He didn't follow me home, did he? (Part 2)

Okay - I get it.  Someone is anxious for the second half of this story.  So I'm going to share it.  And then I'm going to take a hiatus.  I started this project for something to do.  I thought it would be interesting.  I thought it might be fun.  I thought I might learn something. 

It has been interesting.
At times, it has been fun.
I have definitely learned some things.

But it has also been exhausting, burdensome, and a little bit scary.
And now it is more of those things than it is fun. 
It is still interesting.  And I am still learning things, but they are lessons I'd rather keep hidden under rocks in many cases. 
So if it is not the good kind of interesting, if it is no longer fun, and if I am learning about the underbelly of things I'd rather not see, then I need to take a break.  Perhaps I will come back to it someday.  But for now, I just need to move away from unearthing the things that make me angry, sad, or worried. 

In fact, I need to relearn the lesson that it is okay to like people.  I need to relearn the lesson that not all people are freaky or crazy or scary.  I need to relearn that there are some really fantastic people out there.  Continuing this project is not helping me to do that.

And maybe this story will help to illustrate why.  So without further ado,

We left off with this man whose name I don't even know - he signed his emails with one but introduced himself as another when we met.  I asked which was accurate or which he preferred, and he said either.  I suspect neither is his real name and that he was confused about which he had been using for our written communication. 

Maybe he uses one for his "casual encounters" and one for his "women for men" responses?  That's where we'd left him, right?  He asked which type of ad I'd posted?  Well, it turns out that he not only responds to ads in both sections, but he himself actually posts in both the no-strings attached "casual" section and the "men for women" section.  When he posts for NSA meetings, he is typically looking for either a woman or a couple.  He is typically looking to satisfy his oral fixation. 

And did you know that people actually respond?  Who knew?

With just a little bit of prompting from me (in the form of a question along the lines of "do you get responses?"), he launched into a description of one of the encounters he had.  And now I'm going to share it with you.  In all its glory, leaving no details out.  It will likely make you sick.  And you will likely understand why I need a break.

My date (let's call him Two-Name) received a response from Husband, asking if Two-Name could meet Husband and Wife for coffee one day soon.  Wife would not know that the meeting was a set up - it would seem like a random encounter.  Husband wanted Two-Name to have coffee with them, which would lead to him being invited to tag along wherever they were next headed.  Husband would then expect that Two-Name would grope his wife and "try to get in her pants" while Husband watched.  Two-Name agreed to meet them.  He agreed to do this.

So they have coffee.  And then they drive about 30 minutes south of the city in Husband and Wife's car (so, Two-Name is not so smart about personal safety, but that's a different issue).  They get to their destination which I think (but am not sure) is the couple's house.  Husband nods to Two-Name to indicate that he should start groping.  Two-Name does.  Wife resists, but Two-Name continues.  Husband is watching and begins to touch himself.  He also indicates to Two-Name that he should "try to get in her pants."  Two-Name does.  Wife asks Husband if he is going to stop this guy from touching her.  Husband says, "No, Baby."  And he tells Two-Name to continue.  Two-Name overpowers Wife and has sex with her.  Husband is watching.  Husband is masturbating.  Husband and Two-Name finish at about the same time.

Husband drives Two-Name back to the city while Wife stays behind.  In the car, Husband pulls out an assault rifle and tells Two-Name that this will never happen again.  It was a one-time thing.  Two-Name agrees.  And the one smart thing he does in all of it is refuse when Husband calls two weeks later to say that Wife now understands the whole thing was a set up and she's "totally into Two-Name now and wants to do it again."

So let's recap - I went out on a date with a man who agreed to rape another man's wife while the man got off on watching it happen.  And the only thing that bothered him about it was that, in the end, the husband pulled a gun on him.

I cannot do it anymore.

He didn't follow me home, did he? (Part 1)

No.  He didn't.  I know that because I looked back over my shoulder ever 2-3 seconds just to make sure.  I kind of thought he might. 

