into the house, the phone rang. Dante wanted to know where I'd been - he'd been outside the store waiting for me; why would I stand him up? Umm... what?!? After a bit of confusion, we realized that I'd been at one location of the store and he'd been at the other.
Surely we could try again and get it right this time? Plan #2 was to meet on the top floor of the mall where I worked, in the food court and just outside the movie theater. We couldn't possibly miss each other this time, could we? We could. We did. He wasn't there. (Remember that this is pre-cell phones, so unlike today when I might text someone to say "where are you," we didn't have a mechanism for finding each other except to be at the appointed place at the appointed time.) So, I went home. And, again, the phone was ringing just moments after I walked into the house. Again, he couldn't find me - where had I been?
Now, I'm no fool. I realized that this was RIDICULOUS. And I told Dante as much. In fact, I told him that I just didn't care enough about someone I'd just met to continue to playing this stupid game. I wasn't having fun, and I was done. He begged for a third chance, arguing that "the third time's the charm." So non-fool that I am, I agreed to allow him to put in some effort to meet me, but I refused to put forth any of my own effort. It just so happened that there was a bench in the mall right outside my store. I told him what time I got off work the next day and told him that if he was sitting on that bench at that time, I'd be willing to see him. Otherwise, he could forget about it.
Guess who wasn't sitting on the bench the next day?
But guess what was ringing within minutes of me arriving at home? Bet you can't guess who was calling...
Mmmhmmm. Dante. But this time, he didn't pretend that he'd been there. Nope. This time he wanted to confess something...
The day I met him on the train, he'd been on his way to the police station. He was turning himself in to complete his sentence (something about "a couple of kilos - no big deal"). He'd been calling a friend collect and having that friend use 3-way calling to get me on the phone. THE WHOLE TIME. He wanted to see me, and he wanted to be able to meet up with me; he simply couldn't do it the traditional way. Could I maybe visit him at the jail instead?
Sigh.
I didn't go. But I confess that I did give him my address so we could correspond. He wrote me the craziest letters about how women were like popsicles. He'd tried a lot of flavors but finally found the one he liked best. I'd met him for 5 minutes. I never responded to his letters. He continued to write for at least a year. When he got out, he tried to call - over and over and over again. He finally stopped when a friend of mine made some kind of threatening "don't ever call my friend again" call to him.
Flypaper for Freaks. That's me, folks.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I might be long-winded, but I don't go overboard
Writing a personals ad is tricky business. I mean, let's face it - you're trying to offer an image of yourself that will make people want to get to know you better. It's a resume for dating. I have a pretty good work resume; it's relatively easy to talk about my professional successes. But personal ones? Well... that's a little trickier.
For this experiment, rule #1 says I must be honest when writing my ad. So I will not lie. And I will do my best to be true to myself. But I still don't really know how to write an ad. What should I say? Should I include a photo? Is there such a thing as oversharing? And if I don't share enough, does that mean I've lied? Is there a standard format for a dating resume? Should my ad look just like everyone else's? Should I be short and sweet? Or long and caustic? I'm beginning to see that this is HARD WORK!
I've spent a little bit of time looking at other ads on Craigslist, just to see what's out there. I've also scoured the internet for other examples. Here's what I know (in addition to following my rules):
For this experiment, rule #1 says I must be honest when writing my ad. So I will not lie. And I will do my best to be true to myself. But I still don't really know how to write an ad. What should I say? Should I include a photo? Is there such a thing as oversharing? And if I don't share enough, does that mean I've lied? Is there a standard format for a dating resume? Should my ad look just like everyone else's? Should I be short and sweet? Or long and caustic? I'm beginning to see that this is HARD WORK!
I've spent a little bit of time looking at other ads on Craigslist, just to see what's out there. I've also scoured the internet for other examples. Here's what I know (in addition to following my rules):
- I will spell everything correctly
- I will use proper grammar
- I will not sound whiny or complain about the fact that all the men are pigs or say that this is my first time posting an ad (because even though it is, I don't believe a single person who writes that in their ad)
- I will not include a photo (but if someone requests one, I'll pass it along)
Let the Games Begin
Several years ago, my place in the world crystallized for me. I'd walked into a novelty/gift store with a friend and found a display of postcards from Co-Edikit. One of them called out to me:
I'm not kidding. It was like angels singing from on high. This was absolutely what was wrong with me! I was the embodiment of flypaper for freaks. I bought the postcard, placed it in the corner of my mirror, read it every day with a knowing smile on my face, and continued to experience the phenomenon that is being flypaper for freaks. No joke.
