It's not you, it's me (part 2 of 2)

The thing about offering general dating tips (unsolicited or not) is that they are just that - general.  It's the kind of advice that might help you get your foot in the door but won't necessarily let you keep it there.

I'm okay with that.

I am not someone who thinks that people ought to change who they for another person.  I might not believe in full disclosure on the first date, but I do think there's a time and place for being open and honest with your partner.  But see there?  Did you notice that word "partner"?  That's the key.  There's a time and place for everything.  And in my mind, the time and place of a first date means putting your best foot forward - do what you can to make a good first impression.  But be yourself.

I believe in the tips I offered yesterday, and I believe that a man can be himself and follow the advice simultaneously.

Doing so won't mean that he gets a second date, but at least then he'll know it's simply a matter of incompatibility, as opposed to a matter of his shyness or baldness or whatever else he blamed it on:

Flypaper, 

I enjoyed meeting you, although I fear that may have not been the impression I gave.  You're witness to 41 years of shyness.  It's something I've been working on -- during the 1990s I used to drink...a lot (I don't now) and was able to handle social situations with a bit more ease.  Now I have no crutches to fall back on.

Of course first impressions make a huge difference, and I know (and have been told by people) that I don't always make a good first impression, which does make it difficult to proceed to a second meeting.  I do warm up to people, it just takes a bit of time.

I'm sure I'm breaking every single dating rule out there by admitting to my own failings, rather than playing up my strengths.  However, I like to operate from a place of honesty.

All that said, I would like to meet up again.  I can understand any reluctance on your part or even if you aren't interested in a second meeting.  

Sincerely,

Mr. Insecure

Ignoring the fact that I knew before I ever met him that it wasn't going to go any further than this first meeting, none of the things he thinks were a problem for me actually were.  

Remember how he was 15 minutes late?

That's a major no-no in my book, but I don't think I'm unusual in that.  And since he apologized immediately, I was willing to be a little forgiving.  At least, I was willing to inquire as to his reasons for the tardiness.

What happened?

I always get lost when I drive in the city.

Oh?  How long have you lived here?

All my life.

Really?  You've lived in this city for 41 years, and you don't know how to get to the intersection of a major street and a numbered avenue?  Sigh.

Hmm.  Where about do you live?

Oh, not too far, it turns out.  I live over near [a major shopping mall].

Aarrgh!  Really?!?  The shopping mall he lives near is a STRAIGHT SHOT.  Honestly, he needed to drive down one VERY major numbered avenue that the mall sits upon and turn left on the major street the coffee shop sits on.  And then he needed to drive about 50 blocks.  That's it.  But, I was feeling charitable, so I was willing to be open to the idea that someone could get lost.  Okay - not really.  But I was willing to try.   

I couldn't find one of the streets on my google maps directions. 

This confused me, of course, since there shouldn't have been any reason to drive on any obscure street.  Regardless, I asked him which street he'd had trouble with.

It was a street called "See-zer Chay-vez"?  Or something like that?

Pronounced just like that.  I was done.  Done.  Absolutely, without question, done.  Really?  There were so many things wrong.  Allow me to point out the most egregious: 

1) He didn't seem to know that Cesar Chavez was a person.  Forget that he couldn't pronounce it.  He didn't even seem to know "what" a Cesar Chavez is.  Cultural competency is important to me.  Okay, so you don't know about the United Farm Workers.  Or you don't know about the "Uvas, No!" campaign.  How do you not know he's a person?  And, really?  How do you not know who he is?  I guess it's okay if you don't, but I can promise you that means you aren't the one for me.  Without some modicum of cultural competency, I'm simply not interested.

2) The street name change was recent - a major numbered avenue became "Cesar Chavez" not that long ago.  This was really, really controversial in our city.  You had to be living under a rock to not know that.  I'm not attracted to ignorance of local news.



It only got better from there.  The one question he asked me in the 45 minutes we spent together was where I work.  I work at a college.  I peddle education for a living.  That's what I do.

He told me that he thought about going to law school at the college where I work.  He didn't do it because he never finished college.  He started.  He was working on his AA degree, but he quit when the math was too hard.  You know, math is hard and boring and not really good for anything.

I have a bachelors degree in mathematics.  (Unsolicited Tip: Know your audience.)

He told me he quit college because he didn't want to have to work that hard.  He didn't figure it was worth it.  Because, you know,

Education isn't that important.

I work at a college.  I work in education.  It is my life's work.  It is probably my greatest passion  (Unsolicited Tip: Really - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Now, I know myself well enough to know that I can be pretty critical.  And I know enough to say that if you honestly think education is not important, then I probably think you're not very bright.  But I also know you have a right to your opinion.  And you have a right to share it.

I'm glad this guy did share his opinion.  It solidified everything I'd been thinking.
He's not for me.
I'm not for him.