One-liners

Sometimes the men who respond to my ads baffle me.  I'll take some time crafting a statement about who I am and what makes me tick, and then I'll get a one line response.  Maybe it's a way for these men to suss out which ads are real and which are posted by bots.  But really?  One line?  That's supposed to entice me how?

They aren't even gems.  If they were witty or offbeat, I might be more inclined to give them a pass.  But they aren't.

don't act dumb just remain silent ! you sound tall?

This was in response to ad #3, so I get the "don't act dumb" part.  But be silent?  Is that akin to the old admonition that women and children ought not speak until spoken to?  No thanks.  And I sound tall?  How does someone "sound" tall?  Funny you should think so, as I stand not even 5'2" tall.  Oops.

Hi how's your evening going I know it's late just looking for someone to chat to. I'm str8 not creepy like some people out their.

Ah.  But isn't it always the case that if you have to tell someone you're not creepy, you probably are?  And are you "str8" as in not gay?  Or "str8" as in okay with how things are going?  Or some other "str8"?  The real problem, though, is that your grammar and spelling is all messed up.  I might have been a little more forgiving if only you'd taken the time to edit.  It would have taken 2 seconds.  Honest.  (Watch how easy it is.  "Hi.  How's your evening going?  I know it's late, but I'm just looking for someone to chat with.  I'm straight, not creepy like someone people out there."  See?) 

That was a cute story - Hope you find your luck.

Well, me too.  Are you hoping to be it?  Because if so, I'm going to need a little more to go off here, buddy.  A little effort?  Please?  Is that too much to ask?

Reader Response

I really do enjoy hearing from you all.  Comments on posts are good, but sometimes I hear via Facebook or e-mail.  The following came from a new (and soon-to-be loyal, I hope) reader:

Now, I'll grant that this reader just happens to be a bald man.  So, I'm not surprised he picked up on my "Unsolicited Tip #2" of dating.

And, gosh!  I sure hope I can keep up with the demand so that no one has to stop reading any time soon.

Don't forget, you can share your own story or general comments.   I'd love to hear them!

Reader Response - It's the shoes UPDATE

Well, wouldn't you know it - I've just been Google chatting with Marco.

Rest assured, he thinks his story was accurately portrayed.  But he also told me that he was thinking perhaps he should have shared some of the theories about why his date left those dang shoes on.

And he had me cracking up.  How can I not share with you?

In fact, let's all make a list - I'll start with Marco's own thoughts (or the thoughts he and his friends have compiled over the years), and then you all add to the list in the comments section.  Good plan?  Yeah, I think so too.

Without further ado,

Plausible explanations for someone not removing their shoes during sex:

1. Athlete's foot
2. Toenail fungus
3. No toes
4. Webbed feet (which, Marco says, is the preferred theory)

So have at it - let's get that list going!  I can't wait to hear what you come up with.

Don't forget, you can share your own story or general comments.   I'd love to hear them!

You're funny - want to buy my art?

So remember last night, when I was lamenting the fact that ad #4 had gotten me nowhere?  No freaks.  No interest.  No nothing?

I'm not saying that wasn't true, but I am willing to say that maybe I was a little, eensy-teensy bit, hasty.  While it is the case that almost none of the men who responded to my ad followed suit after I replied, it's not as if their original missives were without "merit." 

For example, I received the following message

Hello,

Your post was entertaining. A few parts even made me laugh. Figured I would just start a random conversation and see where things go. Starting random conversations online isn't a simple task. It's a bit hard to read people or see the person they are. But I'll put some effort into it. Since you seem like a character with some depth. 

So my name is Raphael and I have a jewelry business. I don't work with diamonds or gems. It's a kind of glass art. I hand craft all of my pendants and sell them locally at the market. Ever been there? I found out that most of the people who do visit aren't locals. I love selling my jewelry there. It's refreshing.

Anyways short intro. Maybe I'll hear from you. Or if you wanted to know more about me. You can visit my myspace page at raphaelsmyspacepage.

Cheers, Raphael

Not so bad, right?  I know, I know.  Except that he also included photos of his jewelry (including one of him wearing the jewelry). 

With captions asking if I'd maybe like to buy some.

And, of course, when someone invites me to their MySpace or Facebook page, I go.  I'm not stupid.  I know that's a good place to check out the goods.  (And let's be honest - if they give me their first and last name, I'm usually headed off to find their sites even if they don't explicitly invite me to do so.)  At first, I was irritated because Raphael's page appeared to be one big advertisement for his jewelry.  I'm not saying that he shouldn't advertise - and more power to him for getting out and following his dream.  "Way to go, Raphael," I say.  

But

Then I started browsing around in his photos.  It wasn't hard.  They're right there.  He hasn't hidden them from public view.  You'll never guess what I saw!  

Picture after picture after picture of this guy kissing women.  Different women.  All different women.

Fine.  Go ahead.  Kiss away!  But, um, you were responding to a personals ad!  Don't send me off to see photos of you smooching the whole city!

So let's recap:

When you respond to a personals ad (yes, even on CL),

1) Don't use your response as a way to advertise your wares.  At least, not your professional wares.

2) Don't send the woman you're trying to meet off to a site where she'll see loads of pictures of you making out with other women.  

Not cool.

And, well, you know me.  Not cool = not interested.

(But of course I responded, since the rules tell me to.  He never replied...)

Dry Spell

Let me be perfectly honest -

The last ad got me nowhere.  I got a ton of responses.  And I replied to every single one.  And then ... nothing!  Absolutely nothing.  They've all stopped writing to me.  No one requested that we meet.  What's going on here?

In fact, it's gotten so bad that I've already posted ad #5.  And the worst part of it?  I have had two responses.  That's it.  TWO.

Am I losing my touch?  Is the timing all wrong?  What's the problem here?

Reader Story - It's the shoes

You all voted last week, and you've led me to believe that sometimes you'd like to hear each others' stories.  Who am I to deny you the opportunity to learn about freaks who plague more than just poor little old me?  No one, that's who.

And wouldn't you know it?  I've just received a new reader story that I can't help but share.  Just.  As in just yesterday.  It's THAT good.


So, to set the stage:
Our reader-friend was a college senior.  He was interested in dating but hadn't found what he was looking for (maybe partly because he was into slightly older men) on his campus.  Off to the internet he went.  It wasn't CL, but some other service that offered him a wider array of options.  On the night of our story, our reader (let's call him Marco for the sake of ease) was meeting up for the first time with a man from one of these online sites.

