Tread carefully

Just tread carefully.  That's all I'm saying.

Two replies into an email correspondence with one guy had him asking what kind of date with me would be totally unique.  I admit that I danced around the question a bit.  I can be creative sometimes, but mostly in a totally controlled environment. 

If someone I know well had asked me that question, I could have offered a wide variety of options. Every one of them, though, makes me very uncomfortable to think of doing with one of these CL men.  For example, the last unique "date" I went on (with my ex-boyfriend shortly after he'd become an ex -- is that still a date?) involved a drive (1 hour and 20 minutes), a hike (1.5 miles), and a soak in a natural hot spring (clothing optional).

Fun date.  We had a great time. 

Even though it was freezing cold.  Literally.  The ground was frozen solid, and the earlier rain had turned turned to slush when it hit the trails.

Even though I slipped and fell face-first on the way back down.  Even though I was then covered chest-to-toe in very cold mud for the final half of the hike AND all the way back to his place. 

We had a great time.  And it was unique.


Even with all of that, I would never suggest such a thing to someone I've just met.  I'm just a little too afraid that they might say, "Hey - that sounds like fun!  Let's try it."

I don't want to try it with them.  The drive alone would terrify me.  An hour and a half (give or take) in a car with a stranger, heading further and further out of civilization?  No thanks!  Then the hike?  Even with other people on the trail, it's still the big-bad-woods.  Hiking is cool.  I enjoy it.  I like being out in the middle of the forest.  But not with someone I don't know.  And a hot springs soak?  At a clothing optional place?  Even if I'm donning a bathing suit, I don't want to be around a bunch of nudies with a man I've just met.  Too many ideas could be floating around his noggin.  Way too may ideas for my comfort.

Safety first.  Safety first says DO NOT ANSWER A QUESTION LIKE THAT IF YOU THINK HE MIGHT SUGGEST DOING WHATEVER YOU'VE MENTIONED IN YOUR RESPONSE.

So I totally and completely danced around the question.  Instead, I said something along the lines of trying something new, doing something that might make you look like a fool but it's okay because everyone involved knows it's the first time you've done it.

Dumb.  I know.  I get it.  But I was thinking about my safety.

I do, however, know how to play the game.  So I said, "what about you?"

And, well, here's where I think these men ought to tread lightly:

So an unique date huh? What would be something unique for you and I then? Are you a massage person? Would that stretch you? Or would that be a boundary issue... Just throwing ideas out.

Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  That is MOST DEFINITELY a boundary issue.  We have never met.  Never.  Ever.  We don't know each other.  Yes, it would stretch me to consider having a date with you in which we are massaging each other. 

Sigh.

Small frustrations

Why don't people read?  (I ask this question EVERY SINGLE DAY in my job, but I'm asking it here, too.)

Why don't men read?

I sent an email to one of these guys who's been asking if I can meet him soon.  I told him that I have plans on Monday and Tuesday night this week.

He responded with

Let me know what nights this week you are free.

If I explicitly say that I am not free on Monday and Tuesday, then that means I am available on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, right?  Right?

That's what I thought.

Read.  Please.  Just read.  Or, you know, not reading = not interested.

On the road

I am out of town this week, traveling for work.  That's not unusual for me, so I don't have any problem telling my ad responders that I'm happy to continue emailing with them this week but certainly can't meet up with them.  It's just a normal part of my life to be hanging out in a hotel room for a few days. 

Two men have responded to this news in ways I find a little bizarre:

First,

So how does a 33 year old end up with a job that allows her travel all the time?

Well.  Is it that unusual for someone my age to have a job in which I spend a few weeks a year on the road?  Am I crazy for thinking that's fairly normal?  And what does my age have to do with that?  There are women in my office who are 22 and women who are in their 50s.  We all travel.  Is it really that strange?

Second, an email from someone who's been hanging around since the third ad (the 29 year old who's never had a job),

This week will be filled with looking for work, finding some places to volunteer, and hoping to schedule meeting you. Like to be productive and this week shall be just that.

