"I'm looking to meet some new people, maybe make a friend or two, and if it just so happens that I meet someone so cool I want to spend oodles of time with him, well - all the better."
But, really, I wish men wouldn't ask. It makes dating sound so calculated. Maybe that's what dating is, but the romantic in me (I admit - the romantic side of me is pretty small, but what little of it is there) wants to believe that dating shouldn't be such a game.
I just got back from meeting someone for the first time. In e-mail he described his life as "being upside down" right now. In person he told me that he's going through a divorce; he just moved out (just as in TODAY) because his soon-to-be-ex is "what you might call a husband beater." This guy seemed pretty broken. When he asked me what I'm looking for and I evaded the question, he told me he's not looking for anything deep. Fair enough, I guess, but I wonder how most people take that?
He talked and talked and talked. There were moments when he stopped himself and acknowledged that he was doing most of the talking, but it was okay with me to just listen. I wasn't attracted to him, and I can't imagine myself ever really dating him (meeting him was a date, though, wasn't it?), but sitting with him and listening to him - that I could do. And, actually, when he did ask me questions, he forced me to think about what is important to me in this whole dating thing.
Why can't I see myself with him?
Well, as I said, I'm not attracted to him. In part, that's because he's quite a bit older than me, I think. The greatest age difference between me and someone I've dated is 7 years. We were both in graduate school at the time, very much at the same point in our lives. Seven years wasn't that much then, and I don't imagine it would be that much now. Interestingly, this guy asked if the 12 year age difference bothered me; I said it doesn't. (Then he asked if I'd date someone who is 12 years younger than me, and to that I can absolutely say no.) I don't think I was lying - it's not the fact that he's older, it's that we're not at the same point in our lives. He's in the midst of a divorce; he helped raise 2 stepchildren who are in their early 20s, he's been laid off and is seeking a career change. It sounds very mid-life crisis to me.
I am not attracted to mid-life crisis.
But I listened. I listened to him tell me about the other women he's met on Craigslist. There was the one who is 34, married with 5 children, looking for an affair. There was the one who told him she was beautiful (and then gave him the name of some soap opera star, but as I don't watch soap operas, the name escaped me the moment he said it), but when he met her he "threw up a little in his mouth."
I listened to him tell me that I am "not like the other women." Why? Well ... he enjoys my e-mails; they are smart and thoughtful. I seem insightful and grounded. I have opinions and am something of a smartass. I have a good vocabulary. I mostly agree with his assessment of me. He thinks I am "worldly" because I have lived many places and can talk about many things. I want to know why that makes me special; I want to know why it isn't the case that all women share their intelligence with the world. He tells me that the average IQ is 100. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I want more women to show men they are smart. I don't want to be the only smart woman he thinks he'll meet.
On the other hand, maybe it's true. He told me that an eye condition makes it hard for him to read. His eyes get very tired, and it strains his brain. I want to believe that he really does have a condition. But he tells me that he has only read three books in his entire life. The last one was in 6th grade. He has only read three books in his entire life. His entire life! (Except textbooks, he says - which, as a laid-off mechanical engineer, it is probably true that he's read some textbooks.) He's not unintelligent. He tells me that he likes to learn new things. He reads newspapers and magazines. I can appreciate that. But no books?
I am not attracted to a dislike of reading.
Am I a bad person for that? Am I a bad person for that if he has a valid reason for not reading books? (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting that his reason is valid.)
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The average IQ is 100--that's what IQ is, the percentage you've achieved of expected development for your age, with 100 being the average for your age (which is why, by the way, it's meaning less in adults--an 8yo with a 120 IQ, meaning he's as bright as the average 9 1/2 year old, is really something, because that's a lot of development, but a 40 year old with a 150 IQ is nothing special, because there isn't a lot of brain development between 40 and 60).
ReplyDeleteThe librarian in me feels forced to comment - many boys/men don't enjoy novels, and many misguided teachers & librarians have sadly told them that not loving novels = not loving to read. Reading magazines & newspapers IS reading, and there's a chance he might enjoy listening to a well written (and well read) non-fiction audiobook.
ReplyDeleteBut as someone who reads ALL THE TIME I completely understand your point! I can't see myself with a nonreader either....