Last night I had a date.  A date that is so full of freaky goodness that I don't know how I can possibly write about all if it in one post.  The post would be pages and pages long.  So it's going to have to come in parts.  Even now, as I rethink the date, I'm shaking my head and wondering if I should really continue on with this blog.  I'm all about entertaining myself (and you, of course) with this project.  But whoa.  Sometimes the brakes need to be applied.  Last night I was pretty sure this is the time for that.  This morning I'm a little less sure. 

I might need some pretty solid encouragement to soldier on, though.

First things first,
This guy (who needs a nickname ... I don't have one yet - any ideas?) responded to my totally and completely innocuous ad:

Hi I don't know if I'm in the right section but I have an oral fixation to pleasure women no questions asked, but I'm tired of looking for just that one thing and would like something more in the long term. I don't drink or smoke or do any drugs, I work part time and currently looking for more work, I also volunteer at the food bank, how about you what do you do and what kind music are you into?

An oral fixation?  Eewww.  And, um, no!  You are NOT in the right section.  

But, you know the rules.  And you know me and following the rules.  I replied.

I'm pretty sure you aren't in the right section - or, maybe you are but it'd be best to not lead off with the whole oral fixation part.  That's especially true if you're looking for something more long term.  So, since you say you're looking for more than "just that one thing," tell me something about what you do want ... what do you hope to find here on CL?

And he responded with a nice email, thanking me for being honest with him.  And the email banter continued a bit.  He completely dropped the "I have an oral fixation" thing.  In fact, by the time he asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee and a movie, I'd forgotten all about the fact that he was the one who'd said that to me.  

That was a mistake.  A big, big mistake.

Obviously.

And maybe I should have been clued into that when, right after I agreed to meet him, he sent me photos of himself, including one of his bare torso which made it look like he was maybe fully naked.  He also reminded me that he wasn't trying to "get into my pants."  But since we had gotten to a pretty clear "we're just going out to see if friendship might be a good route for us" point and since he didn't send me the penis shot (I hate when they do that), I figured it was just his stock of photos.  And I didn't mind too much.

So we meet up.  The plan is to have a cup of coffee and then head across the street to the discount theatre to see Shutter Island. Neither of us had seen it yet.  I've seen the previews and thought it would be creepy scary.  I'm a little unsure if seeing a movie like that with a first date is a good idea, but I'm open.  This whole project is about being open.

He's on time.  

He's acting a little nervous, but I've learned that is to be expected.  Just because I can generally meet new people without feeling anxious doesn't mean everyone can.  And it certainly seems to be the case that CL responders are of the more nervous variety.  It makes sense - for most of them, they are using this method because they are uncomfortable in social situations.

Still, he seems especially nervous.

He takes AGES to answer a question.  And he seems to think and think and think before doing so.  I know that's a good thing sometimes.  But in this case?  It just seemed like he was trying to fabricate a truth.  For example, "where did you grow up?" garnered a

Shifty eyes.  Several ums.  A few deep breaths.  And the name of a city not stated but given in a lilting question.  

Uh huh.  I believe you're from there.  Yep.  I sure do...  Wink wink. 

In any case, he jumped right into the conversation.  Perhaps a little too far too quickly.  He skipped over all of the niceties and went straight for the "how often do you meet people this way" and "tell me about the weirdest ones."

I'm game for letting these meetings go where the guy wants (within reason, of course) because I figure it gives me much better fodder.  Also, on a more practical dating level, it tells me something about what's important to them without them having to voice it.  In fact, for that reason, I've started to believe that letting a first date go wherever the man takes it is a good tool in general dating.

So I told him about the bald guy.  I didn't tell the whole story, but I offered up the juicy bits.  And he acted appropriately horrified.  So while I knew I wasn't at all -even remotely- attracted to this guy, and while I was finding that I needed to be really patient with his speaking style, I was beginning to think that he might be a nice enough guy to consider as a new friend.  Maybe.  The thought flitted across my mind.

And then he started to tell me about his "weird" dating stories.  But the problem is that in each case, the freaky party was him.  And he knew it!  So I revised my friend theory ... realizing that this guy is a little slow on the uptake all the way around, and I don't have the patience to build a new friendship with someone like that.

Still, we continue on with the date.  

He asks me if the ad he responded to was in the "Casual Encounters" section or the "Women for Men" section.

Excuse me?!?

Oh no!  