Enjoying your large bed?

Okay, I'm glad to hear that he's looking for a job.  Nice to know that he wants to volunteer as well.  Those things can both take time.  But is it really going to take that much time to schedule a meeting with me?  I mean, if not for this blog, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even bother, but given the rules, I'm pretty easy!  As long as I'm in town and not working, I'm going to say yes.  Sure, he doesn't know that, but I can pretty much guarantee it's not going to take much time to schedule a meeting with me.

More importantly, eeewwww!  Gross! 

Am I enjoying my large bed? 

Okay, it's true that my hotel room sports a king, and I guess he could assume that.  But it could also be the case that I'm in a room with two queens.  Also, what does he think I sleep on at home?  It's not like my bed at home is a twin. 

More importantly, what am I supposed to do with that question?  It just makes my skin crawl.  Ick.

Repeats

I posted a fourth ad today.  I know I haven't completely closed out Ad #3 (and I'm going out of town for a week, so the timing is probably really terrible), but can I help that I'm a little bored with it?  I really need to rewrite the rules so that I can move forward in a way that feels right to me but doesn't make me feel guilty for not following them.

I am a rule follower.

I can't help it.  I've always been a rule follower.  It doesn't matter who writes the rules - even if I write them for myself, I have a compulsion to follow them.  So I know that I need to rewrite them, but I'd like for them to be good.  I'd like for them to not have to be revisited again.  So I'm mulling them over in my head. 

For now, I am feeling guilty for not following the rules perfectly.  (Guilt.  That's what years and years of Catholic school will get you.)

Anyway, I posted the fourth ad and have already had several responses.  Of course.  These men are quick.

One of the responses seemed awfully familiar.  Despite the fact that Ad #3 and Ad #4 are dramatically different from one another, the response seemed similar.  You know why?

Response from "Daddy" (which, by the way, is reason enough to say no thanks) to Ad #3:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

(Yes, he used that bold, italic font.) Response from Daddy to Ad #4:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

Notice anything? 

Yeah, I saw that too.

It's not you, it's me (part 2 of 2)

The thing about offering general dating tips (unsolicited or not) is that they are just that - general.  It's the kind of advice that might help you get your foot in the door but won't necessarily let you keep it there.

I'm okay with that.

I am not someone who thinks that people ought to change who they for another person.  I might not believe in full disclosure on the first date, but I do think there's a time and place for being open and honest with your partner.  But see there?  Did you notice that word "partner"?  That's the key.  There's a time and place for everything.  And in my mind, the time and place of a first date means putting your best foot forward - do what you can to make a good first impression.  But be yourself.

I believe in the tips I offered yesterday, and I believe that a man can be himself and follow the advice simultaneously.

Doing so won't mean that he gets a second date, but at least then he'll know it's simply a matter of incompatibility, as opposed to a matter of his shyness or baldness or whatever else he blamed it on:

Flypaper, 

I enjoyed meeting you, although I fear that may have not been the impression I gave.  You're witness to 41 years of shyness.  It's something I've been working on -- during the 1990s I used to drink...a lot (I don't now) and was able to handle social situations with a bit more ease.  Now I have no crutches to fall back on.

Of course first impressions make a huge difference, and I know (and have been told by people) that I don't always make a good first impression, which does make it difficult to proceed to a second meeting.  I do warm up to people, it just takes a bit of time.

I'm sure I'm breaking every single dating rule out there by admitting to my own failings, rather than playing up my strengths.  However, I like to operate from a place of honesty.

All that said, I would like to meet up again.  I can understand any reluctance on your part or even if you aren't interested in a second meeting.  

Sincerely,

Mr. Insecure

Ignoring the fact that I knew before I ever met him that it wasn't going to go any further than this first meeting, none of the things he thinks were a problem for me actually were.  

Remember how he was 15 minutes late?

That's a major no-no in my book, but I don't think I'm unusual in that.  And since he apologized immediately, I was willing to be a little forgiving.  At least, I was willing to inquire as to his reasons for the tardiness.

