Time for some housekeeping

Some of you have been around for a while and know what this project is all about.  Others are just joining us.  And even though there's a spot over there in the sidebar (-->) to encourage new people to check out what's going on, I want to take a day to be sure everyone is on the same page.

You know, not everyone has the patience to read through the whole blog.  And you can only imagine what it would be like to stumble in here without a clue.  Ha!  The thought makes me chuckle.

And it turns out - shockingly enough - that readership is growing every single day.  I'm surprised (and, quite frankly, flattered) that you've shared the blog with your friends.  And that they are now along for the ride.  I only hope I can live up to expectations.

I only hope the CL men I meet can live up to expectations!

So, it seems that a primer for the "newbies" and a reminder for our loyal readers is in order:

1. I'm a single, 33 year old woman living in a major metropolitan area of the United States.
2.  My past is rife with meeting odd characters - "freaks," if you will.  That's true whether I'm meeting them in social or work settings.  It's just my luck.  Some think I take after my dad in that.  Others think I'm just a magnet for the bizarre.  Me?  I think I am Flypaper for Freaks.
3. Just about one year ago, I was thrust into a moment of complete and utter lunacy when I had a brainstorm - wouldn't it be hilarious to use Craigslist personals ads to meet new people and attract more freaks?  And wouldn't that make a really funny book? 
4. I believe my brilliancy struck on the morning of Easter Sunday.  I shared the idea with my family.  And the only person who thought it was a good idea was my now-sister-in-law.  Others questioned my sanity.  My mom said, "won't it be dangerous?"  My brother said, "don't you have another book idea already in the works?  How much follow through do you think you'll really have?"  (Sidenote - yes, I do have another book idea bungling around in my head, but I can't do anything about it until I get a new career.  Funny enough, it has to do with meeting odd characters in non-social settings.)  My dad ignored the whole conversation.
5. I let the idea go for several weeks, but it kept nagging at me.  I talked to a couple friends about it.  They said a book was a bad idea, but a blog?  A blog could be PERFECT!  I worried that a blog might give me away.  What if the men found it?  What if they realized what I was doing?  What if?  What if?  What if?
6. I sat on the idea for a while longer.  But I know myself.  When I get an idea, I generally have to go for it.  Especially if that idea sticks around for days, weeks, months.  So, I plunged in. 
7. I was embarrassed about going out to look for "love" on CL, and I was afraid that I might chicken out.  But, again, I know myself.  I am nothing if not a MAJOR rule follower.  So how better to harness my anxiety and ensure I follow through?  Write some rules, of course!  
8. I wrote the rules, and I wrote my first ad.  And then I waited.  (Of course, any of you who have used CL personals know that "waiting" is a bit of a misnomer - those guys swoop in immediately.  We're talking right away!  I had barely confirmed the ad before I had a response.  At first I thought I'd just gotten lucky.  Now I realize that's totally normal.)
9. By my second ad, I understood that the rules needed some adjusting AND that I needed to actually be open to meeting someone who could have potential.  It couldn't just be a game.  And as soon as I was open to that possibility, I met someone.  And I gave up the blog for 7 months.
10. He dumped me.  And now I'm back at it.  I don't have high hopes for meeting another special someone, but I've learned my lesson.  I'm open to the possibility.  Either way, the most important part of this whole project (and make no mistake - that's what this is ... a project.  Or, if you prefer, an experiment.)  It's a way for me to meet new people, marvel at the wonder of dating, and hopefully, provide a bit of humor to the world.  I trust you'll tell me if I'm not doing my job.
11. I learned that sometimes it's fun to supplement stories about the experiment with stories from my past.  It offers proof that I've always attracted "interesting" people and it provides for some material in the lag-time between a new ad and meeting the guys.

Rules, revisited (again)

With this third ad, I've been thinking I really need to revisit the rules again.

I know I said that I'd make every effort to meet each man who responds to my ads.  But the truth is - I really don't want to.  And it's not just the super creepy ones I want to avoid.  Sometimes, I want to avoid meeting the ones whose emails make me think I'll likely end up just hurting them when I tell them what I've known all along: I'm not interested.

For example, the first man to respond to ad #3 is 51 years old.  That's old enough to be my dad.  A young dad, sure - but my dad all the same.