(Note that this particular postcard - the one that has followed me across the country and back, even as I've rid myself of belongings with each move - is no longer available. It appears a t-shirt and a magnetic notepad are the only items deemed worthy of sale any longer. And they don't even have the same character on them!)
In any case, this freak magnet thing I have going on works with all people, but it's really only the men I'm concerned about here. Yup. I attract some of the freakiest men on the planet. At least, I used to. And then I started finding ways to avoid attracting men altogether. On purpose. I was so tired of the freaks that none seemed better than the clear option. Well, it was that and the fact that I couldn't seem to make myself stop vacillating between two decidedly not freaky (but certainly not perfect) men. It slowed down but didn't stop; the freaks have always found me.
And, ssssshhh -- don't tell anyone, but I think I kind of like it. The stories I can tell about these men are AMAZING! Seriously. The thing is, it's slowed down enough that I'm getting a little bored. I recycled all the stories over and over. I need some new material.
Thus, the birth of the Grand Experiment. And I'm inviting you along for the ride. Come join me - I promise it'll be fun ... and all you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy. I get stuck doing all the work!
The Goal: Gain new material for my stash of freak stories
The Methodology: Post a personals ad on Craigslist, following a few simple rules
The Hypothesis: Freaks are out there, and they're ready to pounce ... I just need to offer "permission" again.
Wondering about the simple rules? I have 4:
1) Any ad I post must be honest, a true-to-myself description. In fact, it should be an ad that I would post if I was actually trying to meet a man I'd like to date, develop a relationship with, and eventually marry. That is, it should be a serious ad. No lies. No fibs. No truth-stretching.
2) I must respond to any man who answers my ad.
3) I must continue to respond. In the e-mail stage, I must be the last person to send an e-mail - I must leave no man hanging.
4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes. (This is sort of like the rule my parents gave us before we went to our first 8th grade dance - "you must say yes when a boy asks you to dance. No exceptions." Additionally, if it seems that the online communication is dragging on and on, I must make the "ask" myself.
Of course, I'm thinking you may need some proof that I have a long history of being flypaper for freaks. So, we'll warm up with a few of the "oldies but goodies." Come along, join the fun, invite your friends.
I'm not kidding. It was like angels singing from on high. This was absolutely what was wrong with me! I was the embodiment of flypaper for freaks. I bought the postcard, placed it in the corner of my mirror, read it every day with a knowing smile on my face, and continued to experience the phenomenon that is being flypaper for freaks. No joke.
(Note that this particular postcard - the one that has followed me across the country and back, even as I've rid myself of belongings with each move - is no longer available. It appears a t-shirt and a magnetic notepad are the only items deemed worthy of sale any longer. And they don't even have the same character on them!)
In any case, this freak magnet thing I have going on works with all people, but it's really only the men I'm concerned about here. Yup. I attract some of the freakiest men on the planet. At least, I used to. And then I started finding ways to avoid attracting men altogether. On purpose. I was so tired of the freaks that none seemed better than the clear option. Well, it was that and the fact that I couldn't seem to make myself stop vacillating between two decidedly not freaky (but certainly not perfect) men. It slowed down but didn't stop; the freaks have always found me.
And, ssssshhh -- don't tell anyone, but I think I kind of like it. The stories I can tell about these men are AMAZING! Seriously. The thing is, it's slowed down enough that I'm getting a little bored. I recycled all the stories over and over. I need some new material.
Thus, the birth of the Grand Experiment. And I'm inviting you along for the ride. Come join me - I promise it'll be fun ... and all you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy. I get stuck doing all the work!
The Goal: Gain new material for my stash of freak stories
The Methodology: Post a personals ad on Craigslist, following a few simple rules
The Hypothesis: Freaks are out there, and they're ready to pounce ... I just need to offer "permission" again.
Wondering about the simple rules? I have 4:
1) Any ad I post must be honest, a true-to-myself description. In fact, it should be an ad that I would post if I was actually trying to meet a man I'd like to date, develop a relationship with, and eventually marry. That is, it should be a serious ad. No lies. No fibs. No truth-stretching.
2) I must respond to any man who answers my ad.
3) I must continue to respond. In the e-mail stage, I must be the last person to send an e-mail - I must leave no man hanging.
4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes. (This is sort of like the rule my parents gave us before we went to our first 8th grade dance - "you must say yes when a boy asks you to dance. No exceptions." Additionally, if it seems that the online communication is dragging on and on, I must make the "ask" myself.
Of course, I'm thinking you may need some proof that I have a long history of being flypaper for freaks. So, we'll warm up with a few of the "oldies but goodies." Come along, join the fun, invite your friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