What happened?

I always get lost when I drive in the city.

Oh?  How long have you lived here?

All my life.

Really?  You've lived in this city for 41 years, and you don't know how to get to the intersection of a major street and a numbered avenue?  Sigh.

Hmm.  Where about do you live?

Oh, not too far, it turns out.  I live over near [a major shopping mall].

Aarrgh!  Really?!?  The shopping mall he lives near is a STRAIGHT SHOT.  Honestly, he needed to drive down one VERY major numbered avenue that the mall sits upon and turn left on the major street the coffee shop sits on.  And then he needed to drive about 50 blocks.  That's it.  But, I was feeling charitable, so I was willing to be open to the idea that someone could get lost.  Okay - not really.  But I was willing to try.   

I couldn't find one of the streets on my google maps directions. 

This confused me, of course, since there shouldn't have been any reason to drive on any obscure street.  Regardless, I asked him which street he'd had trouble with.

It was a street called "See-zer Chay-vez"?  Or something like that?

Pronounced just like that.  I was done.  Done.  Absolutely, without question, done.  Really?  There were so many things wrong.  Allow me to point out the most egregious: 

1) He didn't seem to know that Cesar Chavez was a person.  Forget that he couldn't pronounce it.  He didn't even seem to know "what" a Cesar Chavez is.  Cultural competency is important to me.  Okay, so you don't know about the United Farm Workers.  Or you don't know about the "Uvas, No!" campaign.  How do you not know he's a person?  And, really?  How do you not know who he is?  I guess it's okay if you don't, but I can promise you that means you aren't the one for me.  Without some modicum of cultural competency, I'm simply not interested.

2) The street name change was recent - a major numbered avenue became "Cesar Chavez" not that long ago.  This was really, really controversial in our city.  You had to be living under a rock to not know that.  I'm not attracted to ignorance of local news.



It only got better from there.  The one question he asked me in the 45 minutes we spent together was where I work.  I work at a college.  I peddle education for a living.  That's what I do.

He told me that he thought about going to law school at the college where I work.  He didn't do it because he never finished college.  He started.  He was working on his AA degree, but he quit when the math was too hard.  You know, math is hard and boring and not really good for anything.

I have a bachelors degree in mathematics.  (Unsolicited Tip: Know your audience.)

He told me he quit college because he didn't want to have to work that hard.  He didn't figure it was worth it.  Because, you know,

Education isn't that important.

I work at a college.  I work in education.  It is my life's work.  It is probably my greatest passion  (Unsolicited Tip: Really - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Now, I know myself well enough to know that I can be pretty critical.  And I know enough to say that if you honestly think education is not important, then I probably think you're not very bright.  But I also know you have a right to your opinion.  And you have a right to share it.

I'm glad this guy did share his opinion.  It solidified everything I'd been thinking.
He's not for me.
I'm not for him.

It's not you, it's me (part 1 of 2)

Last week I went out with a guy from my third ad, and I've been trying to figure out how to describe all the things that went wrong in one post.  I can't do it.  I just don't know how.

You see, this guy is nice enough.  He writes well enough.  And I suppose he could be a good catch for someone else.

He has some pretty serious confidence issues, and I really do think that if he is able to get those under control, then he just might find his soulmate.  Well, he might find someone who'd be thrilled to get to know him better, date him, and maybe even become his third wife.  (Yeah - third wife.  How is it that these guys can find more than one woman to marry them, and I can't even find one measly guy who wants to spend more than a few months with me?  Huh?  I keep telling myself it's because I have standards, but sometimes I wonder.)


The thing is, most of the things that he thinks are his major issues can be alleviated with a few strategic changes.  I'm not talking about fundamentally changing oneself for another; I'm talking about changes someone can make so they can feel better about themselves.  I'm talking about the kinds of changes we sometimes ought to make for ourselves.  I'm talking about the easy things.