The second response came from a man who has the same hobbies as my dad.  Seriously.  He is majorly into the Boy Scouts.  He volunteers with them in a variety of capacities.  It's the only thing he does, as he's never had a job.  He's 29.  And you know what?  He's never had a job.  You know what else?  He's written me 5 (yes, really) emails about his Eagle Scout project.  The thing about having a dad who is really into Boy Scouts is that I know a few details about the Eagle.  For example, you have to complete your project before you turn 18.  So, this guy is 29 and is still talking about his Eagle Scout project.  A LOT.  Too much, I'd say. 

Both of these men seem very nice.  Both of them are continuing to write to me, even when I've slowed down my responses to them.  Both have hinted that they'd like to meet me. 

I am quite certain I am interested in neither of them.  But both seem to be genuinely interested in knowing me much better.

I love my dad.  Really, I do.  But I am 100% certain that I do not want anyone who is nearly his age.  And I do not want someone who has his hobbies. 

I also do not have an interest in hurting these men.  So, I am thinking I ought to alter my rules.  If I am beginning to think that taking that next step of meeting them only to say, "thanks, but no thanks," maybe I shouldn't go there?  Or maybe I should try harder to ensure the first meeting happens before the emails get to a point where they are showing their hand so clearly?  It's just that I may need to rewrite the rules at some point.  Consider this your fair warning.

The fates were with me, apparently

This is surely the moment you've all been waiting for! (No, not the fact that you're getting two -count 'em, TWO- posts in one day, though I'd wager that's pretty awesome, too.) This is the unveiling of my second-ever Craiglist ad*.

Since it's been a while, I'd like to take a little bit of time to remind you of the context:

In my first ad, I followed all the rules I'd laid out for myself. I wrote an ad that I thought captured my essence fairly well. But despite the fact that I had some responses, I learned some things. Namely, it was too long. Way too long. Most CL ads are short. Really short. As in, so short that they don't actually say anything.

Personally, I think that's ludicrous.

But,

I figured that if I was going to really do this experiment correctly, I should be like all the other people posting ads on CL and not actually saying anything about myself.

So I did.

Remember, the rules state that I MUST be truthful. (I was.) They also say that I must write the ad as if I would if I wanted to actually attract someone. (I bent that rule, but trusted that you'd all understand.) If I sound like I'm stalling, I am. I find this ad pretty embarrassing. It's really not me. And I still have a hard time believing that a) I posted it, and b) it got me a 7 month relationship. Sigh.

But, without further ado:

I'm not much for fortune-telling, but...

...A friend gave me four chocolate covered fortune cookies last week. I've been eating them slowly, savoring both the chocolate and the fortunes. I ate the last one today, and its message was the same as the first:
"The current year will bring you much happiness."
The second said, "Luck is coming your way."

Are you that luck? Will you be bringing me much happiness?
----
You could be if you're like me in that you ...
+ enjoy learning new things, hearing a story, or solving a problem,
+ try not to take yourself too seriously (but sometimes you have to try REALLY, REALLY hard to succeed at that), and
+ recognize that beauty and intelligence come in many different forms.
(For those who wonder, the other fortune was "You will soon vacation in a place of cool climate" ... and given the heat of the last several days, maybe that's not such a bad thing.)

*Nope, not in Panama, either.

I wonder

Umm... what happens if one of these men turns out not to be a freak? And, what happens if I actually like one of them? I don't have any rules about that.

Quick! I need an opinion

I posted my second ad today. (And, boy, has the response been overwhelming! I've been reading/writing e-mails for about two hours ... I tell ya - this project is time consuming. It's no joke!) You'll get all the juicy goodness of the second ad when I'm done telling you all about the goodness of the first. Yes, there's MORE from the first -- be patient, my friends, be patient. Oh, and don't forget that the second ad has to expire before I can share it with you.

Anyway, I need your opinion, and I need it kind of quickly...

One of the responses to my second ad says he wants "a nice woman." I asked what that means to him. He said, "she should be honest." He also implied that if I'm not honest, I ought not continue to respond.

I'd like to oblige him.

So here's the question - is it dishonest for me to respond without telling him about my project? If so, I simply won't respond. If not, really? Is this honest?

