One-liners

Sometimes the men who respond to my ads baffle me.  I'll take some time crafting a statement about who I am and what makes me tick, and then I'll get a one line response.  Maybe it's a way for these men to suss out which ads are real and which are posted by bots.  But really?  One line?  That's supposed to entice me how?

They aren't even gems.  If they were witty or offbeat, I might be more inclined to give them a pass.  But they aren't.

don't act dumb just remain silent ! you sound tall?

This was in response to ad #3, so I get the "don't act dumb" part.  But be silent?  Is that akin to the old admonition that women and children ought not speak until spoken to?  No thanks.  And I sound tall?  How does someone "sound" tall?  Funny you should think so, as I stand not even 5'2" tall.  Oops.

Hi how's your evening going I know it's late just looking for someone to chat to. I'm str8 not creepy like some people out their.

Ah.  But isn't it always the case that if you have to tell someone you're not creepy, you probably are?  And are you "str8" as in not gay?  Or "str8" as in okay with how things are going?  Or some other "str8"?  The real problem, though, is that your grammar and spelling is all messed up.  I might have been a little more forgiving if only you'd taken the time to edit.  It would have taken 2 seconds.  Honest.  (Watch how easy it is.  "Hi.  How's your evening going?  I know it's late, but I'm just looking for someone to chat with.  I'm straight, not creepy like someone people out there."  See?) 

That was a cute story - Hope you find your luck.

Well, me too.  Are you hoping to be it?  Because if so, I'm going to need a little more to go off here, buddy.  A little effort?  Please?  Is that too much to ask?

Reader Response

I really do enjoy hearing from you all.  Comments on posts are good, but sometimes I hear via Facebook or e-mail.  The following came from a new (and soon-to-be loyal, I hope) reader:

Now, I'll grant that this reader just happens to be a bald man.  So, I'm not surprised he picked up on my "Unsolicited Tip #2" of dating.

And, gosh!  I sure hope I can keep up with the demand so that no one has to stop reading any time soon.

Don't forget, you can share your own story or general comments.   I'd love to hear them!

Reader Response - It's the shoes UPDATE

Well, wouldn't you know it - I've just been Google chatting with Marco.

Rest assured, he thinks his story was accurately portrayed.  But he also told me that he was thinking perhaps he should have shared some of the theories about why his date left those dang shoes on.

And he had me cracking up.  How can I not share with you?

In fact, let's all make a list - I'll start with Marco's own thoughts (or the thoughts he and his friends have compiled over the years), and then you all add to the list in the comments section.  Good plan?  Yeah, I think so too.

Without further ado,

Plausible explanations for someone not removing their shoes during sex:

1. Athlete's foot
2. Toenail fungus
3. No toes
4. Webbed feet (which, Marco says, is the preferred theory)

So have at it - let's get that list going!  I can't wait to hear what you come up with.

Don't forget, you can share your own story or general comments.   I'd love to hear them!

You're funny - want to buy my art?

So remember last night, when I was lamenting the fact that ad #4 had gotten me nowhere?  No freaks.  No interest.  No nothing?

I'm not saying that wasn't true, but I am willing to say that maybe I was a little, eensy-teensy bit, hasty.  While it is the case that almost none of the men who responded to my ad followed suit after I replied, it's not as if their original missives were without "merit." 

For example, I received the following message

Hello,

Your post was entertaining. A few parts even made me laugh. Figured I would just start a random conversation and see where things go. Starting random conversations online isn't a simple task. It's a bit hard to read people or see the person they are. But I'll put some effort into it. Since you seem like a character with some depth. 

So my name is Raphael and I have a jewelry business. I don't work with diamonds or gems. It's a kind of glass art. I hand craft all of my pendants and sell them locally at the market. Ever been there? I found out that most of the people who do visit aren't locals. I love selling my jewelry there. It's refreshing.

Anyways short intro. Maybe I'll hear from you. Or if you wanted to know more about me. You can visit my myspace page at raphaelsmyspacepage.

Cheers, Raphael

Not so bad, right?  I know, I know.  Except that he also included photos of his jewelry (including one of him wearing the jewelry). 

With captions asking if I'd maybe like to buy some.

And, of course, when someone invites me to their MySpace or Facebook page, I go.  I'm not stupid.  I know that's a good place to check out the goods.  (And let's be honest - if they give me their first and last name, I'm usually headed off to find their sites even if they don't explicitly invite me to do so.)  At first, I was irritated because Raphael's page appeared to be one big advertisement for his jewelry.  I'm not saying that he shouldn't advertise - and more power to him for getting out and following his dream.  "Way to go, Raphael," I say.  

But

Then I started browsing around in his photos.  It wasn't hard.  They're right there.  He hasn't hidden them from public view.  You'll never guess what I saw!  

Picture after picture after picture of this guy kissing women.  Different women.  All different women.

Fine.  Go ahead.  Kiss away!  But, um, you were responding to a personals ad!  Don't send me off to see photos of you smooching the whole city!

So let's recap:

When you respond to a personals ad (yes, even on CL),

1) Don't use your response as a way to advertise your wares.  At least, not your professional wares.

2) Don't send the woman you're trying to meet off to a site where she'll see loads of pictures of you making out with other women.  

Not cool.

And, well, you know me.  Not cool = not interested.

(But of course I responded, since the rules tell me to.  He never replied...)

Dry Spell

Let me be perfectly honest -

The last ad got me nowhere.  I got a ton of responses.  And I replied to every single one.  And then ... nothing!  Absolutely nothing.  They've all stopped writing to me.  No one requested that we meet.  What's going on here?

In fact, it's gotten so bad that I've already posted ad #5.  And the worst part of it?  I have had two responses.  That's it.  TWO.

Am I losing my touch?  Is the timing all wrong?  What's the problem here?