They met downtown for dinner and drinks.  Marco's date arrived straight from work, wearing a suit and seeming to be all of his 30-something years.  Eating, drinking, and maybe a little flirting ensued.  After several hours, dark was setting in.  The two were enjoying each others' company, and they wanted to spend more time together.  So how could they not take a cab back to campus?

Marco shared a college apartment with a few friends, all of whom were asleep when he and his date arrived.  And none of whom he wanted to have to explain this visit to ... at least not until his visitor was long gone.  So after spending several minutes chatting, flirting, and generally carousing in the common living area, Marco got bold.  He invited his date (whose name has long since been forgotten) to join him in his bedroom. 

You're not dumb.  You know that one thing led to another.  Marco and his date were having a grand old time, enjoying each others' company in that bedroom.  Clothes came off.  More fun was had.  Until suddenly, Marco noticed something strange.

His date was naked.  Marco was naked.  But his date's feet were not naked.  Now, you may know some men who like to keep their socks on during sex.  I've heard about this from a number of people, men and women both.  You might think it strange that some men prefer to wear socks in bed.  I say socks are nothing!

Because this guy's feet weren't not naked because he was wearing socks.

No.  The date's feet were not naked because he was still wearing his shoes.

His shoes.  The guy was there, enjoying Marco's company, totally naked save his shoes.  He was wearing his shoes while in the midst of sex.  He'd slipped his suit pants over his shoes.  (Side note: you might be like me and wonder how that's possible.  But if you were like me and asked Marco that, you'd get the same shoulder shrug I did - Marco marvels at that to this day as well.)

Marco asked about the shoes.  And he was told, in no uncertain terms,

I don't take my shoes off in beds that aren't my own.

Is that right?  You can take all of your other clothes off, but not your shoes?  Really?  

Really.

He left Marco's apartment not long after that.  And he's never been heard from again.

Don't forget, you can share your own story or general comments.   I'd love to hear them!

Small frustrations

Why don't people read?  (I ask this question EVERY SINGLE DAY in my job, but I'm asking it here, too.)

Why don't men read?

I sent an email to one of these guys who's been asking if I can meet him soon.  I told him that I have plans on Monday and Tuesday night this week.

He responded with

Let me know what nights this week you are free.

If I explicitly say that I am not free on Monday and Tuesday, then that means I am available on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, right?  Right?

That's what I thought.

Read.  Please.  Just read.  Or, you know, not reading = not interested.

Ad #4

Here's ad #4.

I took a different tack this time and went the "I want to be friends" route.  Truth be told, that's probably as honest as it gets at this point, so I feel okay about taking it that direction.  Not surprisingly, that's not always how the men read the ad.

We'll get to what they said later.  For now, peruse it yourself and feel free to let me know what you think.  (Yes, I know that some of it got cut off, and I'm working on my posting skills, but I'm not there yet.  Sorry!)

------

I've been thinking lately - 33

Okay, that's not fair, really.  Like most people, I think a lot.  In fact, I'm thinking all the time.  But lately my thoughts have been turning toward the notion that maybe it's time to meet some new people.

Maybe it's time to make some new friends; maybe it's time to meet a new guy.  Maybe it's simply time to open up my little world a bit more.  

Don't get me wrong - I've got good friends, a few hobbies, and a pretty great family.  I'm not looking for replacements, just a way to expand my group of "hey, let's hang out" folks.

Here's the rub:

I'm not interested in casual sex (so need to respond if that's your thing).

I'm not 420 friendly, nor am I friendly to other drugs.  And if you're thinking this might go in the direction of dating (I'm open to the possibility), I'm not tobacco friendly, either.

I don't drink often, and when I do it's not much.

So if you think a new friend might be something you'd like, drop me a line.  Or if you like your relationships to blossom out of friendships, drop me a line.  We'll see where it takes us.

Fun with words

I'm a little bit enamored of Wordle. This is wordle's interpretation of the primer I wrote for the blog a few days ago.



Mostly, I just think it looks cool.

Reader Response

After reading Prince of Pleats, a reader made a point of finding me to say,

All I wanted after reading that was to apologize for my people.

So let me just say - apology accepted.  I won't hold any other Saudi princes accountable for the poor judgment of Ahmad.  I promise.  (And I won't hold the Saudi oil kings accountable, either!)

Okay, okay.  Apology accepted.  Though I'm not sure it's your responsibility to speak on behalf of an entire nation.  Still.  Thanks.  Much appreciated. 

If you can't say anything nice...

Let me be clear - my feelings aren't hurt.  I am not disappointed.  I just think that there are nicer ways to tell someone you aren't interested.

Am I wrong?

To wit, he first wrote

how about a pic to share?

I responded that I could certainly send along a picture but before doing so I'd like to hear a little about why he responded to my ad.  I contend that's not too much to ask for.  A 6 word response doesn't really inspire me to share much, especially if he hasn't sent a photo along himself.

well to start I too dont drink smoke or do drugs of any kind very rare to fine some one else that doesnt you seem to have a possitive out look on life also

I responded but forgot that he was requesting a picture, so I didn't send one.  He asked again.  I sent a photo and asked if he also had one.  Trading them seems fair, right?

So he sends one, saying that he thought he already had.  Now, I'm not really complaining, but he didn't actually send a picture of himself; he sent a picture of his motorcycle.  In fact, he'd even titled the file "bike.jpg."  See what I mean?

 Okay, so he sends me this photo and then, two minutes later, he sends me another message.  TWO MINUTES.

if thats your pic please dont reply

I could go off on his lack of apostrophes or capital letters.  But I won't.  I'd rather say, didn't your mom ever tell you, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"?

Time for some housekeeping

Some of you have been around for a while and know what this project is all about.  Others are just joining us.  And even though there's a spot over there in the sidebar (-->) to encourage new people to check out what's going on, I want to take a day to be sure everyone is on the same page.

You know, not everyone has the patience to read through the whole blog.  And you can only imagine what it would be like to stumble in here without a clue.  Ha!  The thought makes me chuckle.

And it turns out - shockingly enough - that readership is growing every single day.  I'm surprised (and, quite frankly, flattered) that you've shared the blog with your friends.  And that they are now along for the ride.  I only hope I can live up to expectations.

I only hope the CL men I meet can live up to expectations!