We had been emailing for awhile with no photos exchanged yet, when he started telling me about his online dating history:

My experience with CL has not been very positive.  All too often I'll strike up a conversation with someone only to have the other person stop corresponding with me, for no apparent reason.  In other instances the reason is clear as to why the person has stopped corresponding: it will happen immediately after I exchange photographs.  At my age we men fight a battle with genetics, and the battlefield is our hairlines.  Which is a very long-winded way for me to say I'm losing my hair.  Apparently most women want men with a full head of hair.

He didn't send a photo along with that message, but he did with the next.  And he sent it saying "I've attached my own photo with my forehead exposed to the world!"

The truth is, I don't care about the balding thing.  Maybe some women do, but I figure it's a fact of life for some men.  What bothers me is when men have an issue with the fact that they're balding, and they lament it.  And they blame their own issues with losing their hair on women.  The photo he sent really did have his forehead exposed to the world; it was front-and-center in the photo, with lights bouncing off it.  

After we met, this guy sent me an email expressing his certainty that he hadn't made a good impression and asking for a second shot.  I told him that I knew he wasn't the one for me (and, moreover, that I know I'm not the one for him).  I also told him that if he was interested, I had a few tips I thought might help as he goes on to meet other women.  I told him that I wouldn't share them unsolicited, but if he was interested, I'd be happy to send them along.

He never responded.  But that doesn't mean I can't help the rest of mankind.

Unsolicited Tip #1: If you have problems with your bald head, don't make it the focal point of your photo.  Don't hide it under a hat, or anything, but can't you find something about your face/head that you do like, and let that be the central theme?  I'll see that you're bald, but I'll be paying attention to your smile or your eyes, or the goofy expression you're making.

Unsolicited Tip #2: If you're bald (and we're talking NOTHING on top), go Mr. Clean on the world.  Please, please, please don't let the hair you do have left grow.  Don't do the ponytail thing.  It screams, "I'm insecure about the fact that I've lost the hair on top of my head!"  Be confident.  Don't rely on hair for your strength.  Embrace your baldness.  Please.

But you know, I have my own insecurities with how I look, so who am I to say?  Maybe his bald head is like my calves.  I almost exclusively wear pants because my genetics gave me enormously wide calves.  I don't like them, so I try not to impose on others by wearing skirts or dresses.  Maybe it's the same thing?  Maybe his ponytail = my pants?

Still, the hair is just the beginning of the things he could do better.  I'd gotten to the coffee shop a little early because I was hungry and wanted to eat something.  I read my book while eating a sandwich and sipping on my tea.  By the time he was supposed to have arrived, I laid my book down and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  He was 15 minutes late.  In fact, I was just packing up my stuff to leave when he finally arrived.

Unsolicited Tip #3: Be on time.  Leave extra early if you have to.  But be on time.  Unless you KNOW that the woman you're meeting doesn't have an issue with tardiness, be on time.

Unsolicited Tip #4: And please Please PLEASE wear clothes that fit.  And that are clean.  A ratty, holey t-shirt that is two sizes too big doesn't make a good impression.  Ever.  You don't have to dress up for me, especially if we're meeting in a coffee shop, but be presentable. 

So the first impressions were obviously not so hot.  I'm willing to give someone a chance.  I'm willing to let him sit down, open his mouth, and share something really amazing with me.  I can be open-minded.  I can have a conversation.  However, I interview people for my job, and the last thing I want is for my dates to feel like my work.

Unsolicited Tip #5: Talk WITH me, not at me.  Ask me some questions.  Have a conversation.  Don't make me interview you.  

While I'm good at asking questions, I find that if I'm not really into a guy and he's not asking me about myself, I'm not so good at divulging.  So when I'm not super excited about what I'm hearing or feeling, I really only want to carry my share of the load by inquiring after his life.  I don't open up entirely about my own unless he asks.  And, well, it turns out that most men don't seem to ask all that much.  They also don't seem to know how to filter their own thoughts.  Oh, how I wish men learned to filter themselves.