The Rules, revisited

Remember the rules? Remember rule #4? Here it is - just in case you've forgotten:

4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes.

Well, I reserve the right to change my mind. I reserve the right to really invoke the "safety first" mantra. And I don't really care what you think about it. I will not meet someone who makes my skin crawl through e-mail.

Why, you ask? Who is the man prompting this relatively early modification to the rules? They all get nicknames, so let's call this one Creepmeister. How 'bout that? I'll give all the gory goodness - but be warned ... it'll make this post long.

His first response to my ad (in full):

Hello,I like your profile and everything you said on your profile is interesting. I'm all new to this online dating thing,anyway My Name is Creepmeister, 5.6ft man, single with no kids.its quite difficult to write about oneself when u know that others will be judging u on what u write,im just going to be simple and fly straight, im an optimistic person who has a variety of interests. I'm a down to earth guy who consider himself confident, intelligent, honest, romantic, spontaneous, caring with a big heart,easy to get along with,positive personality,passionate,good Christian with a good sense of humour.i love working,watching movies.music im open minded and fun loving,little things in life count. im drug,smoke and disease free,im not into games,as they hurt,absolutely not a time waster.I await your reply.i will be expecting your mail. this is my email address and just in case you would love to get to know more about me,you could write back to me.

Whew. What's up with the no spaces between sentences or commas? And the terrible grammar? And the off-and-on capitalization? I admit that I'm guilty of not always using proper capitalization when I'm writing e-mails to friends, but I ALWAYS use it when I'm writing to a stranger. And MOST DEFINITELY when I'm trying to impress someone. And looky there - he pointed out how difficult it is to put oneself out there for fear of being judged.

So, I didn't judge. Nope. Even though I can be quite judgmental. I didn't judge Creepmeister. I wrote him back, just like the rules told me to:

Hi Creepmeister,

Thanks for responding to my ad! I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty of writing who you are - I found writing the ad especially tough (it's the first I've ever done, and I had to spend some time thinking about it before getting it all out on "paper." I had to keep reminding myself that people judge all the time, so this isn't really all that different.) Of course there's no way you can write everything or give a complete picture, but it's a start. I'm glad you found what I wrote intriguing; I can honestly say that everything in it is accurate - if only the tip of my iceberg.

I'm also new to online dating, and beyond writing the ad, I'm not exactly sure where to go - next steps, and all that. So maybe it's right to simply respond to what you've said - certainly you've given a pretty positive picture, and one of someone I'd be interested in getting to know better.

I appreciate that you're positive ... it's something I keep trying to do a better job of myself. By nature, I'm a cynic/skeptic, and that sometimes leads me to be more of a constructive critic than a pollyanna. I'm pretty sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, and that's what I've striving towards. I'm not always great at it, but like all things... it's a work in progress!

I am a huge fan of intelligence; I find both that and confidence attractive. Love a good laugh - sounds like you might be able to provide one (or two). Movies and music ... last movie rented - Flash of Genius; last concert attended - Jill Sobule. How about you? What's next? What would you like to know? Looking forward to hearing from you again, Fly Paper

See how well I did? Inside I was judging him, but I had laid out the rules to encourage myself to be more open-minded about who I might meet. (Well, let's be honest - I created the rules so that I'd go out with everyone who expressed an interest so that I could get some good stories out of the deal.) But see how well I did? I responded so nicely. I should have gone with my first instincts. The whole "good Christian" thing was actually a red flag for me. It's not that I have anything against good Christians (or bad ones, for that matter). As a general rule, I'm not particularly religious myself but truly don't care if you are. I actually find religion pretty fascinating. I attended Catholic schools for most of K-12, and I can hang with the religious crowd. But, my experience tells me that when people lead off with religion when introducing themselves, it's a big part of their identity. And that's okay, but it's probably not going to make them a very good match for me.

And, I contend, I really should have gone with my first instincts.

Because, Creepmeister responded.

