Repeats

I posted a fourth ad today.  I know I haven't completely closed out Ad #3 (and I'm going out of town for a week, so the timing is probably really terrible), but can I help that I'm a little bored with it?  I really need to rewrite the rules so that I can move forward in a way that feels right to me but doesn't make me feel guilty for not following them.

I am a rule follower.

I can't help it.  I've always been a rule follower.  It doesn't matter who writes the rules - even if I write them for myself, I have a compulsion to follow them.  So I know that I need to rewrite them, but I'd like for them to be good.  I'd like for them to not have to be revisited again.  So I'm mulling them over in my head. 

For now, I am feeling guilty for not following the rules perfectly.  (Guilt.  That's what years and years of Catholic school will get you.)

Anyway, I posted the fourth ad and have already had several responses.  Of course.  These men are quick.

One of the responses seemed awfully familiar.  Despite the fact that Ad #3 and Ad #4 are dramatically different from one another, the response seemed similar.  You know why?

Response from "Daddy" (which, by the way, is reason enough to say no thanks) to Ad #3:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

(Yes, he used that bold, italic font.) Response from Daddy to Ad #4:

..........Actually m looking for a woman just like you  to spend time with, laugh, go to dinner, watch a movie, go dancing, go to a bar and just have a good time  , while getting to know each other. I am a normal, down to earth, humble guy. I love to read books, go out, love to try new things. I am a social drinker no smoker , and just a normal white guy hazel eyes 5\11. I have a picture, I am easy on the eyes, promise! Write me back and lets see how it goes u can text me (xxx) xxx - xxxx

Notice anything? 

Yeah, I saw that too.

It's not you, it's me (part 2 of 2)

The thing about offering general dating tips (unsolicited or not) is that they are just that - general.  It's the kind of advice that might help you get your foot in the door but won't necessarily let you keep it there.

I'm okay with that.

I am not someone who thinks that people ought to change who they for another person.  I might not believe in full disclosure on the first date, but I do think there's a time and place for being open and honest with your partner.  But see there?  Did you notice that word "partner"?  That's the key.  There's a time and place for everything.  And in my mind, the time and place of a first date means putting your best foot forward - do what you can to make a good first impression.  But be yourself.

I believe in the tips I offered yesterday, and I believe that a man can be himself and follow the advice simultaneously.

Doing so won't mean that he gets a second date, but at least then he'll know it's simply a matter of incompatibility, as opposed to a matter of his shyness or baldness or whatever else he blamed it on:

Flypaper, 

I enjoyed meeting you, although I fear that may have not been the impression I gave.  You're witness to 41 years of shyness.  It's something I've been working on -- during the 1990s I used to drink...a lot (I don't now) and was able to handle social situations with a bit more ease.  Now I have no crutches to fall back on.

Of course first impressions make a huge difference, and I know (and have been told by people) that I don't always make a good first impression, which does make it difficult to proceed to a second meeting.  I do warm up to people, it just takes a bit of time.

I'm sure I'm breaking every single dating rule out there by admitting to my own failings, rather than playing up my strengths.  However, I like to operate from a place of honesty.

All that said, I would like to meet up again.  I can understand any reluctance on your part or even if you aren't interested in a second meeting.  

Sincerely,

Mr. Insecure

Ignoring the fact that I knew before I ever met him that it wasn't going to go any further than this first meeting, none of the things he thinks were a problem for me actually were.  

Remember how he was 15 minutes late?

That's a major no-no in my book, but I don't think I'm unusual in that.  And since he apologized immediately, I was willing to be a little forgiving.  At least, I was willing to inquire as to his reasons for the tardiness.

What happened?

I always get lost when I drive in the city.

Oh?  How long have you lived here?

All my life.

Really?  You've lived in this city for 41 years, and you don't know how to get to the intersection of a major street and a numbered avenue?  Sigh.

Hmm.  Where about do you live?

Oh, not too far, it turns out.  I live over near [a major shopping mall].

Aarrgh!  Really?!?  The shopping mall he lives near is a STRAIGHT SHOT.  Honestly, he needed to drive down one VERY major numbered avenue that the mall sits upon and turn left on the major street the coffee shop sits on.  And then he needed to drive about 50 blocks.  That's it.  But, I was feeling charitable, so I was willing to be open to the idea that someone could get lost.  Okay - not really.  But I was willing to try.   

I couldn't find one of the streets on my google maps directions. 

This confused me, of course, since there shouldn't have been any reason to drive on any obscure street.  Regardless, I asked him which street he'd had trouble with.

It was a street called "See-zer Chay-vez"?  Or something like that?