So, it seems that a primer for the "newbies" and a reminder for our loyal readers is in order:

1. I'm a single, 33 year old woman living in a major metropolitan area of the United States.
2.  My past is rife with meeting odd characters - "freaks," if you will.  That's true whether I'm meeting them in social or work settings.  It's just my luck.  Some think I take after my dad in that.  Others think I'm just a magnet for the bizarre.  Me?  I think I am Flypaper for Freaks.
3. Just about one year ago, I was thrust into a moment of complete and utter lunacy when I had a brainstorm - wouldn't it be hilarious to use Craigslist personals ads to meet new people and attract more freaks?  And wouldn't that make a really funny book? 
4. I believe my brilliancy struck on the morning of Easter Sunday.  I shared the idea with my family.  And the only person who thought it was a good idea was my now-sister-in-law.  Others questioned my sanity.  My mom said, "won't it be dangerous?"  My brother said, "don't you have another book idea already in the works?  How much follow through do you think you'll really have?"  (Sidenote - yes, I do have another book idea bungling around in my head, but I can't do anything about it until I get a new career.  Funny enough, it has to do with meeting odd characters in non-social settings.)  My dad ignored the whole conversation.
5. I let the idea go for several weeks, but it kept nagging at me.  I talked to a couple friends about it.  They said a book was a bad idea, but a blog?  A blog could be PERFECT!  I worried that a blog might give me away.  What if the men found it?  What if they realized what I was doing?  What if?  What if?  What if?
6. I sat on the idea for a while longer.  But I know myself.  When I get an idea, I generally have to go for it.  Especially if that idea sticks around for days, weeks, months.  So, I plunged in. 
7. I was embarrassed about going out to look for "love" on CL, and I was afraid that I might chicken out.  But, again, I know myself.  I am nothing if not a MAJOR rule follower.  So how better to harness my anxiety and ensure I follow through?  Write some rules, of course!  
8. I wrote the rules, and I wrote my first ad.  And then I waited.  (Of course, any of you who have used CL personals know that "waiting" is a bit of a misnomer - those guys swoop in immediately.  We're talking right away!  I had barely confirmed the ad before I had a response.  At first I thought I'd just gotten lucky.  Now I realize that's totally normal.)
9. By my second ad, I understood that the rules needed some adjusting AND that I needed to actually be open to meeting someone who could have potential.  It couldn't just be a game.  And as soon as I was open to that possibility, I met someone.  And I gave up the blog for 7 months.
10. He dumped me.  And now I'm back at it.  I don't have high hopes for meeting another special someone, but I've learned my lesson.  I'm open to the possibility.  Either way, the most important part of this whole project (and make no mistake - that's what this is ... a project.  Or, if you prefer, an experiment.)  It's a way for me to meet new people, marvel at the wonder of dating, and hopefully, provide a bit of humor to the world.  I trust you'll tell me if I'm not doing my job.
11. I learned that sometimes it's fun to supplement stories about the experiment with stories from my past.  It offers proof that I've always attracted "interesting" people and it provides for some material in the lag-time between a new ad and meeting the guys.

Reader Response

Sorry to disappoint.  I'm trying - really, really trying - to get a new post up every single day.  Okay, every single weekday.  And one on the weekends.  I'm trying.  But rest assured that if there isn't a new post it's because I'm frantically responding to all the emails or trying to write a new ad. 

Prince of pleats

Two years ago on New Years Eve, I had planned to fly out to visit a friend but was thwarted just a few days before my flight was supposed to leave.  By the time I knew I was going to be home for the holiday, my local friends were all busy.  Good thing I have family in town!  I coerced my brother into feeling badly enough that he'd be willing to spend the evening with me.

We tried a concert but to no avail.  The pub was full, and there was no way we were cool enough to con our way in.  Instead, we headed out to our neighborhood bar.  (Yes, our neighborhood bar; my brother and I live just a couple of doors away from each other.)  The bar is a little seedy and is largely patronized for its karaoke and pool tables.  They also sell some of the nastiest Chinese food around.  It's a dive.  But, it was New Years Eve; we didn't have other plans; and going there meant not having to worry about driving home.

Disclaimer: I don't drink often, and when I do, I don't drink much.  It doesn't take much for me to feel the effects of alcohol, and I had more than a few cocktails that night.  That said, I know that I remember this story accurately.  Truly.

As my brother and I were sitting at the bar, enjoying each others' company, he noticed a few women who'd gone to his high school walk through the door.  He took the opportunity to chat them up, leaving me alone to my wallow in my sadness at our circumstances.

But not for long.

I was soon joined at the bar by a man who introduced himself as Ahmad.  In fact, he told me that he's a prince.  He's from Saudi Arabia, and he's here in the States for school.  He's working on his PhD in mathematics.  He's rich.  Really, really rich.  And smart.  Very smart.

Side note: I have a theory - if you have to tell me you're rich, you aren't.  If you have to tell me you're smart, you aren't.  

In any case, Ahmad is trying to snuggle up close to me.  He's been drinking but not heavily.  He talks and talks, telling me all about his friends and relatives.  He tells me that even though he's Muslim, he thinks that drinking and sex are amazing.  He's thrilled to be in the United States because he can partake in these activities without repercussion.  He tells me I'm beautiful.  I shouldn't really be flattered, but I'd just been told to stay home by a guy I used to love and I'd had a bit too much to drink at that point.  Plus, my brother is still chatting up these women from high school, leaving me to fend for myself.  So I let him continue talking to me.  He goes on and on about being a Saudi prince.  On and on and on.

He tells me he'd really like to come home with me.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

When I return, I sigh with relief because he's moved on to the next woman.  He's snuggling up close to her.  He's got his arm wrapped around her shoulders, with his hand grazing her breasts.  He's moved quickly.  I am grateful to have gotten away easily.

Until she leaves to use the restroom.

Ahmad is back.  Telling me all over again about being a Saudi prince.  I tell him I already know.  And he leans in and says,

I want to play with your body.  I want to lick the folds.  I want to be touch your rolls.  I want to suck on your pleated skin.  Take me home so I can play in your folds.

There is so much wrong there.

I know I'm not thin.  I know you know I'm not.  But, really?  I wasn't going to take him home anyway, but pointing out my totally flawed body?  Really?  Is that supposed to seduce me?

It doesn't.

Work freaks

In general, I'm not inclined to mix work with "pleasure."  In other words, work shouldn't be finding its way into this blog very often.  But today I just can't help it.

You'll remember that I'm on the road for a work trip, right?  Well, this part of the job requires meeting a whole lot of people - primarily high school students and their parents.  Last night I met an older used-to-be-famous man.  I recognized him but couldn't place him, though a colleague was able to do that for me.  This 73 year old man brought his 16 year old son by to meet me (I googled him ... and confirmed that it was, in fact, him and found both his age and his son's). 

Before walking up to me, he winked at me.

When he stopped to introduce his son to me, he winked at me.

When they walked away, he winked at me.