Unsolicited Tip #6: If you're telling me about where you live and this is your first date, censor yourself before you share that you live with your first ex-wife.  If you insist that honesty is your "thing," then go ahead and tell me that but -really- listen to the sirens going off in your head before you tell me that you have to live with her because you got kicked out of your last apartment by roommates who accused you of putting porn on their computers.  I don't care if you swear you didn't do it.  Don't tell me about it.  Not on the first date.  Probably not on the second or third, either.  Keep it to yourself.  Shhh....  

See?  These are easy things to change.  And they aren't about changing who he is fundamentally.  They'd just give him a little more confidence.  And, maybe, a shot at a second date.


But not with me.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - I'll be sharing why even taking these tips to heart just weren't going to cut it.

Rules, revisited (again)

With this third ad, I've been thinking I really need to revisit the rules again.

I know I said that I'd make every effort to meet each man who responds to my ads.  But the truth is - I really don't want to.  And it's not just the super creepy ones I want to avoid.  Sometimes, I want to avoid meeting the ones whose emails make me think I'll likely end up just hurting them when I tell them what I've known all along: I'm not interested.

For example, the first man to respond to ad #3 is 51 years old.  That's old enough to be my dad.  A young dad, sure - but my dad all the same.

The second response came from a man who has the same hobbies as my dad.  Seriously.  He is majorly into the Boy Scouts.  He volunteers with them in a variety of capacities.  It's the only thing he does, as he's never had a job.  He's 29.  And you know what?  He's never had a job.  You know what else?  He's written me 5 (yes, really) emails about his Eagle Scout project.  The thing about having a dad who is really into Boy Scouts is that I know a few details about the Eagle.  For example, you have to complete your project before you turn 18.  So, this guy is 29 and is still talking about his Eagle Scout project.  A LOT.  Too much, I'd say. 

Both of these men seem very nice.  Both of them are continuing to write to me, even when I've slowed down my responses to them.  Both have hinted that they'd like to meet me. 

I am quite certain I am interested in neither of them.  But both seem to be genuinely interested in knowing me much better.

I love my dad.  Really, I do.  But I am 100% certain that I do not want anyone who is nearly his age.  And I do not want someone who has his hobbies. 

I also do not have an interest in hurting these men.  So, I am thinking I ought to alter my rules.  If I am beginning to think that taking that next step of meeting them only to say, "thanks, but no thanks," maybe I shouldn't go there?  Or maybe I should try harder to ensure the first meeting happens before the emails get to a point where they are showing their hand so clearly?  It's just that I may need to rewrite the rules at some point.  Consider this your fair warning.

Reader Response

We have a potential answer ... it appears that if I want to know about things like "360," I need to be reading more Cosmo or something. 

What do you think?  Is this the 360 to which Tim referred?  Or are there other suggestions out there?

1 more acceptable reason to post a photo on this blog

I know those three reasons I posted yesterday seemed like the only acceptable methods/reasons for posting a photo, but I'm pretty sure I've got another that you'll agree is also just fine.

My third ad prompted a response from a young man wondering if he might be my "Dream Guy on CL":

Cutie, 

 

I hope you had a great night.  See my pic attached and I'd like to make love to you.

Cheers
Tim

P.S.  I'm 5"10; 160pds, with athletic body. 25yrs old. 

First, I'm not your "cutie" (and you never even saw my photo, so how can you be so sure?)
Second, I don't want to "make love to you."  And what would possess you to think that would get me interested in you?

But, of course, the rules say I have to respond. So, I did:

Tim,

I had a fine night.  I'm irritated that you'd call me "cutie" without knowing me -- or even knowing if I'm "cute."  But I feel a little bad for you .. that you're so certain you'd like to make love to me, without knowing the first thing about me.  That's not really my style.

Can you believe he responded?  He did!  And it gets worse ... (and it's R-rated, so if you aren't comfortable with that, STOP RIGHT HERE!)

