Ad #3

Here it is, the third ad. I posted this a little more than a week ago, and already I've had a couple of first meetings and am still in email conversations with a few other men. Now that the ad has expired, I can share it with you:

Today was a good day...
...so I figure I'll push my luck and post here tonight. I've done this a few times before, and I'll be honest - my hopes were never very high, but the last time I posted I met someone special. We spent several good months together before amicably deciding to go our separate ways. Maybe it's crazy of me to think I might be so lucky in love on CL twice, but I'm also open to being less skeptical about the possibility.

I'll share the basics now, and if they whet your appetite, please respond - after that, we'll see where it goes. Sound good?

I am...
...naturally a homebody but trying hard to get out a bit more -- to explore my hometown, to find new hobbies, to learn new people, to taste the wares of new restaurants. I'm not afraid or disinclined to do so myself, but it's a whole lot more fun with someone else. I'd be thrilled to find someone who wants to join me.
...educated, opinionated, and rarely afraid to share my thoughts. Some have told me this can be intimidating. My dad once told me I should "act dumb if [I] ever want to get married." Well, maybe someday I'd like to find a life partner, but I sure don't want someone who'd need me to act any particular way to attract him. If you're a good fit for me, you're bright and want a woman who is the same. (Oh, and, you spell correctly and use proper grammar when you respond to my message. I know it's picky, but it's always been a pet peeve of mine, and first impressions count for something in my world.)
...not a skinny-minny and probably never will be. I work out pretty regularly, but try as I might to change, I remain full-figured. I'm okay with that; you will be, too. In fact, you might even prefer it that way.

Like what you read so far? Send me a message telling me something about you and ask a question or two. Let's chat.

I wish they didn't need to ask

With this third ad, a couple of the guys have responded by asking me if I have a problem with them not being white. (Shut up! I don't want to hear what all of you who know me and my dating history are thinking. It's not relevant to my point.) It makes me sad that they need to ask. It makes me sad that they feel they need to ask. It makes me wonder what has happened to them in the past. I asked one. He said that until he started asking the question, there was only one time when the woman he was emailing/chatting with (and, by the way, seeming to get along with) didn't stop all communication right after they exchanged photos. He told me that at first he just thought they weren't attracted to him. Then he started to think that maybe it was because he's not white. So he started telling the women that he's Indian and asking if they mind. He says that only two women out of about 25 have told him they don't care. Two women? Really? And one of them is just trying to write a blog. I hate that he has to ask. I hate that he feels he needs to. I hate that it matters to people. And I hate that I'm still surprised by it.

I also desperately wish that women would be honest with themselves and in their ads if it does matter to them.

"Love" at first reply

So, I've promised over and over that there does, in fact, exit a happy tale in this whole CL dating scene. My cousin is married to a man she met through CL personals. But of course, you know what I really mean - there even exists a moderately happy tale in my life.

You've all read the fortune cookie ad. I hated that ad; you probably hated that ad; and I can tell you someone else who hated it.

I'd sent that ad into the ether and started hearing back from man after man who could care less who I was or what I wanted. I kind of think they barely cared who they were or what they wanted. I diligently responded to each and every ad. (Which, by the way, is a LOT harder when you haven't said anything about yourself in the first ad - it's just a whole lot more work.) Then I got a response from someone we'll be calling Joe. And those of you who know "Joe" are just going to have to get used to the pseudonym; if it matters to you, he sort of chose, and therefore sort of approves of, the name. Joe got right to the point:

Subject: Fate, Kismet, Destiny

Do you believe a cookie can really tell your fortune :) ? Do you believe in things like fate or destiny? I guess, that would beg the question, Do you believe in God?

Oh, and if you have a choice about someplace cold to visit...I'd go to Ireland :)

Now, I read these few sentences again all these months later, and I'm not sure that I can adequately explain myself. The truth is, I was totally hooked. I loved that he was willing to call me on my shit. Of course I responded; the rules guaranteed that I would. But I anxiously awaited his subsequent response, and I was eager to learn more.

It was only a few emails in before Joe suggested we try either chatting online or meeting up for Thai food (which had somehow become a primary subject of our conversation). The chatting came first but didn't last long. He was trying to tell me about something going on at work, and the chat format was proving difficult. So I gave him my phone number, he called, and we talked for nearly an hour before I had to head out for a previously planned event. But I was giddy throughout, and I really just wanted to get back to the conversation. I logged on to chat with him as soon as I got home, and we "talked" far into the night. It had been years since I'd stayed up that late.

I was so intrigued that I told him right then and there that my ad had, in some ways, been disingenuous. I told him about the blog. And he had no qualms with it. I was more intrigued.

The next day we met up for Thai food, and I was so nervous I could barely stand it. I hadn't been that nervous to meet someone for a very long time - maybe even never. I was so sure throughout lunch that he wasn't interested. We joke about it now: I swear he never looked me in the eye; he's certain that's not true. Regardless, I left the restaurant knowing that I was more intrigued than before and absolutely convinced that he was done.

He wasn't.

By the time I was back at a computer, he had sent me a message saying that he'd enjoyed lunch. I responded that I wasn't sure he was still interested. He replied that he was more interested after lunch than he was before.

Whew! But I wasn't totally convinced.

I had a family function that night, but when I checked my phone at the end of it, he'd left a text message asking if I might like to go for a walk.

Whew! I was totally convinced.

And, well, we spent the next 7 months together. He still claims to have hated my ad. He says he responded because he wanted to give me some advice about how to write an ad, how to "sell" myself. He says he was feeling a little sorry for me and was pretty sure that he could help. I tell him that it seems to have worked pretty well. He says that's not true -- I didn't get what I wanted; I may have gotten him, but since I was looking for fodder for this blog, the ad failed.