I think winking is creepy.  I think old men winking at younger women is extra creepy.  Don't wink at me, semi-famous dude!  Please please don't wink at me.

On the road

I am out of town this week, traveling for work.  That's not unusual for me, so I don't have any problem telling my ad responders that I'm happy to continue emailing with them this week but certainly can't meet up with them.  It's just a normal part of my life to be hanging out in a hotel room for a few days. 

Two men have responded to this news in ways I find a little bizarre:

First,

So how does a 33 year old end up with a job that allows her travel all the time?

Well.  Is it that unusual for someone my age to have a job in which I spend a few weeks a year on the road?  Am I crazy for thinking that's fairly normal?  And what does my age have to do with that?  There are women in my office who are 22 and women who are in their 50s.  We all travel.  Is it really that strange?

Second, an email from someone who's been hanging around since the third ad (the 29 year old who's never had a job),

This week will be filled with looking for work, finding some places to volunteer, and hoping to schedule meeting you. Like to be productive and this week shall be just that.

Enjoying your large bed?

Okay, I'm glad to hear that he's looking for a job.  Nice to know that he wants to volunteer as well.  Those things can both take time.  But is it really going to take that much time to schedule a meeting with me?  I mean, if not for this blog, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even bother, but given the rules, I'm pretty easy!  As long as I'm in town and not working, I'm going to say yes.  Sure, he doesn't know that, but I can pretty much guarantee it's not going to take much time to schedule a meeting with me.

More importantly, eeewwww!  Gross! 

Am I enjoying my large bed? 

Okay, it's true that my hotel room sports a king, and I guess he could assume that.  But it could also be the case that I'm in a room with two queens.  Also, what does he think I sleep on at home?  It's not like my bed at home is a twin. 

More importantly, what am I supposed to do with that question?  It just makes my skin crawl.  Ick.

Reader Story - Coitus Interruptus

This isn't my story.  I promise not to do this very often (unless you like the concept?), but this one's just too good to not share.  Of course, since it's not my story, I can't promise that I'll get all the details right.  Still, I think I'm capturing the essence.

To set the scene:
Our reader has been using an online personals program specific to her city.  Not Craigslist* but still a free service.  She's been out with a few guys, but nothing's really sparked for her.  No freaks to speak of (which, let's be clear, is good for her.  I'm the one who thinks meeting freaks is funny.  She's actually trying to find someone she can love.)

Then, finally our reader meets a guy she's really into.  They go out once and have a blast.  Their second date is amazing.  The third and fourth follow suit.  So by the fifth date, she's excited and thinking this might be going somewhere.  She's ready.  You know - ready.  She packs a few things before heading out for dinner, knowing that she won't be sleeping at home that night.

And she's not disappointed.  They go out, have dinner and a few drinks.  When it starts getting to be pretty late, he invites her back to his place.  She's eager and prepared, so of course she accepts.  And they promptly hit the sack.  This has, after all, been in the making for several really fantastic dates, and she's pretty sure they've both been thinking about it since the moment they met.  She can hardly believe she's waited this long. 

There they are, going at it "hot and heavy" as my mom would say.  Suddenly, mid-coitus, he stops.  He says he's not sure they should be doing this.  She allays his fears and they start up again.  For a couple of minutes.  He stops again.  He pulls out.  He turns away from her and curls up into the fetal position.  And he says, "this isn't right.  I can't do this."

She's stumped.  She tries to talk to him.  He curls further and further into a ball.

It clicks for her.  She knows exactly what's happening.  She was abused, so she's recognizing the signs.  She likes this guy, and she wants to continue spending time with him.  She wants that time to include sex.  And she thinks that maybe they could get back to it if only he'd open up with her.  The best way to get someone to open up about something?  Share your own story.  So she does.  She discloses her abused past to him.

And he starts to talk.

He was never abused.  Nope.  Not him.  But a friend of his was. 

(Side note: I've never experienced abuse, and I'm not a psychologist, so I don't have a totally clear sense of how the whole healing process works.  But this smacks a little of adolescent behavior.  You know, the kind of thing where one might say, "I have a friend who really likes this guy but doesn't know how to talk to him..."  Am I wrong?)

In fact, he walked in on his friend being abused.  And he was so angry about it that he "beat the crap" out of the guy doing the abusing.  Beat him to a bloody pulp.  The guy couldn't walk for days.  He saved his friend.

Riiiiight.

As he tells the story, his volume increases 10-fold.  It's the middle of the night; they're in an apartment with relatively thin walls, lying in bed naked.  He's screaming.  Spewing venom.  He's thrashing around. Surely everyone in the building can hear him.  It's scary.

As our reader says, "he wasn't the one abused?"

She's beginning to think that she should just gather her things and go home.  But it's late.  And she's still feeling the effects of drinking.  (PSA: Good for you, not wanting to drive drunk!)  She's relatively new to town and doesn't have any friends she can call on to come get her.  So when he settles down some, she decides that staying won't be so bad.

They start talking again.  Laughing.  Joking.  Watching YouTube videos.**  Laughing.  It's a little eerie how quickly he's back to being the guy she thought she was getting to know.  They're having a good time.  He turns to her and says, "Do you want to try again?"

Ummm... 
No.  NO.  NO.  She did not. 
Thank you very much.

And, as far as I know, she drove herself home the next morning and hasn't seen or heard from him since.


* Nope, not in Little Rock, either.  But I still think you should check out their ads.
** I don't know what videos they were watching, but this is the one that makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch it.  I am 100% confident that I would have laughed even after experiencing what our reader did. 

And here I was thinking I'm original

I did a quick google search today and discovered that there are "Flypaper for Freaks" blogs and books and shirts and coffee mugs all over the place.  Most of the blogs are old or out-dated, no longer be kept up by their authors.  They aren't really about dating, either.  Whew!

BUT

The book is actually one of those self-published things, and I read one review that said it's not that great.  It is, however, about the perils of dating (after divorce).

I have two thoughts about this
1) Crap!  I'm not all that unique after all, and
2) See!  I told you I'm not the only one these things happen to.

Do you think it's a problem that others have used the name first?

Mama's boy

I received a response to the fourth ad from an email address belonging to

Man and Woman Last-Name

So I responded,

Hello ...
So quick question - am I writing to Man or Woman? 
Thanks!

Flypaper

His answer to that?

Woman is my mother.  I was using her computer last night.  I'm Son.

Really?!?  He used his mom and dad's email address to respond to a personals ad?

Since he sent the second message from the same email address, I commented back, asking if he's still using his mom's.  Because, really, even if he's using his mom's COMPUTER, does he really have to use her EMAIL?  I'm pretty sure it doesn't actually work that way.  In any case, he responded telling me that he is living with his parents for the next week or so before he gets his own place.  You see, he just broke up with his girlfriend of 15 years.  Two weeks ago.