I really do appreciate your response.  Sometimes lives just get me too excited, and sometimes even you have days when just got to have it:).  So, in case that day comes, feel free to email me and I'll sweep you off your feet and make you my goddess in bed.  If you have girlfriends that are as horny as I am and aren't getting any, feel free to pass my email to them with my pic.  I love pleasure [licking, sucking, and 360 are my favorites] and age, color, body type is not that important to me.

Sincerely,
Tim

I don't think of myself as that naive, but I wasn't at all sure I entirely understood him.  So, I looked "360" up on urbandictionary.com and came up short.  If you can clue me in, please do.  I think.  Maybe I don't really want to know?


But more to the point, as I read this last exchange, I'm getting the message that Tim (yes, that's his real name) wants me to pass along his photo.  Which makes me think it's okay to post it here (reason #4).  So, to all my "girlfriends" out there, feast your eyes on Tim:

First, if you want an unadulterated photo and his email address, let me know - he'd be pleased to hear from you, I'm sure.


Second, I know for certain that this is, in fact, Tim.  I cyberstalked him.  I know where he works.  And he has an official workplace photo featured prominently both on their site and on LinkedIn.  It's him, though he does seem a little more "plasticky" in this photo.  I almost sent a copy of his messages along to the manager at his company, but I decided that might not be a nice thing to do.  Was that wrong?

In this business, a little cyberstalking is always in order

It's a safety thing.

At least, that's how I justify it to myself.  And, honestly - if they give me their full name, they've got to know that I'm going to google them.  And probably look them up on Facebook.  And if they don't know that, well - then they aren't following any kind of "safety first" rules, are they? 

Anyway, if they respond to one of my ads and they share their full name, I'm looking them up.  Unless I find out something really bad about them, it's not going to prevent me from continuing on, meeting them, and being open to finding true love.  Honest!  Okay, it won't prevent me from meeting them.  But true love?  That only comes every so often, and while I've learned my lesson about poo-pooing everyone on CL, I do have my limits.

For example, I received a pretty nice response from a guy who said he liked the "attitude and spirit that came through" in my post.  He was short and sweet and to the point in his first message, and of course, I responded.  The rules say I have to, but I probably would have even if the rules gave me some leeway.  We swapped a few more emails and ultimately decided we'd meet up just a few short days after I first posted my ad.  Unlike most men, this one never sent a photo.  So, in addition to wanting to be sure I wasn't about to meet a serial rapist, my google/FB search was also image reconnaissance.

Sidebar - I have some rules about posting my dates' photos - I won't do it.  Unless one of the following is true: 
1) They know about the blog and have given permission (not likely, I know).
2) I am totally and completely convinced that the photos they've sent are fake (prime example here).
3) They've posted the photo in a public venue (or publicly on their Facebook page), and I've doctored it up so you can't see any identifying features.  

I'm sorry to say that my FB search for this man, who seemed like he might be a nice guy, turned up some sketchy photos.  Photos of him and some much younger women, partying in a hot tub.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to partying in hot tubs.  I am, however, opposed to 40-something men posting photos of themselves in hot tubs with bikini-clad drunk girls who are clearly half their age.  I admit that I am even more opposed to said men posting photos of themselves being crowned by these girls' wet locks.

Yes, that's her hair.  Ick.

But, by the time I'd found this photo, I had already agreed to meet this man (who, by the way, makes a living as a karaoke DJ - who knew that was possible?  Come on!  Raise your hand if you thought it was possible to make a living at that for more than a decade!) that very evening.  Okay, okay - maybe I should have known before I'd ever cyberstalked him; maybe I should have known by the place he picked.  When I looked the bar up online to get the address, there were photos after photos after photos of people pulling up their shirts and showing off their chests.  Sigh.

Anyway, I showed up.  And so did he.  And we talked for an hour and a half or so.  Well, he talked for an hour and a half or so.  He asked me ONE question about myself.  I counted.  One.  But, he told me all kinds of things.  Too many things, and too many kinds of things:

I'm OCD and ADD, and I took a 700 point evaluation and got diagnosed with depression.  But the medicine helps.  When I take it.