First of all - people actually respond to the sex ads?  I mean, real people actually post there and real people actually respond and real people actually meet?!?!  

Second - how on earth could you possibly think it's a good idea to meet up with someone and NOT REMEMBER IF YOU MET THEM IN THE CASUAL ENCOUNTERS SECTION OR THE WOMEN FOR MEN SECTION??

That's a serious question.

And my blood pressure has just gone up thinking about it.  I need a break.  I'll be back later with the rest of the story.

It's not you, it's me (part 2 of 2)

The thing about offering general dating tips (unsolicited or not) is that they are just that - general.  It's the kind of advice that might help you get your foot in the door but won't necessarily let you keep it there.

I'm okay with that.

I am not someone who thinks that people ought to change who they for another person.  I might not believe in full disclosure on the first date, but I do think there's a time and place for being open and honest with your partner.  But see there?  Did you notice that word "partner"?  That's the key.  There's a time and place for everything.  And in my mind, the time and place of a first date means putting your best foot forward - do what you can to make a good first impression.  But be yourself.

I believe in the tips I offered yesterday, and I believe that a man can be himself and follow the advice simultaneously.

Doing so won't mean that he gets a second date, but at least then he'll know it's simply a matter of incompatibility, as opposed to a matter of his shyness or baldness or whatever else he blamed it on:

Flypaper, 

I enjoyed meeting you, although I fear that may have not been the impression I gave.  You're witness to 41 years of shyness.  It's something I've been working on -- during the 1990s I used to drink...a lot (I don't now) and was able to handle social situations with a bit more ease.  Now I have no crutches to fall back on.

Of course first impressions make a huge difference, and I know (and have been told by people) that I don't always make a good first impression, which does make it difficult to proceed to a second meeting.  I do warm up to people, it just takes a bit of time.

I'm sure I'm breaking every single dating rule out there by admitting to my own failings, rather than playing up my strengths.  However, I like to operate from a place of honesty.

All that said, I would like to meet up again.  I can understand any reluctance on your part or even if you aren't interested in a second meeting.  

Sincerely,

Mr. Insecure

Ignoring the fact that I knew before I ever met him that it wasn't going to go any further than this first meeting, none of the things he thinks were a problem for me actually were.  

Remember how he was 15 minutes late?

That's a major no-no in my book, but I don't think I'm unusual in that.  And since he apologized immediately, I was willing to be a little forgiving.  At least, I was willing to inquire as to his reasons for the tardiness.

What happened?

I always get lost when I drive in the city.

Oh?  How long have you lived here?

All my life.

Really?  You've lived in this city for 41 years, and you don't know how to get to the intersection of a major street and a numbered avenue?  Sigh.

Hmm.  Where about do you live?

Oh, not too far, it turns out.  I live over near [a major shopping mall].

Aarrgh!  Really?!?  The shopping mall he lives near is a STRAIGHT SHOT.  Honestly, he needed to drive down one VERY major numbered avenue that the mall sits upon and turn left on the major street the coffee shop sits on.  And then he needed to drive about 50 blocks.  That's it.  But, I was feeling charitable, so I was willing to be open to the idea that someone could get lost.  Okay - not really.  But I was willing to try.   

I couldn't find one of the streets on my google maps directions. 

This confused me, of course, since there shouldn't have been any reason to drive on any obscure street.  Regardless, I asked him which street he'd had trouble with.

It was a street called "See-zer Chay-vez"?  Or something like that?

Pronounced just like that.  I was done.  Done.  Absolutely, without question, done.  Really?  There were so many things wrong.  Allow me to point out the most egregious: 

1) He didn't seem to know that Cesar Chavez was a person.  Forget that he couldn't pronounce it.  He didn't even seem to know "what" a Cesar Chavez is.  Cultural competency is important to me.  Okay, so you don't know about the United Farm Workers.  Or you don't know about the "Uvas, No!" campaign.  How do you not know he's a person?  And, really?  How do you not know who he is?  I guess it's okay if you don't, but I can promise you that means you aren't the one for me.  Without some modicum of cultural competency, I'm simply not interested.