I'm guessing he's maybe not ready to date yet.

It's been two months since my boyfriend of 7 months dumped me.  And I admit that maybe I'm not totally ready to think about actually dating someone again - this blog notwithstanding.  So maybe I shouldn't judge. 

But if he hasn't figured out that using his mom and dad's email address to respond to personals ads is a bad idea, then I'm pretty sure he's not ready for this side of the world yet.

So not interested.

Repeats

I posted a fourth ad today.  I know I haven't completely closed out Ad #3 (and I'm going out of town for a week, so the timing is probably really terrible), but can I help that I'm a little bored with it?  I really need to rewrite the rules so that I can move forward in a way that feels right to me but doesn't make me feel guilty for not following them.

I am a rule follower.

I can't help it.  I've always been a rule follower.  It doesn't matter who writes the rules - even if I write them for myself, I have a compulsion to follow them.  So I know that I need to rewrite them, but I'd like for them to be good.  I'd like for them to not have to be revisited again.  So I'm mulling them over in my head. 

For now, I am feeling guilty for not following the rules perfectly.  (Guilt.  That's what years and years of Catholic school will get you.)

Anyway, I posted the fourth ad and have already had several responses.  Of course.  These men are quick.

One of the responses seemed awfully familiar.  Despite the fact that Ad #3 and Ad #4 are dramatically different from one another, the response seemed similar.  You know why?

Response from "Daddy" (which, by the way, is reason enough to say no thanks) to Ad #3:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

(Yes, he used that bold, italic font.) Response from Daddy to Ad #4:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

Notice anything? 

Yeah, I saw that too.

It's not you, it's me (part 2 of 2)

The thing about offering general dating tips (unsolicited or not) is that they are just that - general.  It's the kind of advice that might help you get your foot in the door but won't necessarily let you keep it there.

I'm okay with that.

I am not someone who thinks that people ought to change who they for another person.  I might not believe in full disclosure on the first date, but I do think there's a time and place for being open and honest with your partner.  But see there?  Did you notice that word "partner"?  That's the key.  There's a time and place for everything.  And in my mind, the time and place of a first date means putting your best foot forward - do what you can to make a good first impression.  But be yourself.

I believe in the tips I offered yesterday, and I believe that a man can be himself and follow the advice simultaneously.

Doing so won't mean that he gets a second date, but at least then he'll know it's simply a matter of incompatibility, as opposed to a matter of his shyness or baldness or whatever else he blamed it on:

Flypaper, 

I enjoyed meeting you, although I fear that may have not been the impression I gave.  You're witness to 41 years of shyness.  It's something I've been working on -- during the 1990s I used to drink...a lot (I don't now) and was able to handle social situations with a bit more ease.  Now I have no crutches to fall back on.

Of course first impressions make a huge difference, and I know (and have been told by people) that I don't always make a good first impression, which does make it difficult to proceed to a second meeting.  I do warm up to people, it just takes a bit of time.

I'm sure I'm breaking every single dating rule out there by admitting to my own failings, rather than playing up my strengths.  However, I like to operate from a place of honesty.

All that said, I would like to meet up again.  I can understand any reluctance on your part or even if you aren't interested in a second meeting.  

Sincerely,

Mr. Insecure

Ignoring the fact that I knew before I ever met him that it wasn't going to go any further than this first meeting, none of the things he thinks were a problem for me actually were.  

Remember how he was 15 minutes late?

That's a major no-no in my book, but I don't think I'm unusual in that.  And since he apologized immediately, I was willing to be a little forgiving.  At least, I was willing to inquire as to his reasons for the tardiness.

What happened?

I always get lost when I drive in the city.

Oh?  How long have you lived here?

All my life.

Really?  You've lived in this city for 41 years, and you don't know how to get to the intersection of a major street and a numbered avenue?  Sigh.

Hmm.  Where about do you live?

Oh, not too far, it turns out.  I live over near [a major shopping mall].

Aarrgh!  Really?!?  The shopping mall he lives near is a STRAIGHT SHOT.  Honestly, he needed to drive down one VERY major numbered avenue that the mall sits upon and turn left on the major street the coffee shop sits on.  And then he needed to drive about 50 blocks.  That's it.  But, I was feeling charitable, so I was willing to be open to the idea that someone could get lost.  Okay - not really.  But I was willing to try.   

I couldn't find one of the streets on my google maps directions. 

This confused me, of course, since there shouldn't have been any reason to drive on any obscure street.  Regardless, I asked him which street he'd had trouble with.

It was a street called "See-zer Chay-vez"?  Or something like that?

Pronounced just like that.  I was done.  Done.  Absolutely, without question, done.  Really?  There were so many things wrong.  Allow me to point out the most egregious: 

1) He didn't seem to know that Cesar Chavez was a person.  Forget that he couldn't pronounce it.  He didn't even seem to know "what" a Cesar Chavez is.  Cultural competency is important to me.  Okay, so you don't know about the United Farm Workers.  Or you don't know about the "Uvas, No!" campaign.  How do you not know he's a person?  And, really?  How do you not know who he is?  I guess it's okay if you don't, but I can promise you that means you aren't the one for me.  Without some modicum of cultural competency, I'm simply not interested.

2) The street name change was recent - a major numbered avenue became "Cesar Chavez" not that long ago.  This was really, really controversial in our city.  You had to be living under a rock to not know that.  I'm not attracted to ignorance of local news.



It only got better from there.  The one question he asked me in the 45 minutes we spent together was where I work.  I work at a college.  I peddle education for a living.  That's what I do.

He told me that he thought about going to law school at the college where I work.  He didn't do it because he never finished college.  He started.  He was working on his AA degree, but he quit when the math was too hard.  You know, math is hard and boring and not really good for anything.

I have a bachelors degree in mathematics.  (Unsolicited Tip: Know your audience.)

He told me he quit college because he didn't want to have to work that hard.  He didn't figure it was worth it.  Because, you know,

Education isn't that important.

I work at a college.  I work in education.  It is my life's work.  It is probably my greatest passion  (Unsolicited Tip: Really - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Now, I know myself well enough to know that I can be pretty critical.  And I know enough to say that if you honestly think education is not important, then I probably think you're not very bright.  But I also know you have a right to your opinion.  And you have a right to share it.

I'm glad this guy did share his opinion.  It solidified everything I'd been thinking.
He's not for me.
I'm not for him.