I had a head explosion when I decided I couldn't take my last "girlfriend" (he used air quotes - I swear!) f***ing other men.  She told me she was dating more than just me, and I pretended I was okay with it.  But I'm a really jealous guy.  I can't handle it.  It made me crazy, so I read her email and found all these messages where she was telling them what a great f*** they were.  And I had a head a explosion.

Ugh.  You know, these are probably good things to tell someone you're dating.  But not on the first date.

Too much information.

Would you believe that the next day I had an email from him asking if I'd like to go out again?  AND - maybe I'd like to go camping with him?  Really?!?

Ad #3

Here it is, the third ad. I posted this a little more than a week ago, and already I've had a couple of first meetings and am still in email conversations with a few other men. Now that the ad has expired, I can share it with you:

Today was a good day...
...so I figure I'll push my luck and post here tonight. I've done this a few times before, and I'll be honest - my hopes were never very high, but the last time I posted I met someone special. We spent several good months together before amicably deciding to go our separate ways. Maybe it's crazy of me to think I might be so lucky in love on CL twice, but I'm also open to being less skeptical about the possibility.

I'll share the basics now, and if they whet your appetite, please respond - after that, we'll see where it goes. Sound good?

I am...
...naturally a homebody but trying hard to get out a bit more -- to explore my hometown, to find new hobbies, to learn new people, to taste the wares of new restaurants. I'm not afraid or disinclined to do so myself, but it's a whole lot more fun with someone else. I'd be thrilled to find someone who wants to join me.
...educated, opinionated, and rarely afraid to share my thoughts. Some have told me this can be intimidating. My dad once told me I should "act dumb if [I] ever want to get married." Well, maybe someday I'd like to find a life partner, but I sure don't want someone who'd need me to act any particular way to attract him. If you're a good fit for me, you're bright and want a woman who is the same. (Oh, and, you spell correctly and use proper grammar when you respond to my message. I know it's picky, but it's always been a pet peeve of mine, and first impressions count for something in my world.)
...not a skinny-minny and probably never will be. I work out pretty regularly, but try as I might to change, I remain full-figured. I'm okay with that; you will be, too. In fact, you might even prefer it that way.

Like what you read so far? Send me a message telling me something about you and ask a question or two. Let's chat.

I wish they didn't need to ask

With this third ad, a couple of the guys have responded by asking me if I have a problem with them not being white. (Shut up! I don't want to hear what all of you who know me and my dating history are thinking. It's not relevant to my point.) It makes me sad that they need to ask. It makes me sad that they feel they need to ask. It makes me wonder what has happened to them in the past. I asked one. He said that until he started asking the question, there was only one time when the woman he was emailing/chatting with (and, by the way, seeming to get along with) didn't stop all communication right after they exchanged photos. He told me that at first he just thought they weren't attracted to him. Then he started to think that maybe it was because he's not white. So he started telling the women that he's Indian and asking if they mind. He says that only two women out of about 25 have told him they don't care. Two women? Really? And one of them is just trying to write a blog. I hate that he has to ask. I hate that he feels he needs to. I hate that it matters to people. And I hate that I'm still surprised by it.

I also desperately wish that women would be honest with themselves and in their ads if it does matter to them.

I'm exhausted!

Okay, I know I shouldn't complain because I brought this all on myself. This was all my idea, and no one is forcing me to get back to it (not to say there haven't been some pretty LOUD requests).

But, sheesh!


Why didn't someone remind me this blog is a lot of work? I know you all aren't seeing it yet.

I swear - I've got at least a dozen oldies-but-goodies composing themselves in my head. And I really do want to share them with you. And I've got all those stories from the second ad still ready to go.

But the point of the blog is to find new stories, and that means posting an ad. And, as you know, I did that on Friday night.

So far, I've had 10 responses. Count them - 10!