Pronounced just like that.  I was done.  Done.  Absolutely, without question, done.  Really?  There were so many things wrong.  Allow me to point out the most egregious: 

1) He didn't seem to know that Cesar Chavez was a person.  Forget that he couldn't pronounce it.  He didn't even seem to know "what" a Cesar Chavez is.  Cultural competency is important to me.  Okay, so you don't know about the United Farm Workers.  Or you don't know about the "Uvas, No!" campaign.  How do you not know he's a person?  And, really?  How do you not know who he is?  I guess it's okay if you don't, but I can promise you that means you aren't the one for me.  Without some modicum of cultural competency, I'm simply not interested.

2) The street name change was recent - a major numbered avenue became "Cesar Chavez" not that long ago.  This was really, really controversial in our city.  You had to be living under a rock to not know that.  I'm not attracted to ignorance of local news.



It only got better from there.  The one question he asked me in the 45 minutes we spent together was where I work.  I work at a college.  I peddle education for a living.  That's what I do.

He told me that he thought about going to law school at the college where I work.  He didn't do it because he never finished college.  He started.  He was working on his AA degree, but he quit when the math was too hard.  You know, math is hard and boring and not really good for anything.

I have a bachelors degree in mathematics.  (Unsolicited Tip: Know your audience.)

He told me he quit college because he didn't want to have to work that hard.  He didn't figure it was worth it.  Because, you know,

Education isn't that important.

I work at a college.  I work in education.  It is my life's work.  It is probably my greatest passion  (Unsolicited Tip: Really - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!)

Now, I know myself well enough to know that I can be pretty critical.  And I know enough to say that if you honestly think education is not important, then I probably think you're not very bright.  But I also know you have a right to your opinion.  And you have a right to share it.

I'm glad this guy did share his opinion.  It solidified everything I'd been thinking.
He's not for me.
I'm not for him.

It's not you, it's me (part 1 of 2)

Last week I went out with a guy from my third ad, and I've been trying to figure out how to describe all the things that went wrong in one post.  I can't do it.  I just don't know how.

You see, this guy is nice enough.  He writes well enough.  And I suppose he could be a good catch for someone else.

He has some pretty serious confidence issues, and I really do think that if he is able to get those under control, then he just might find his soulmate.  Well, he might find someone who'd be thrilled to get to know him better, date him, and maybe even become his third wife.  (Yeah - third wife.  How is it that these guys can find more than one woman to marry them, and I can't even find one measly guy who wants to spend more than a few months with me?  Huh?  I keep telling myself it's because I have standards, but sometimes I wonder.)


The thing is, most of the things that he thinks are his major issues can be alleviated with a few strategic changes.  I'm not talking about fundamentally changing oneself for another; I'm talking about changes someone can make so they can feel better about themselves.  I'm talking about the kinds of changes we sometimes ought to make for ourselves.  I'm talking about the easy things.

We had been emailing for awhile with no photos exchanged yet, when he started telling me about his online dating history:

My experience with CL has not been very positive.  All too often I'll strike up a conversation with someone only to have the other person stop corresponding with me, for no apparent reason.  In other instances the reason is clear as to why the person has stopped corresponding: it will happen immediately after I exchange photographs.  At my age we men fight a battle with genetics, and the battlefield is our hairlines.  Which is a very long-winded way for me to say I'm losing my hair.  Apparently most women want men with a full head of hair.

He didn't send a photo along with that message, but he did with the next.  And he sent it saying "I've attached my own photo with my forehead exposed to the world!"

The truth is, I don't care about the balding thing.  Maybe some women do, but I figure it's a fact of life for some men.  What bothers me is when men have an issue with the fact that they're balding, and they lament it.  And they blame their own issues with losing their hair on women.  The photo he sent really did have his forehead exposed to the world; it was front-and-center in the photo, with lights bouncing off it.  

After we met, this guy sent me an email expressing his certainty that he hadn't made a good impression and asking for a second shot.  I told him that I knew he wasn't the one for me (and, moreover, that I know I'm not the one for him).  I also told him that if he was interested, I had a few tips I thought might help as he goes on to meet other women.  I told him that I wouldn't share them unsolicited, but if he was interested, I'd be happy to send them along.

He never responded.  But that doesn't mean I can't help the rest of mankind.

Unsolicited Tip #1: If you have problems with your bald head, don't make it the focal point of your photo.  Don't hide it under a hat, or anything, but can't you find something about your face/head that you do like, and let that be the central theme?  I'll see that you're bald, but I'll be paying attention to your smile or your eyes, or the goofy expression you're making.

Unsolicited Tip #2: If you're bald (and we're talking NOTHING on top), go Mr. Clean on the world.  Please, please, please don't let the hair you do have left grow.  Don't do the ponytail thing.  It screams, "I'm insecure about the fact that I've lost the hair on top of my head!"  Be confident.  Don't rely on hair for your strength.  Embrace your baldness.  Please.