Hello Fly Paper, I am a Honest,Faithful and Down to earth Man.I say whatever i have on my mind and keep nothing as secret from Who i meet(my partner),i believe no one knows were the true love lies and in whose heart you can fine the best.I will love to give another chance which i will not like to get hurt in the process.I have been hurt in my past relationship and it still a pain in my heart,i have a son 18 years old but living with his mom while i live alone,i have been a single for 6 year and half now.i don't have either of my parents anymore I lost my mom 18 years ago through breast cancer and my dad in 2002 in a car accident along with my brother (David).I was left to live alone and learn how to depend on my self and cater for my daily needs after i was rejected and called a witch afterward cos i was the only one laft after the death of other family members this make me live Usa for England,I was born in Usa and live there till i was 37 years old,My Hobbies are Drawing,Sailing,Fishing,Hunting and Reading.I will want you to take your profile away from the site if you are interested in me i am a one Woman man and will not like to share my Woman time and thinking with another man.I will not like to change you from the way you live your life. I hope to read from you again as soon as possible.I am now residing in England but was in the states for studies which i stooped learning from 3 weeks ago..I still wish to relocate if all work better between us,My main target in a relationship is living a happy life which will benefit our long lasting relationship..Hope to hear from you again..Ask me what ever you wish to know that i have not told you in this email i will reply with Honesty ... Yours In Love, Creepmeister,

Wait a minute, Creepmeister! You're an honest man, you say? You got an 18 year old son pretty quickly! I think you wrote me the first message in which you had NO KIDS the day before you told me that your son lives with his mother. Huh. That was some quick gestation and growth he had.

And, really, can I be honest with you? Your spelling, grammar, and just general writing abililties are making it REALLY hard for me to understand what you're trying to tell me. I told you I understood the difficulty of writing who you are, but that was kind of a lie. I mean, I understand that it's hard to put yourself out there to a complete stranger, but that's it. I don't generally find it difficult to get my point across in writing. And, can I be really honest with you? The right partner for me is someone who can do the same.

Can I be even more honest with you? You're making me feel a little squirmy. Like creepy-crawlies have gotten underneath my skin. I think you're lying to me. I don't think you are who you say you are. And I think you are awfully presumptuous to tell me I should take my ad down. I don't know you! Also, I hate your farewell - please don't ever sign off "in love" again. It's really, really creepy. Because, do you remember that YOU DON'T KNOW ME??? Plus, those pictures you sent me - I don't think they are you. I mean, look at them ...

Good. Now go look in the mirror. Not the same guy, right? Yeah... I didn't think so. Also, for future reference, the pictures you sent DO NOTHING FOR ME. Next time, maybe you should choose a less creepy guy as your model. Oh, and maybe next time you should choose just a couple of pictures; no need to send FIVE.

Alright readers - you got me. I didn't write any of that to Creepmeister. I wanted to, but I was chicken. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not really all that brave. So instead, I took refuge in that part of his message that said he's now living in England. Whew! The rules don't say anything about long distance wannabe-paramours, so I figured I could make that rule up right there on the spot. Living in England? Nope - don't have to meet him. I still wanted to be nice, though:


Hi Creepmeister,

Thank you for your heartfelt and honest response. I am sorry to hear that you have experienced such loss in the past; it sounds as though you are healing well from the pain.

If I read your message correctly, you are not currently living in the United States. While I appreciate that you have found something about me intriguing, I am unfortunately not interested in beginning (or being in) a long-distance relationship at this time. I have done that before and am not interested in doing so now.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for love, though!

Yes, I know that it wasn't an honest response. I was just trying to be nice. I have that problem. Sometimes I work too hard to be nice to people who do not deserve it.

I thought that would be the end of it. I mean, I told him I wasn't interested. Right? Ha! If you think that, then you're as naive as I was ...

Hello,

How are you doing?well i so much appreciate your reply but to me distance does not matter in a relationship and am promising you that if all works out fine us i will relocate to you but we need to get to knwo eachother well first please give me ou.your phone no so i can call you.
Creepmeister.

Wait a minute! What? Ugh. My skin is crawling even as I re-read this. I responded one last time and told him in no uncertain terms (no more niceness) that I didn't really care what he thought. I did not want to get to know him. Ever.


I haven't heard from him since.

And then I modified rule #4. If a man makes me feel that way in his e-mails, then I do not have to respond to him. I do not have to meet him. Even if he doesn't live in England. And I do not have to feel bad about it. And it's okay if it means I have lost a good story. Safety first should mean just that. So rule #4 is more of a suggestion. It just is.