And I've been following the rules and responding to each of them. And then they write back. And so I do the same. It takes hours. Hours upon hours. Someone forgot to remind me of that. Someone forgot to say, "Hey, Flypaper, you're crazy! Don't do it! You don't have time for this!"

In fact, it is taking so much time just to respond to the messages that I don't have time to actually meet anyone. (Or maybe I'm just hesitant to do so because the first person to both respond to the ad and to request a meet-up is old enough to be my father? I admit it. I'm shallow enough to want to change the rules again ... just so I don't have to go on a date with someone nearly 20 years my senior. I haven't decided yet if I will change the rules, but man!)

And, by the way, this new ad that is causing all the angst? Well, it turns out that it captures me pretty well. I was a little worried that it might not, but ... I got a call yesterday from my ex-boyfriend (yep, the one who responded to ad #2). That call went something like this:

Hey Flypaper, I saw your ad on Craigslist yesterday.

What?!? What ad? I didn't post any ad.

Hmm... Well, if it wasn't you, you've got a doppelganger out there who IS JUST LIKE YOU.

Yep, must be my doppelganger. She's the evil one - posting ads all over the internet. Hey! What are you doing looking at CL ads, anyway?

I'm allowed to look. We broke up, remember? And, I used to look all the time. I took a break for the 7 months we were together, but I can look now. But, honestly? I was looking to see if you posted or not. I knew you would. I could tell it was you in the first couple of seconds.

Yeah, whatever. It's for the blog. (Remember that I told him about this project almost immediately - we had a couple of email exchanges and then we started chatting online. I told him in that very first conversation because I knew I liked him, and I wanted to be upfront from the start.)

Mmhmm. Keep telling yourself that. It's not for the blog - it was a REAL ad. You wrote an ad that's REALLY about you. It was honest. That's NOT for the blog.

Sigh. He still doesn't really get the concept of this blog. And he still thinks that the ad that snagged him (ad #2, the one that I find pretty embarrassing) did not work. He still says that the fact it got him is a fluke. AND that he wasn't what I was looking for. Whatever. He'll never understand this project. And that's okay. But does he really have to go looking for my ads on CL?

Color me red from blushing too hard.

Back in the Saddle Again!

Happy Saturday! Today's the day it's safe to tell all your friends we're back in business here at Flypaper for Freaks.

This past week my colleagues and I have been spending a lot of time together. And I do mean A LOT. As in nearly all day every day. And while the work we were doing required that we be diligent, it also allowed for plenty of time to talk. By Thursday, our newest colleague said,

Flypaper, tell us a funny story.

Well, you know me - I have a bunch of them. So can you believe I drew a blank? And had to ask for some guidance?


Why, Newest Colleague, whatever would you like that story to be about?

(I just pictured myself saying that with a southern accent while batting my eyelids, even though that's NOT AT ALL how it happened.)

I've got to say, Newest Colleague wasn't particularly helpful in offering a general topic, but my boss (yes, my boss) suggested that I tell her the story of the "naked guy." That would be Big Penis Boy, for those of you who've forgotten. And, well, it turns out that BPB was just the beginning. Boss-lady then suggested that I regale them all with the story of Dante. And then I was on a roll. In fact, my dear friendly readers,

I remembered stories that had been buried deep within my subconscious.
Stories I didn't even remember when I was starting this blog last summer.
Stories that serve only two purposes in life:

1) confirmation that I really, truly am Flypaper for Freaks, and
2) gut-busting hilarity to share with the world.

Apparently, that's all I needed to get myself back on track. I posted my third w4m Craigslist ad* last night. I still believe that I have to see one ad through to completion before I post on here, just in case one of the men has cyber-stalking skills equal to mine (which, by the way, aren't that great, but I would totally take part of any ad I was responding to and run it through google before hitting "send." I would hate for one of them to do that ... it would blow my cover!), but I can tell you that I've already received several responses. I can tell you're excited!

* No, you won't find my ad by clicking on this link. I don't live in Minneapolis. That whole not-blowing-my-cover thing, you know. But check out the ads! They're funny, I promise.