It's not you, it's me (part 1 of 2)

Last week I went out with a guy from my third ad, and I've been trying to figure out how to describe all the things that went wrong in one post.  I can't do it.  I just don't know how.

You see, this guy is nice enough.  He writes well enough.  And I suppose he could be a good catch for someone else.

He has some pretty serious confidence issues, and I really do think that if he is able to get those under control, then he just might find his soulmate.  Well, he might find someone who'd be thrilled to get to know him better, date him, and maybe even become his third wife.  (Yeah - third wife.  How is it that these guys can find more than one woman to marry them, and I can't even find one measly guy who wants to spend more than a few months with me?  Huh?  I keep telling myself it's because I have standards, but sometimes I wonder.)


The thing is, most of the things that he thinks are his major issues can be alleviated with a few strategic changes.  I'm not talking about fundamentally changing oneself for another; I'm talking about changes someone can make so they can feel better about themselves.  I'm talking about the kinds of changes we sometimes ought to make for ourselves.  I'm talking about the easy things.

We had been emailing for awhile with no photos exchanged yet, when he started telling me about his online dating history:

My experience with CL has not been very positive.  All too often I'll strike up a conversation with someone only to have the other person stop corresponding with me, for no apparent reason.  In other instances the reason is clear as to why the person has stopped corresponding: it will happen immediately after I exchange photographs.  At my age we men fight a battle with genetics, and the battlefield is our hairlines.  Which is a very long-winded way for me to say I'm losing my hair.  Apparently most women want men with a full head of hair.

He didn't send a photo along with that message, but he did with the next.  And he sent it saying "I've attached my own photo with my forehead exposed to the world!"

The truth is, I don't care about the balding thing.  Maybe some women do, but I figure it's a fact of life for some men.  What bothers me is when men have an issue with the fact that they're balding, and they lament it.  And they blame their own issues with losing their hair on women.  The photo he sent really did have his forehead exposed to the world; it was front-and-center in the photo, with lights bouncing off it.  

After we met, this guy sent me an email expressing his certainty that he hadn't made a good impression and asking for a second shot.  I told him that I knew he wasn't the one for me (and, moreover, that I know I'm not the one for him).  I also told him that if he was interested, I had a few tips I thought might help as he goes on to meet other women.  I told him that I wouldn't share them unsolicited, but if he was interested, I'd be happy to send them along.

He never responded.  But that doesn't mean I can't help the rest of mankind.

Unsolicited Tip #1: If you have problems with your bald head, don't make it the focal point of your photo.  Don't hide it under a hat, or anything, but can't you find something about your face/head that you do like, and let that be the central theme?  I'll see that you're bald, but I'll be paying attention to your smile or your eyes, or the goofy expression you're making.

Unsolicited Tip #2: If you're bald (and we're talking NOTHING on top), go Mr. Clean on the world.  Please, please, please don't let the hair you do have left grow.  Don't do the ponytail thing.  It screams, "I'm insecure about the fact that I've lost the hair on top of my head!"  Be confident.  Don't rely on hair for your strength.  Embrace your baldness.  Please.

But you know, I have my own insecurities with how I look, so who am I to say?  Maybe his bald head is like my calves.  I almost exclusively wear pants because my genetics gave me enormously wide calves.  I don't like them, so I try not to impose on others by wearing skirts or dresses.  Maybe it's the same thing?  Maybe his ponytail = my pants?

Still, the hair is just the beginning of the things he could do better.  I'd gotten to the coffee shop a little early because I was hungry and wanted to eat something.  I read my book while eating a sandwich and sipping on my tea.  By the time he was supposed to have arrived, I laid my book down and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  He was 15 minutes late.  In fact, I was just packing up my stuff to leave when he finally arrived.

Unsolicited Tip #3: Be on time.  Leave extra early if you have to.  But be on time.  Unless you KNOW that the woman you're meeting doesn't have an issue with tardiness, be on time.

Unsolicited Tip #4: And please Please PLEASE wear clothes that fit.  And that are clean.  A ratty, holey t-shirt that is two sizes too big doesn't make a good impression.  Ever.  You don't have to dress up for me, especially if we're meeting in a coffee shop, but be presentable. 

So the first impressions were obviously not so hot.  I'm willing to give someone a chance.  I'm willing to let him sit down, open his mouth, and share something really amazing with me.  I can be open-minded.  I can have a conversation.  However, I interview people for my job, and the last thing I want is for my dates to feel like my work.

Unsolicited Tip #5: Talk WITH me, not at me.  Ask me some questions.  Have a conversation.  Don't make me interview you.  

While I'm good at asking questions, I find that if I'm not really into a guy and he's not asking me about myself, I'm not so good at divulging.  So when I'm not super excited about what I'm hearing or feeling, I really only want to carry my share of the load by inquiring after his life.  I don't open up entirely about my own unless he asks.  And, well, it turns out that most men don't seem to ask all that much.  They also don't seem to know how to filter their own thoughts.  Oh, how I wish men learned to filter themselves.

Unsolicited Tip #6: If you're telling me about where you live and this is your first date, censor yourself before you share that you live with your first ex-wife.  If you insist that honesty is your "thing," then go ahead and tell me that but -really- listen to the sirens going off in your head before you tell me that you have to live with her because you got kicked out of your last apartment by roommates who accused you of putting porn on their computers.  I don't care if you swear you didn't do it.  Don't tell me about it.  Not on the first date.  Probably not on the second or third, either.  Keep it to yourself.  Shhh....  

See?  These are easy things to change.  And they aren't about changing who he is fundamentally.  They'd just give him a little more confidence.  And, maybe, a shot at a second date.


But not with me.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - I'll be sharing why even taking these tips to heart just weren't going to cut it.