I might be long-winded, but I don't go overboard

Writing a personals ad is tricky business. I mean, let's face it - you're trying to offer an image of yourself that will make people want to get to know you better. It's a resume for dating. I have a pretty good work resume; it's relatively easy to talk about my professional successes. But personal ones? Well... that's a little trickier.

For this experiment, rule #1 says I must be honest when writing my ad. So I will not lie. And I will do my best to be true to myself. But I still don't really know how to write an ad. What should I say? Should I include a photo? Is there such a thing as oversharing? And if I don't share enough, does that mean I've lied? Is there a standard format for a dating resume? Should my ad look just like everyone else's? Should I be short and sweet? Or long and caustic? I'm beginning to see that this is HARD WORK!

I've spent a little bit of time looking at other ads on Craigslist, just to see what's out there. I've also scoured the internet for other examples. Here's what I know (in addition to following my rules):

• I will spell everything correctly
• I will use proper grammar
• I will not sound whiny or complain about the fact that all the men are pigs or say that this is my first time posting an ad (because even though it is, I don't believe a single person who writes that in their ad)
• I will not include a photo (but if someone requests one, I'll pass it along)

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, I will not write a book outlining the perfect man. He doesn't exist. And I am not looking for him. I will most certainly not get caught up in the drama that this man did when he wrote his ad. And if this process ever does get me to the point of being that crazy, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make me stop. Immediately.

Let the Games Begin

Several years ago, my place in the world crystallized for me. I'd walked into a novelty/gift store with a friend and found a display of postcards from Co-Edikit. One of them called out to me:


I'm not kidding. It was like angels singing from on high. This was absolutely what was wrong with me! I was the embodiment of flypaper for freaks. I bought the postcard, placed it in the corner of my mirror, read it every day with a knowing smile on my face, and continued to experience the phenomenon that is being flypaper for freaks. No joke.

(Note that this particular postcard - the one that has followed me across the country and back, even as I've rid myself of belongings with each move - is no longer available. It appears a t-shirt and a magnetic notepad are the only items deemed worthy of sale any longer. And they don't even have the same character on them!)

In any case, this freak magnet thing I have going on works with all people, but it's really only the men I'm concerned about here. Yup. I attract some of the freakiest men on the planet. At least, I used to. And then I started finding ways to avoid attracting men altogether. On purpose. I was so tired of the freaks that none seemed better than the clear option. Well, it was that and the fact that I couldn't seem to make myself stop vacillating between two decidedly not freaky (but certainly not perfect) men. It slowed down but didn't stop; the freaks have always found me.

And, ssssshhh -- don't tell anyone, but I think I kind of like it. The stories I can tell about these men are AMAZING! Seriously. The thing is, it's slowed down enough that I'm getting a little bored. I recycled all the stories over and over. I need some new material.

Thus, the birth of the Grand Experiment. And I'm inviting you along for the ride. Come join me - I promise it'll be fun ... and all you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy. I get stuck doing all the work!

The Goal: Gain new material for my stash of freak stories
The Methodology: Post a personals ad on Craigslist, following a few simple rules
The Hypothesis: Freaks are out there, and they're ready to pounce ... I just need to offer "permission" again.

Wondering about the simple rules? I have 4:
1) Any ad I post must be honest, a true-to-myself description. In fact, it should be an ad that I would post if I was actually trying to meet a man I'd like to date, develop a relationship with, and eventually marry. That is, it should be a serious ad. No lies. No fibs. No truth-stretching.
2) I must respond to any man who answers my ad.
3) I must continue to respond. In the e-mail stage, I must be the last person to send an e-mail - I must leave no man hanging.
4) When (if?) they ask to meet, I must say yes. In a public place. Far away from my home. And telling someone where I am and who I believe I will be with at all times. Safety first, sure. But I must say yes. (This is sort of like the rule my parents gave us before we went to our first 8th grade dance - "you must say yes when a boy asks you to dance. No exceptions." Additionally, if it seems that the online communication is dragging on and on, I must make the "ask" myself.

Of course, I'm thinking you may need some proof that I have a long history of being flypaper for freaks. So, we'll warm up with a few of the "oldies but goodies." Come along, join the fun, invite your friends.