It's not you, it's me (part 1 of 2)

Last week I went out with a guy from my third ad, and I've been trying to figure out how to describe all the things that went wrong in one post.  I can't do it.  I just don't know how.

You see, this guy is nice enough.  He writes well enough.  And I suppose he could be a good catch for someone else.

He has some pretty serious confidence issues, and I really do think that if he is able to get those under control, then he just might find his soulmate.  Well, he might find someone who'd be thrilled to get to know him better, date him, and maybe even become his third wife.  (Yeah - third wife.  How is it that these guys can find more than one woman to marry them, and I can't even find one measly guy who wants to spend more than a few months with me?  Huh?  I keep telling myself it's because I have standards, but sometimes I wonder.)


The thing is, most of the things that he thinks are his major issues can be alleviated with a few strategic changes.  I'm not talking about fundamentally changing oneself for another; I'm talking about changes someone can make so they can feel better about themselves.  I'm talking about the kinds of changes we sometimes ought to make for ourselves.  I'm talking about the easy things.

We had been emailing for awhile with no photos exchanged yet, when he started telling me about his online dating history:

My experience with CL has not been very positive.  All too often I'll strike up a conversation with someone only to have the other person stop corresponding with me, for no apparent reason.  In other instances the reason is clear as to why the person has stopped corresponding: it will happen immediately after I exchange photographs.  At my age we men fight a battle with genetics, and the battlefield is our hairlines.  Which is a very long-winded way for me to say I'm losing my hair.  Apparently most women want men with a full head of hair.

He didn't send a photo along with that message, but he did with the next.  And he sent it saying "I've attached my own photo with my forehead exposed to the world!"

The truth is, I don't care about the balding thing.  Maybe some women do, but I figure it's a fact of life for some men.  What bothers me is when men have an issue with the fact that they're balding, and they lament it.  And they blame their own issues with losing their hair on women.  The photo he sent really did have his forehead exposed to the world; it was front-and-center in the photo, with lights bouncing off it.  

After we met, this guy sent me an email expressing his certainty that he hadn't made a good impression and asking for a second shot.  I told him that I knew he wasn't the one for me (and, moreover, that I know I'm not the one for him).  I also told him that if he was interested, I had a few tips I thought might help as he goes on to meet other women.  I told him that I wouldn't share them unsolicited, but if he was interested, I'd be happy to send them along.

He never responded.  But that doesn't mean I can't help the rest of mankind.

Unsolicited Tip #1: If you have problems with your bald head, don't make it the focal point of your photo.  Don't hide it under a hat, or anything, but can't you find something about your face/head that you do like, and let that be the central theme?  I'll see that you're bald, but I'll be paying attention to your smile or your eyes, or the goofy expression you're making.

Unsolicited Tip #2: If you're bald (and we're talking NOTHING on top), go Mr. Clean on the world.  Please, please, please don't let the hair you do have left grow.  Don't do the ponytail thing.  It screams, "I'm insecure about the fact that I've lost the hair on top of my head!"  Be confident.  Don't rely on hair for your strength.  Embrace your baldness.  Please.

But you know, I have my own insecurities with how I look, so who am I to say?  Maybe his bald head is like my calves.  I almost exclusively wear pants because my genetics gave me enormously wide calves.  I don't like them, so I try not to impose on others by wearing skirts or dresses.  Maybe it's the same thing?  Maybe his ponytail = my pants?

Still, the hair is just the beginning of the things he could do better.  I'd gotten to the coffee shop a little early because I was hungry and wanted to eat something.  I read my book while eating a sandwich and sipping on my tea.  By the time he was supposed to have arrived, I laid my book down and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  He was 15 minutes late.  In fact, I was just packing up my stuff to leave when he finally arrived.

Unsolicited Tip #3: Be on time.  Leave extra early if you have to.  But be on time.  Unless you KNOW that the woman you're meeting doesn't have an issue with tardiness, be on time.

Unsolicited Tip #4: And please Please PLEASE wear clothes that fit.  And that are clean.  A ratty, holey t-shirt that is two sizes too big doesn't make a good impression.  Ever.  You don't have to dress up for me, especially if we're meeting in a coffee shop, but be presentable. 

So the first impressions were obviously not so hot.  I'm willing to give someone a chance.  I'm willing to let him sit down, open his mouth, and share something really amazing with me.  I can be open-minded.  I can have a conversation.  However, I interview people for my job, and the last thing I want is for my dates to feel like my work.

Unsolicited Tip #5: Talk WITH me, not at me.  Ask me some questions.  Have a conversation.  Don't make me interview you.  

While I'm good at asking questions, I find that if I'm not really into a guy and he's not asking me about myself, I'm not so good at divulging.  So when I'm not super excited about what I'm hearing or feeling, I really only want to carry my share of the load by inquiring after his life.  I don't open up entirely about my own unless he asks.  And, well, it turns out that most men don't seem to ask all that much.  They also don't seem to know how to filter their own thoughts.  Oh, how I wish men learned to filter themselves.

Unsolicited Tip #6: If you're telling me about where you live and this is your first date, censor yourself before you share that you live with your first ex-wife.  If you insist that honesty is your "thing," then go ahead and tell me that but -really- listen to the sirens going off in your head before you tell me that you have to live with her because you got kicked out of your last apartment by roommates who accused you of putting porn on their computers.  I don't care if you swear you didn't do it.  Don't tell me about it.  Not on the first date.  Probably not on the second or third, either.  Keep it to yourself.  Shhh....  

See?  These are easy things to change.  And they aren't about changing who he is fundamentally.  They'd just give him a little more confidence.  And, maybe, a shot at a second date.


But not with me.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - I'll be sharing why even taking these tips to heart just weren't going to cut it.

Does this mean I'm average?

Earlier today, I came across the following "poster" and all I have to say is
1) I'm glad I'm not paying my hard-earned money for the CL experiment,
2) I wonder how many men would respond to my ads if I hadn't long-ago surpassed my "peak" desirability, and
3) if I read points #6 and #10 simultaneously, can I assume that scammers are sex offenders? (Yes, I have a math degree, and yes, I know that's not how statistics work.)

Via: Online Schools

Rules, revisited (again)

With this third ad, I've been thinking I really need to revisit the rules again.

I know I said that I'd make every effort to meet each man who responds to my ads.  But the truth is - I really don't want to.  And it's not just the super creepy ones I want to avoid.  Sometimes, I want to avoid meeting the ones whose emails make me think I'll likely end up just hurting them when I tell them what I've known all along: I'm not interested.

For example, the first man to respond to ad #3 is 51 years old.  That's old enough to be my dad.  A young dad, sure - but my dad all the same.