But you know, I have my own insecurities with how I look, so who am I to say?  Maybe his bald head is like my calves.  I almost exclusively wear pants because my genetics gave me enormously wide calves.  I don't like them, so I try not to impose on others by wearing skirts or dresses.  Maybe it's the same thing?  Maybe his ponytail = my pants?

Still, the hair is just the beginning of the things he could do better.  I'd gotten to the coffee shop a little early because I was hungry and wanted to eat something.  I read my book while eating a sandwich and sipping on my tea.  By the time he was supposed to have arrived, I laid my book down and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  He was 15 minutes late.  In fact, I was just packing up my stuff to leave when he finally arrived.

Unsolicited Tip #3: Be on time.  Leave extra early if you have to.  But be on time.  Unless you KNOW that the woman you're meeting doesn't have an issue with tardiness, be on time.

Unsolicited Tip #4: And please Please PLEASE wear clothes that fit.  And that are clean.  A ratty, holey t-shirt that is two sizes too big doesn't make a good impression.  Ever.  You don't have to dress up for me, especially if we're meeting in a coffee shop, but be presentable. 

So the first impressions were obviously not so hot.  I'm willing to give someone a chance.  I'm willing to let him sit down, open his mouth, and share something really amazing with me.  I can be open-minded.  I can have a conversation.  However, I interview people for my job, and the last thing I want is for my dates to feel like my work.

Unsolicited Tip #5: Talk WITH me, not at me.  Ask me some questions.  Have a conversation.  Don't make me interview you.  

While I'm good at asking questions, I find that if I'm not really into a guy and he's not asking me about myself, I'm not so good at divulging.  So when I'm not super excited about what I'm hearing or feeling, I really only want to carry my share of the load by inquiring after his life.  I don't open up entirely about my own unless he asks.  And, well, it turns out that most men don't seem to ask all that much.  They also don't seem to know how to filter their own thoughts.  Oh, how I wish men learned to filter themselves.

Unsolicited Tip #6: If you're telling me about where you live and this is your first date, censor yourself before you share that you live with your first ex-wife.  If you insist that honesty is your "thing," then go ahead and tell me that but -really- listen to the sirens going off in your head before you tell me that you have to live with her because you got kicked out of your last apartment by roommates who accused you of putting porn on their computers.  I don't care if you swear you didn't do it.  Don't tell me about it.  Not on the first date.  Probably not on the second or third, either.  Keep it to yourself.  Shhh....  

See?  These are easy things to change.  And they aren't about changing who he is fundamentally.  They'd just give him a little more confidence.  And, maybe, a shot at a second date.


But not with me.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's update - I'll be sharing why even taking these tips to heart just weren't going to cut it.

Does this mean I'm average?

Earlier today, I came across the following "poster" and all I have to say is
1) I'm glad I'm not paying my hard-earned money for the CL experiment,
2) I wonder how many men would respond to my ads if I hadn't long-ago surpassed my "peak" desirability, and
3) if I read points #6 and #10 simultaneously, can I assume that scammers are sex offenders? (Yes, I have a math degree, and yes, I know that's not how statistics work.)

Via: Online Schools

Rules, revisited (again)

With this third ad, I've been thinking I really need to revisit the rules again.

I know I said that I'd make every effort to meet each man who responds to my ads.  But the truth is - I really don't want to.  And it's not just the super creepy ones I want to avoid.  Sometimes, I want to avoid meeting the ones whose emails make me think I'll likely end up just hurting them when I tell them what I've known all along: I'm not interested.

For example, the first man to respond to ad #3 is 51 years old.  That's old enough to be my dad.  A young dad, sure - but my dad all the same.

The second response came from a man who has the same hobbies as my dad.  Seriously.  He is majorly into the Boy Scouts.  He volunteers with them in a variety of capacities.  It's the only thing he does, as he's never had a job.  He's 29.  And you know what?  He's never had a job.  You know what else?  He's written me 5 (yes, really) emails about his Eagle Scout project.  The thing about having a dad who is really into Boy Scouts is that I know a few details about the Eagle.  For example, you have to complete your project before you turn 18.  So, this guy is 29 and is still talking about his Eagle Scout project.  A LOT.  Too much, I'd say. 

Both of these men seem very nice.  Both of them are continuing to write to me, even when I've slowed down my responses to them.  Both have hinted that they'd like to meet me. 

I am quite certain I am interested in neither of them.  But both seem to be genuinely interested in knowing me much better.

I love my dad.  Really, I do.  But I am 100% certain that I do not want anyone who is nearly his age.  And I do not want someone who has his hobbies. 

I also do not have an interest in hurting these men.  So, I am thinking I ought to alter my rules.  If I am beginning to think that taking that next step of meeting them only to say, "thanks, but no thanks," maybe I shouldn't go there?  Or maybe I should try harder to ensure the first meeting happens before the emails get to a point where they are showing their hand so clearly?  It's just that I may need to rewrite the rules at some point.  Consider this your fair warning.