2) The street name change was recent - a major numbered avenue became "Cesar Chavez" not that long ago.  This was really, really controversial in our city.  You had to be living under a rock to not know that.  I'm not attracted to ignorance of local news.



It only got better from there.  The one question he asked me in the 45 minutes we spent together was where I work.  I work at a college.  I peddle education for a living.  That's what I do.

He told me that he thought about going to law school at the college where I work.  He didn't do it because he never finished college.  He started.  He was working on his AA degree, but he quit when the math was too hard.  You know, math is hard and boring and not really good for anything.

I have a bachelors degree in mathematics.  (Unsolicited Tip: Know your audience.)

He told me he quit college because he didn't want to have to work that hard.  He didn't figure it was worth it.  Because, you know,

Education isn't that important.

I work at a college.  I work in education.  It is my life's work.  It is probably my greatest passion  (Unsolicited Tip: Really - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Now, I know myself well enough to know that I can be pretty critical.  And I know enough to say that if you honestly think education is not important, then I probably think you're not very bright.  But I also know you have a right to your opinion.  And you have a right to share it.

I'm glad this guy did share his opinion.  It solidified everything I'd been thinking.
He's not for me.
I'm not for him.

It's not you, it's me (part 1 of 2)

Last week I went out with a guy from my third ad, and I've been trying to figure out how to describe all the things that went wrong in one post.  I can't do it.  I just don't know how.

You see, this guy is nice enough.  He writes well enough.  And I suppose he could be a good catch for someone else.

He has some pretty serious confidence issues, and I really do think that if he is able to get those under control, then he just might find his soulmate.  Well, he might find someone who'd be thrilled to get to know him better, date him, and maybe even become his third wife.  (Yeah - third wife.  How is it that these guys can find more than one woman to marry them, and I can't even find one measly guy who wants to spend more than a few months with me?  Huh?  I keep telling myself it's because I have standards, but sometimes I wonder.)


The thing is, most of the things that he thinks are his major issues can be alleviated with a few strategic changes.  I'm not talking about fundamentally changing oneself for another; I'm talking about changes someone can make so they can feel better about themselves.  I'm talking about the kinds of changes we sometimes ought to make for ourselves.  I'm talking about the easy things.

We had been emailing for awhile with no photos exchanged yet, when he started telling me about his online dating history:

My experience with CL has not been very positive.  All too often I'll strike up a conversation with someone only to have the other person stop corresponding with me, for no apparent reason.  In other instances the reason is clear as to why the person has stopped corresponding: it will happen immediately after I exchange photographs.  At my age we men fight a battle with genetics, and the battlefield is our hairlines.  Which is a very long-winded way for me to say I'm losing my hair.  Apparently most women want men with a full head of hair.

He didn't send a photo along with that message, but he did with the next.  And he sent it saying "I've attached my own photo with my forehead exposed to the world!"

The truth is, I don't care about the balding thing.  Maybe some women do, but I figure it's a fact of life for some men.  What bothers me is when men have an issue with the fact that they're balding, and they lament it.  And they blame their own issues with losing their hair on women.  The photo he sent really did have his forehead exposed to the world; it was front-and-center in the photo, with lights bouncing off it.  

After we met, this guy sent me an email expressing his certainty that he hadn't made a good impression and asking for a second shot.  I told him that I knew he wasn't the one for me (and, moreover, that I know I'm not the one for him).  I also told him that if he was interested, I had a few tips I thought might help as he goes on to meet other women.  I told him that I wouldn't share them unsolicited, but if he was interested, I'd be happy to send them along.

He never responded.  But that doesn't mean I can't help the rest of mankind.

Unsolicited Tip #1: If you have problems with your bald head, don't make it the focal point of your photo.  Don't hide it under a hat, or anything, but can't you find something about your face/head that you do like, and let that be the central theme?  I'll see that you're bald, but I'll be paying attention to your smile or your eyes, or the goofy expression you're making.

Unsolicited Tip #2: If you're bald (and we're talking NOTHING on top), go Mr. Clean on the world.  Please, please, please don't let the hair you do have left grow.  Don't do the ponytail thing.  It screams, "I'm insecure about the fact that I've lost the hair on top of my head!"  Be confident.  Don't rely on hair for your strength.  Embrace your baldness.  Please.