The second response came from a man who has the same hobbies as my dad.  Seriously.  He is majorly into the Boy Scouts.  He volunteers with them in a variety of capacities.  It's the only thing he does, as he's never had a job.  He's 29.  And you know what?  He's never had a job.  You know what else?  He's written me 5 (yes, really) emails about his Eagle Scout project.  The thing about having a dad who is really into Boy Scouts is that I know a few details about the Eagle.  For example, you have to complete your project before you turn 18.  So, this guy is 29 and is still talking about his Eagle Scout project.  A LOT.  Too much, I'd say. 

Both of these men seem very nice.  Both of them are continuing to write to me, even when I've slowed down my responses to them.  Both have hinted that they'd like to meet me. 

I am quite certain I am interested in neither of them.  But both seem to be genuinely interested in knowing me much better.

I love my dad.  Really, I do.  But I am 100% certain that I do not want anyone who is nearly his age.  And I do not want someone who has his hobbies. 

I also do not have an interest in hurting these men.  So, I am thinking I ought to alter my rules.  If I am beginning to think that taking that next step of meeting them only to say, "thanks, but no thanks," maybe I shouldn't go there?  Or maybe I should try harder to ensure the first meeting happens before the emails get to a point where they are showing their hand so clearly?  It's just that I may need to rewrite the rules at some point.  Consider this your fair warning.

Reader Response

We have a potential answer ... it appears that if I want to know about things like "360," I need to be reading more Cosmo or something. 

What do you think?  Is this the 360 to which Tim referred?  Or are there other suggestions out there?

1 more acceptable reason to post a photo on this blog

I know those three reasons I posted yesterday seemed like the only acceptable methods/reasons for posting a photo, but I'm pretty sure I've got another that you'll agree is also just fine.

My third ad prompted a response from a young man wondering if he might be my "Dream Guy on CL":

Cutie, 

 

I hope you had a great night.  See my pic attached and I'd like to make love to you.

Cheers
Tim

P.S.  I'm 5"10; 160pds, with athletic body. 25yrs old. 

First, I'm not your "cutie" (and you never even saw my photo, so how can you be so sure?)
Second, I don't want to "make love to you."  And what would possess you to think that would get me interested in you?

But, of course, the rules say I have to respond. So, I did:

Tim,

I had a fine night.  I'm irritated that you'd call me "cutie" without knowing me -- or even knowing if I'm "cute."  But I feel a little bad for you .. that you're so certain you'd like to make love to me, without knowing the first thing about me.  That's not really my style.

Can you believe he responded?  He did!  And it gets worse ... (and it's R-rated, so if you aren't comfortable with that, STOP RIGHT HERE!)

I really do appreciate your response.  Sometimes lives just get me too excited, and sometimes even you have days when just got to have it:).  So, in case that day comes, feel free to email me and I'll sweep you off your feet and make you my goddess in bed.  If you have girlfriends that are as horny as I am and aren't getting any, feel free to pass my email to them with my pic.  I love pleasure [licking, sucking, and 360 are my favorites] and age, color, body type is not that important to me.

Sincerely,
Tim

I don't think of myself as that naive, but I wasn't at all sure I entirely understood him.  So, I looked "360" up on urbandictionary.com and came up short.  If you can clue me in, please do.  I think.  Maybe I don't really want to know?


But more to the point, as I read this last exchange, I'm getting the message that Tim (yes, that's his real name) wants me to pass along his photo.  Which makes me think it's okay to post it here (reason #4).  So, to all my "girlfriends" out there, feast your eyes on Tim:

First, if you want an unadulterated photo and his email address, let me know - he'd be pleased to hear from you, I'm sure.


Second, I know for certain that this is, in fact, Tim.  I cyberstalked him.  I know where he works.  And he has an official workplace photo featured prominently both on their site and on LinkedIn.  It's him, though he does seem a little more "plasticky" in this photo.  I almost sent a copy of his messages along to the manager at his company, but I decided that might not be a nice thing to do.  Was that wrong?

In this business, a little cyberstalking is always in order

It's a safety thing.

At least, that's how I justify it to myself.  And, honestly - if they give me their full name, they've got to know that I'm going to google them.  And probably look them up on Facebook.  And if they don't know that, well - then they aren't following any kind of "safety first" rules, are they? 

Anyway, if they respond to one of my ads and they share their full name, I'm looking them up.  Unless I find out something really bad about them, it's not going to prevent me from continuing on, meeting them, and being open to finding true love.  Honest!  Okay, it won't prevent me from meeting them.  But true love?  That only comes every so often, and while I've learned my lesson about poo-pooing everyone on CL, I do have my limits.

For example, I received a pretty nice response from a guy who said he liked the "attitude and spirit that came through" in my post.  He was short and sweet and to the point in his first message, and of course, I responded.  The rules say I have to, but I probably would have even if the rules gave me some leeway.  We swapped a few more emails and ultimately decided we'd meet up just a few short days after I first posted my ad.  Unlike most men, this one never sent a photo.  So, in addition to wanting to be sure I wasn't about to meet a serial rapist, my google/FB search was also image reconnaissance.

Sidebar - I have some rules about posting my dates' photos - I won't do it.  Unless one of the following is true: 
1) They know about the blog and have given permission (not likely, I know).
2) I am totally and completely convinced that the photos they've sent are fake (prime example here).
3) They've posted the photo in a public venue (or publicly on their Facebook page), and I've doctored it up so you can't see any identifying features.  

I'm sorry to say that my FB search for this man, who seemed like he might be a nice guy, turned up some sketchy photos.  Photos of him and some much younger women, partying in a hot tub.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to partying in hot tubs.  I am, however, opposed to 40-something men posting photos of themselves in hot tubs with bikini-clad drunk girls who are clearly half their age.  I admit that I am even more opposed to said men posting photos of themselves being crowned by these girls' wet locks.

Yes, that's her hair.  Ick.

But, by the time I'd found this photo, I had already agreed to meet this man (who, by the way, makes a living as a karaoke DJ - who knew that was possible?  Come on!  Raise your hand if you thought it was possible to make a living at that for more than a decade!) that very evening.  Okay, okay - maybe I should have known before I'd ever cyberstalked him; maybe I should have known by the place he picked.  When I looked the bar up online to get the address, there were photos after photos after photos of people pulling up their shirts and showing off their chests.  Sigh.

Anyway, I showed up.  And so did he.  And we talked for an hour and a half or so.  Well, he talked for an hour and a half or so.  He asked me ONE question about myself.  I counted.  One.  But, he told me all kinds of things.  Too many things, and too many kinds of things:

I'm OCD and ADD, and I took a 700 point evaluation and got diagnosed with depression.  But the medicine helps.  When I take it.