Reader Participation:
What do you think, dear readers? Did the ad work? Or does the fact that Joe and I had a healthy relationship and good fun for 7 months prove that it didn't?

They think they're clever

And maybe that's what I deserve. I mean, I did write a pretty lame ad. I know that. But I'm completely NOT attracted to the men who respond with things like

Did you know that in fortune cookies, the appended phrase "in bed" is implicitly understood?

Yes, I knew that. Well, yes, I know that you can add that if you want to participate in childish humor. I mean, yes, I know that my siblings and I did that when we were kids and going out to eat at the local Vietnamese restaurant. It was a little bit funny when I was 12 (but not nearly as funny as when my brother made up his fortune: "Beware of large swooping birds." Maybe you had to be there?)

I admit I wasn't being a good rule-follower when I responded. I simply said that I had, in fact, heard that before. And he was well-chastised, recognizing that maybe his response wasn't really all that funny. And that he doesn't believe in fortune cookies. Well no kidding - who does? Did he really think that I did? Sigh.

I laughed at the man who was clever enough to channel Confucius:

I spoke with confuscious about your duplicate fortunes.

He said that one applies to 2009, the current year, and the other applies to the current Chinese new year which started started Jan 26 and runs until Feb 14 2010. So, you don't get double the luck from duplicate fortunes, but you do get an extra month and a half : )

Unfortunately, I told him he made me laugh, and he took that as permission to ply me with Confucius jokes.

And then to tell me what he was really looking for.

Confucius rocks! He once said "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot"

I guess I replied to you because I'm standing on a toilet, listening to music, and you had a good title and posting. Also, you did not say anywhere what you specifically wanted, because if you had, it probably would have ruled me out and saved you some time...

I mean, I'm nice and all, possibly a friend, but I'm not the type for LTR. I'm the not the type for casual hookup either. I'm kinda useless to women as anything but a friend. I'd probably be flirty though. I like women, and am looking for something I guess. Not sure what, but something to keep me distracted from a long distance relationship without stepping over the line.

But that's just a start. Unemployed. No car. Smoker. You can tell I must do really well on CL, lol.

I took the time to clarify. Because it sounded to me like this guy was looking for someone to cheat on his long-distance girlfriend with. He didn't exactly see it that way.

To clarify, my comfort zone with a female friend is kinda hippie I guess, nudity is cool, massage is cool, flirting is fun, talking about sex and fantasies is nice. Kissing is where I would draw the line. When it's good, things won't stop there.

Yeah. That's cheating.

Fighting the bots

I don't respond to CL postings. That's not what this blog is about. It's about posting an ad and seeing how many of those who are attracted to my words turn out to be freaks. It's an experiment to see if my past experiences hold true in the internet age. Since I'm not responding to the posts, I haven't come across bots.

But let me tell you - those bots MUST be there.

Because it seems like every single man who responds to my ads assumes I'm a bot. They say it's because I don't post a photo in my ad. Well, I don't do that because I'm afraid someone will recognize me and know that I'm posting a personals ad on Craigslist. That's embarrassing!

Anyway, these bots are apparently all over the place. It certainly seems like they could be annoying, but I'm not sure that gives license to be a jerk. Does it?

After posting my second ad (yes, the fortune cookie one), I received the following:

Why don't you just go play, on a six lane highway.
Or the nearest street!

Whoa! Hostile much? I called him on it. And he said it was his way of weeding out the spam. He went on to write

I am just anting to find real people. If you are still looking for a person to go out with, I am glad to chat and send a picture.
I didn't think there was any real people posting ads. I did spend the 4th alone.
Looking for a nice woman to take out and get to know.
I real man in search of a good woman.

And I think I might just be a real woman in search of the meaning of "anting to find real people."

I'm a rule follower, though, so I know that I have to keep responding. And since I'm not actually trying to be mean, I'm going to let that slide. Instead, I ask Mr. Ant how he defines a "real man" and a "good woman." I do this at 5:57pm.

At 6:11, he responds. He tells me that he's a "real man" because he's 44 years old, big-ish (6ft, 200 lbs), lives alone, has never been married nor knocked a woman up. He owns his own contracting business, and he likes what he does. He neither drinks nor smokes. He says all of this in the caveman-type grunt he used above. Then he writes, "A nice woman is honest."

At 6:29, he sends another message asking if I'm still there.

I wasn't. And the next night I send him a message telling him as much. My message is brief; I ask him the "typical questions." He responds 13 minutes later with 3 sentences:

I am a licensed contractor. I have lived in the area for 30 years.
I like just about anything outdoors.
Nice dinners, trips to the beach, hikes and biking.

I'm busy - this dating on CL thing takes a lot of time. I can't respond to his message immediately, but I'm about to get to it. Really! But 20 minutes was apparently too long for him because that was all the time he gave me before he sending this message:

Well it was nice talking to you again. Wish you luck.
Just when you think you are talking to a person,
You end up talking to your self.
Last night I deleted Craigs list personals from my memory.
Just didn't get any real people looking for a real man.
I am a nice guy who makes good money.
I work hard and I don't drink.
Non smoker and no drugs. Honest and I help others all the time.
In shape and take care of myself.
I am going to give up on a good woman.
All the posters just play games and don't know a good thing when its in front of their face.
Hope you find what you are looking for.
This honest man is over and out.

C ya!!!

Dang! I'll admit that I wasn't feeling this guy. I'll even admit that I had already heard from a guy I was feeling (yep - the one who took me away from the blog for awhile). But 20 minutes? Come on! This guy didn't even give me a chance to respond. And is it just me, or did he shoot me down in a pretty hostile way? I'm pretty sure I know why he's not meeting any "good women."