But you know, I have my own insecurities with how I look, so who am I to say?  Maybe his bald head is like my calves.  I almost exclusively wear pants because my genetics gave me enormously wide calves.  I don't like them, so I try not to impose on others by wearing skirts or dresses.  Maybe it's the same thing?  Maybe his ponytail = my pants?

Still, the hair is just the beginning of the things he could do better.  I'd gotten to the coffee shop a little early because I was hungry and wanted to eat something.  I read my book while eating a sandwich and sipping on my tea.  By the time he was supposed to have arrived, I laid my book down and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  He was 15 minutes late.  In fact, I was just packing up my stuff to leave when he finally arrived.

Unsolicited Tip #3: Be on time.  Leave extra early if you have to.  But be on time.  Unless you KNOW that the woman you're meeting doesn't have an issue with tardiness, be on time.

Unsolicited Tip #4: And please Please PLEASE wear clothes that fit.  And that are clean.  A ratty, holey t-shirt that is two sizes too big doesn't make a good impression.  Ever.  You don't have to dress up for me, especially if we're meeting in a coffee shop, but be presentable. 

So the first impressions were obviously not so hot.  I'm willing to give someone a chance.  I'm willing to let him sit down, open his mouth, and share something really amazing with me.  I can be open-minded.  I can have a conversation.  However, I interview people for my job, and the last thing I want is for my dates to feel like my work.

Unsolicited Tip #5: Talk WITH me, not at me.  Ask me some questions.  Have a conversation.  Don't make me interview you.  

While I'm good at asking questions, I find that if I'm not really into a guy and he's not asking me about myself, I'm not so good at divulging.  So when I'm not super excited about what I'm hearing or feeling, I really only want to carry my share of the load by inquiring after his life.  I don't open up entirely about my own unless he asks.  And, well, it turns out that most men don't seem to ask all that much.  They also don't seem to know how to filter their own thoughts.  Oh, how I wish men learned to filter themselves.

Unsolicited Tip #6: If you're telling me about where you live and this is your first date, censor yourself before you share that you live with your first ex-wife.  If you insist that honesty is your "thing," then go ahead and tell me that but -really- listen to the sirens going off in your head before you tell me that you have to live with her because you got kicked out of your last apartment by roommates who accused you of putting porn on their computers.  I don't care if you swear you didn't do it.  Don't tell me about it.  Not on the first date.  Probably not on the second or third, either.  Keep it to yourself.  Shhh....  

See?  These are easy things to change.  And they aren't about changing who he is fundamentally.  They'd just give him a little more confidence.  And, maybe, a shot at a second date.


But not with me.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - I'll be sharing why even taking these tips to heart just weren't going to cut it.

In this business, a little cyberstalking is always in order

It's a safety thing.

At least, that's how I justify it to myself.  And, honestly - if they give me their full name, they've got to know that I'm going to google them.  And probably look them up on Facebook.  And if they don't know that, well - then they aren't following any kind of "safety first" rules, are they? 

Anyway, if they respond to one of my ads and they share their full name, I'm looking them up.  Unless I find out something really bad about them, it's not going to prevent me from continuing on, meeting them, and being open to finding true love.  Honest!  Okay, it won't prevent me from meeting them.  But true love?  That only comes every so often, and while I've learned my lesson about poo-pooing everyone on CL, I do have my limits.

For example, I received a pretty nice response from a guy who said he liked the "attitude and spirit that came through" in my post.  He was short and sweet and to the point in his first message, and of course, I responded.  The rules say I have to, but I probably would have even if the rules gave me some leeway.  We swapped a few more emails and ultimately decided we'd meet up just a few short days after I first posted my ad.  Unlike most men, this one never sent a photo.  So, in addition to wanting to be sure I wasn't about to meet a serial rapist, my google/FB search was also image reconnaissance.

Sidebar - I have some rules about posting my dates' photos - I won't do it.  Unless one of the following is true: 
1) They know about the blog and have given permission (not likely, I know).
2) I am totally and completely convinced that the photos they've sent are fake (prime example here).
3) They've posted the photo in a public venue (or publicly on their Facebook page), and I've doctored it up so you can't see any identifying features.  