I had a head explosion when I decided I couldn't take my last "girlfriend" (he used air quotes - I swear!) f***ing other men.  She told me she was dating more than just me, and I pretended I was okay with it.  But I'm a really jealous guy.  I can't handle it.  It made me crazy, so I read her email and found all these messages where she was telling them what a great f*** they were.  And I had a head a explosion.

Ugh.  You know, these are probably good things to tell someone you're dating.  But not on the first date.

Too much information.

Would you believe that the next day I had an email from him asking if I'd like to go out again?  AND - maybe I'd like to go camping with him?  Really?!?

Ad #3

Here it is, the third ad. I posted this a little more than a week ago, and already I've had a couple of first meetings and am still in email conversations with a few other men. Now that the ad has expired, I can share it with you:

Today was a good day...
...so I figure I'll push my luck and post here tonight. I've done this a few times before, and I'll be honest - my hopes were never very high, but the last time I posted I met someone special. We spent several good months together before amicably deciding to go our separate ways. Maybe it's crazy of me to think I might be so lucky in love on CL twice, but I'm also open to being less skeptical about the possibility.

I'll share the basics now, and if they whet your appetite, please respond - after that, we'll see where it goes. Sound good?

I am...
...naturally a homebody but trying hard to get out a bit more -- to explore my hometown, to find new hobbies, to learn new people, to taste the wares of new restaurants. I'm not afraid or disinclined to do so myself, but it's a whole lot more fun with someone else. I'd be thrilled to find someone who wants to join me.
...educated, opinionated, and rarely afraid to share my thoughts. Some have told me this can be intimidating. My dad once told me I should "act dumb if [I] ever want to get married." Well, maybe someday I'd like to find a life partner, but I sure don't want someone who'd need me to act any particular way to attract him. If you're a good fit for me, you're bright and want a woman who is the same. (Oh, and, you spell correctly and use proper grammar when you respond to my message. I know it's picky, but it's always been a pet peeve of mine, and first impressions count for something in my world.)
...not a skinny-minny and probably never will be. I work out pretty regularly, but try as I might to change, I remain full-figured. I'm okay with that; you will be, too. In fact, you might even prefer it that way.

Like what you read so far? Send me a message telling me something about you and ask a question or two. Let's chat.

I wish they didn't need to ask

With this third ad, a couple of the guys have responded by asking me if I have a problem with them not being white. (Shut up! I don't want to hear what all of you who know me and my dating history are thinking. It's not relevant to my point.) It makes me sad that they need to ask. It makes me sad that they feel they need to ask. It makes me wonder what has happened to them in the past. I asked one. He said that until he started asking the question, there was only one time when the woman he was emailing/chatting with (and, by the way, seeming to get along with) didn't stop all communication right after they exchanged photos. He told me that at first he just thought they weren't attracted to him. Then he started to think that maybe it was because he's not white. So he started telling the women that he's Indian and asking if they mind. He says that only two women out of about 25 have told him they don't care. Two women? Really? And one of them is just trying to write a blog. I hate that he has to ask. I hate that he feels he needs to. I hate that it matters to people. And I hate that I'm still surprised by it.

I also desperately wish that women would be honest with themselves and in their ads if it does matter to them.

"Love" at first reply

So, I've promised over and over that there does, in fact, exit a happy tale in this whole CL dating scene. My cousin is married to a man she met through CL personals. But of course, you know what I really mean - there even exists a moderately happy tale in my life.

You've all read the fortune cookie ad. I hated that ad; you probably hated that ad; and I can tell you someone else who hated it.

I'd sent that ad into the ether and started hearing back from man after man who could care less who I was or what I wanted. I kind of think they barely cared who they were or what they wanted. I diligently responded to each and every ad. (Which, by the way, is a LOT harder when you haven't said anything about yourself in the first ad - it's just a whole lot more work.) Then I got a response from someone we'll be calling Joe. And those of you who know "Joe" are just going to have to get used to the pseudonym; if it matters to you, he sort of chose, and therefore sort of approves of, the name. Joe got right to the point:

Subject: Fate, Kismet, Destiny

Do you believe a cookie can really tell your fortune :) ? Do you believe in things like fate or destiny? I guess, that would beg the question, Do you believe in God?

Oh, and if you have a choice about someplace cold to visit...I'd go to Ireland :)

Now, I read these few sentences again all these months later, and I'm not sure that I can adequately explain myself. The truth is, I was totally hooked. I loved that he was willing to call me on my shit. Of course I responded; the rules guaranteed that I would. But I anxiously awaited his subsequent response, and I was eager to learn more.

It was only a few emails in before Joe suggested we try either chatting online or meeting up for Thai food (which had somehow become a primary subject of our conversation). The chatting came first but didn't last long. He was trying to tell me about something going on at work, and the chat format was proving difficult. So I gave him my phone number, he called, and we talked for nearly an hour before I had to head out for a previously planned event. But I was giddy throughout, and I really just wanted to get back to the conversation. I logged on to chat with him as soon as I got home, and we "talked" far into the night. It had been years since I'd stayed up that late.

I was so intrigued that I told him right then and there that my ad had, in some ways, been disingenuous. I told him about the blog. And he had no qualms with it. I was more intrigued.

The next day we met up for Thai food, and I was so nervous I could barely stand it. I hadn't been that nervous to meet someone for a very long time - maybe even never. I was so sure throughout lunch that he wasn't interested. We joke about it now: I swear he never looked me in the eye; he's certain that's not true. Regardless, I left the restaurant knowing that I was more intrigued than before and absolutely convinced that he was done.

He wasn't.

By the time I was back at a computer, he had sent me a message saying that he'd enjoyed lunch. I responded that I wasn't sure he was still interested. He replied that he was more interested after lunch than he was before.

Whew! But I wasn't totally convinced.

I had a family function that night, but when I checked my phone at the end of it, he'd left a text message asking if I might like to go for a walk.

Whew! I was totally convinced.

And, well, we spent the next 7 months together. He still claims to have hated my ad. He says he responded because he wanted to give me some advice about how to write an ad, how to "sell" myself. He says he was feeling a little sorry for me and was pretty sure that he could help. I tell him that it seems to have worked pretty well. He says that's not true -- I didn't get what I wanted; I may have gotten him, but since I was looking for fodder for this blog, the ad failed.

Reader Participation:
What do you think, dear readers? Did the ad work? Or does the fact that Joe and I had a healthy relationship and good fun for 7 months prove that it didn't?