I'm sorry to say that my FB search for this man, who seemed like he might be a nice guy, turned up some sketchy photos.  Photos of him and some much younger women, partying in a hot tub.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to partying in hot tubs.  I am, however, opposed to 40-something men posting photos of themselves in hot tubs with bikini-clad drunk girls who are clearly half their age.  I admit that I am even more opposed to said men posting photos of themselves being crowned by these girls' wet locks.

Yes, that's her hair.  Ick.

But, by the time I'd found this photo, I had already agreed to meet this man (who, by the way, makes a living as a karaoke DJ - who knew that was possible?  Come on!  Raise your hand if you thought it was possible to make a living at that for more than a decade!) that very evening.  Okay, okay - maybe I should have known before I'd ever cyberstalked him; maybe I should have known by the place he picked.  When I looked the bar up online to get the address, there were photos after photos after photos of people pulling up their shirts and showing off their chests.  Sigh.

Anyway, I showed up.  And so did he.  And we talked for an hour and a half or so.  Well, he talked for an hour and a half or so.  He asked me ONE question about myself.  I counted.  One.  But, he told me all kinds of things.  Too many things, and too many kinds of things:

I'm OCD and ADD, and I took a 700 point evaluation and got diagnosed with depression.  But the medicine helps.  When I take it.

I had a head explosion when I decided I couldn't take my last "girlfriend" (he used air quotes - I swear!) f***ing other men.  She told me she was dating more than just me, and I pretended I was okay with it.  But I'm a really jealous guy.  I can't handle it.  It made me crazy, so I read her email and found all these messages where she was telling them what a great f*** they were.  And I had a head a explosion.

Ugh.  You know, these are probably good things to tell someone you're dating.  But not on the first date.

Too much information.

Would you believe that the next day I had an email from him asking if I'd like to go out again?  AND - maybe I'd like to go camping with him?  Really?!?

What are you looking for?

Twice now I've been asked what I'm looking for. Once in e-mail (I haven't yet responded to that question) and once in person (I evaded the question). I don't want to lie (plus, the rules don't permit it), but I also don't want to say, "Well, you know I'm looking for a crazy story to share." So what should I say? I think I've landed on


"I'm looking to meet some new people, maybe make a friend or two, and if it just so happens that I meet someone so cool I want to spend oodles of time with him, well - all the better."

But, really, I wish men wouldn't ask. It makes dating sound so calculated. Maybe that's what dating is, but the romantic in me (I admit - the romantic side of me is pretty small, but what little of it is there) wants to believe that dating shouldn't be such a game.

I just got back from meeting someone for the first time. In e-mail he described his life as "being upside down" right now. In person he told me that he's going through a divorce; he just moved out (just as in TODAY) because his soon-to-be-ex is "what you might call a husband beater." This guy seemed pretty broken. When he asked me what I'm looking for and I evaded the question, he told me he's not looking for anything deep. Fair enough, I guess, but I wonder how most people take that?

He talked and talked and talked. There were moments when he stopped himself and acknowledged that he was doing most of the talking, but it was okay with me to just listen. I wasn't attracted to him, and I can't imagine myself ever really dating him (meeting him was a date, though, wasn't it?), but sitting with him and listening to him - that I could do. And, actually, when he did ask me questions, he forced me to think about what is important to me in this whole dating thing.

Why can't I see myself with him?

Well, as I said, I'm not attracted to him. In part, that's because he's quite a bit older than me, I think. The greatest age difference between me and someone I've dated is 7 years. We were both in graduate school at the time, very much at the same point in our lives. Seven years wasn't that much then, and I don't imagine it would be that much now. Interestingly, this guy asked if the 12 year age difference bothered me; I said it doesn't. (Then he asked if I'd date someone who is 12 years younger than me, and to that I can absolutely say no.) I don't think I was lying - it's not the fact that he's older, it's that we're not at the same point in our lives. He's in the midst of a divorce; he helped raise 2 stepchildren who are in their early 20s, he's been laid off and is seeking a career change. It sounds very mid-life crisis to me.

I am not attracted to mid-life crisis.

But I listened. I listened to him tell me about the other women he's met on Craigslist. There was the one who is 34, married with 5 children, looking for an affair. There was the one who told him she was beautiful (and then gave him the name of some soap opera star, but as I don't watch soap operas, the name escaped me the moment he said it), but when he met her he "threw up a little in his mouth."

I listened to him tell me that I am "not like the other women." Why? Well ... he enjoys my e-mails; they are smart and thoughtful. I seem insightful and grounded. I have opinions and am something of a smartass. I have a good vocabulary. I mostly agree with his assessment of me. He thinks I am "worldly" because I have lived many places and can talk about many things. I want to know why that makes me special; I want to know why it isn't the case that all women share their intelligence with the world. He tells me that the average IQ is 100. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that I want more women to show men they are smart. I don't want to be the only smart woman he thinks he'll meet.

On the other hand, maybe it's true. He told me that an eye condition makes it hard for him to read. His eyes get very tired, and it strains his brain. I want to believe that he really does have a condition. But he tells me that he has only read three books in his entire life. The last one was in 6th grade. He has only read three books in his entire life. His entire life! (Except textbooks, he says - which, as a laid-off mechanical engineer, it is probably true that he's read some textbooks.) He's not unintelligent. He tells me that he likes to learn new things. He reads newspapers and magazines. I can appreciate that. But no books?

I am not attracted to a dislike of reading.

Am I a bad person for that? Am I a bad person for that if he has a valid reason for not reading books? (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting that his reason is valid.)

Apparently I wasn't his cup of hot chocolate

My first face-to-face meeting this go-around was actually with the last guy to respond to my first CL ad. I'm quickly learning that everyone has their own ideas about how this process should look. There are guys who respond to ads with long, thoughtful e-mails who never seem to move past that step; there are guys who want to spend some time in the give-and-take phase, using e-mail or phone conversations before ever meeting; and there are the guys who'd rather minimize the conversation at the front end just get to meeting you already.

This guy is in the final category. Short and sweet messages were the norm from "Math Geek":

Hi there, I'm not exactly sure if we would be a good match but I thought to try anyway. I posted my own ad with a couple of pictures. Let me know if you're interested :)

So, rule-follower that I am, I knew I had to respond. I followed the link to his ad to learn that he
1) used to be in the Navy,
2) is working on his masters degree in mathematics, and
3) he thinks he's handsome (photos confirm that he's a pretty good looking guy).

I think - "Hey! We have something in common - I have a degree in math." He calls himself smart but not a bookworm. Me too! I know my ad isn't perfect, but what the heck makes him wonder if we're a good match or not? I mean, really! Who wouldn't think I'm a great catch? Ahem.

So I respond and asked what it is that makes him unsure.

It wasn't that I seemed unsure by what you had written, but you didn't have a picture attached with your ad so I was leaving that question up to you. Do you have a picture?

Oh right. He wants to know what I look like. Of course. That's reasonable. I send him a photo. He says I seem cute and asks me to call or text him. But I don't actually know his name, and there's something about calling someone who's name I don't know that doesn't set well with me. Call it a quirk, but it's just not going to happen. I tell him that and give him my number. He texts within hours. And we make plans to meet within the hour. Whew! That was quick!

It's an easy meet - we're going to have coffee/tea/hot chocolate at the bookstore midway between our homes. (Or ... midway between the general areas where we've told each other we live.)

Short and sweet. We say hello. We order drinks (I get chai; he gets hot chocolate because he gave up coffee for tea, then tea for hot chocolate). We sit down. I start the conversation. I ask him about school. I ask about his research (it's math - I know math; I could follow him if he wanted to share. He doesn't.) 10 minutes later, he asks me what my plans are for the rest of the day. I don't really have any and ask his. He's headed to Target to buy Drano for his clogged sink. Apparently, he's doing that right now. As in, immediately. He stands, limply shakes my hand, and tells me it was nice to meet me.

Fastest date in the world! And it's cool, since I wasn't really feeling him either - and maybe you really can know something like that in 10 minutes. But sheesh! Let me get through more than half of my drink, why don't you? And I know I didn't say anything offensive because I hardly said anything at all. Oh well. One down. How many to go?